April 2004, H and I mutually agreed to separate. We were just roommates and neither was happy. After about a week we decided we missed each other and would stay separated but see each other. Then I found out about OW (our next door neighbor!). He came home for one night but left again the next day.
I fell apart, cried, begged, berated him, etc. He never said he wanted a D but kept seeing her. I could barely live in my house with her next door. Whenever she left I assumed I knew where she was going.
We would have brief R talks--he didn't want to talk. Finally I gave up. He still didn't talk D but was still with her. Now it is June and I've moved into a new place, filed for bankruptcy, sold my truck, trailer and horse--just have to get out of my house next to her.
A MF has been taking me out to dinner and movies. I'm not interested but it's a distraction. H finds out and is devastated. He doesn't want me to be with someone else. So we talk and OW is gone and I tell MF I don't want to go out anymore.
H is depressed, going through replay, has started drinking after 10 years of sobriety. I'm still crying and looking for reassurance from him. He gets angry at that.
In July I find DB on the internet and order the DR book. Then I find the website and start posting. At first it is very hard, I still can't leave him alone. He still doesn't want to talk about R but he doesn't want to give up either.
By August I am getting pretty good at not contacting him but he has started calling at least once a day. I still get anxious waiting. I am going to C and taking prozac. I'm starting to GAL, visiting friends, going to movies, anything to distract me. I still backslide because I get anxious if he doesn't call and I'm afraid he is changing his mind. I call and he gets angry that I'm bugging him again, but he hasn't changed his mind.
By November I am getting really good at GAL and not calling him. He initiates all contact and initiates all plans to be together. He gets upset if I don't answer the phone when he calls. Still not much R talk. I am learning that he isn't ever going to be able to talk much and that men just don't do that much anyway. I am learning to listen and read between the lines. I am watching his actions more. I am paying attention to my reactions and making decisions to react differently or not at all to things. I am learning not to take things personal. I'm learning that he is an adult and must make his own decisions about his life regardless of what I think he should do. Many times I want to tell him what he should do, but I bite my tongue. It gets easier as time goes by.
December is bad cuz he doesn't like the holidays--he is very depressed and drinks a lot. I only see him for about 20 minutes on Christmas Day. He just wants to be left alone and I respect his feelings. Normally I would be trying to make him love Christmas as much as I do, but now I see that just isn't going to work.
Jan and Feb things seem to even out and I'm a little frustrated that we don't seem to be moving forward, just staying in place. We are dating and I'm spending most nights at his house. We are talking every day but that's it. I still do not initiate contact.
At the end of Feb, he says he is moving out of his place. I say where to and he says, "either with you or with my friend, I'm thinking you". I'm shocked because he has never mentioned this. We have a few more problems with my S16; and trying to agree on expectations of each other, which was hard cuz he still isn't talking much.
So there are other things that occurred during this time, but this is the summary. He's been home for a few days now and things are ok so far. I still have to remind myself to leave the "rope" on the floor and let him figure out what to do.
I am grateful for DB and all the people I've met and gotten advice from here. That and some really hard work on my part saved my M. This is not the end of DBing though. It must continue throughout my life and in all I do. My H doesn't even know about DB, I never told him what I was doing.
Most of what has happened is just what you read in the DR. It takes lots of work, patience and forgiveness of your spouse and yourself, but I think it can be worth it.
