Why Would a Married Man Do This?

[MrsNOP]

My concern was the inappropriateness of the topic (his sexual flirtation with the 20-year old) with your teenaged daughter.

It would be squicky if it was being discussed with his biological daughter.

Its squickiness rises to a higher level when the normal (usually) restriction of parental biology isn't there as a restraint.

MrsNOP -

[FocusedFlutist]

My own concern was that he seems to want to exhibit a lot of control, is withholding sex, bringing up inappropriate topics with your daughter and seems to refuse to understand your concern over any of these matters.

How is your R with your son?

[cally]

I think he did understand my concern. He was I guess you could say defending the fact that he didn't initiate this conversation. He said I didn't say I could have her as in sex just dating.

I talked with my daughter. She said she asked him have you ever cheated on mom. He said no I have never have. He told her even though there has been girls that flirted at work he has never cheated once. He said there is even a girl at work who is 20 that flirts. People there keep telling me I could have her if I wanted to. But I don't.

I asked daughter what did you think he meant by have. She said to date her. And she said beside I told him you would be old enough to be a 20 year olds father. He said well thanks. Then he told her I know.

She said he seemed concerned that I was going out more. Like he was thinking there may be someone else I am dating or something. So she asked mom your not dating anyone are you. I said no. Then she was like good.

I still think he used bad judgement and I think he is a bad place right now. To me I see signs that he is depressed. In my heart I feel he wouldn't hurt our daughter for the world.They have always been very open as far as talking. She is the kind of kid that is very observant and doesn't hold back in her opinion about anything. In a way I think she is trying to be match maker. She doesn't want us to split up and has been very vocal about it. She has told us both if we separate she will never accept anyone else. She will be angry and retaliate.

[cinemanymph]

cally,
Weather you believe your H would hurt your D or not, is beside the point, if their conversation has her picturing him with someone other than you. It is terrible when adults hurt each other, but unacceptable when adults hurt children. Especially if those children happen to be offspring. Your D needs your protection before her father displays such a lapse in judgement again. cally, it is of great importance that you insist that your H keep adult issues between the adults.

[Cathy47]

She is the kind of kid that is very observant and doesn't hold back in her opinion about anything. In a way I think she is trying to be match maker. She doesn't want us to split up and has been very vocal about it. She has told us both if we separate she will never accept anyone else. She will be angry and retaliate.

Cally, here is my opinion...your husband is suffering from depression, the depression stems from his inability to "satisfy you," he is in need of someone to talk to about this and your daughter was placed in a position that only puts a burden on her.

Your husband is angry at himself and he is projecting that off onto you. He is feeling insecure and afraid you will find someone who can keep you satisfied in a way he can't seem to. His anger and fear have caused him to engage in a conversation with your daughter that should not have taken place.

It is not your daughter's job to sooth this man. It is not her job to match make. It is not her job to listen to his fears and sooth them. It is not her job to worry about what might be going on in your relationship with each other.

I'm sure it is not his intentions to hurt her and I know it is not your intentions for her to be hurt. Don't be blinding though and don't think that just because she is smart and observant that she won't be hurt by being put in the middle of the two of you.

Someone here needs therapy. It's been my experience that the person who needs therapy the most is the one who will refuse it. Your husband would balk at the idea I'm sure.

If you are not very careful it will be your daughter who ends up in therapy and with a multitude of problems because she has been handed a responsibility that is not hers to carry.

You need to tell her that your relationship with him is not something she should concern herself with. You need to tell your husband that if she asks hem anymore questions that he needs to tell her the same thing. Someone better do something before your daughter ends up feeling as if she is the one holding you two together.

I know from experience that it takes very little to cause some pretty heavy emotional turmoil in a child. My children have lived through a divorce. They have been protected, have been exposed to very little that has gone on between their father and I. It's been minimal confusion for them but it has still caused some big problems.

Get her out of the middle before she ends up suffering for something she didn't start in the first place.
Cathy

[OG_Lou]

I agree with Cathy47. just my .02

[Lillieperl]

Two things.

The first one (and my bad if you've already answered this elsewhere): what EXACTLY do you mean by his inability to "satisfy" you? Do you mean inability or flat refusal? I seem to have lost track of the point somewhere along the line. I know you're upset about his MB, especially when he turns you down for sex. I agree that he sounds depressed.

Regarding the daughter: I think it is VERY important that you both make her understand that your R with your H is between the two of you only. Any decisions made regarding the R will be made by the two adults. Period. Her telling you how she will react if you D, or her trying to bring you back together, or her feeling that she has any responsibility AT ALL for your R must be nipped in the bud.

WHY? Because if you let her get the idea that she has any responsibility for the R, then she will feel to BLAME if things don't work out. You must tell her that hearing that she will be angry and retaliate if you D makes you sad, but that you can't let her hold either of you hostage like that, because then she would share in the responsibility and that would not be right. Tell her you will not permit her to place that burden on herself. That you and H care about her and that will never change, but some things are outside her control.

You don't want her to be saying to herself at any point down the road: "If only I had done/said this or that, they wouldn't have divorced." Or if you stay together and are utterly miserable, "If only I had let them D, they wouldn't be so unhappy now."

I think you will do her the biggest favor if you let her know that you understand how strongly she feels, but this is too big a decision for you and H to share with anyone. If there is to be any blame down the road, it must be yours and his alone.

[cally]

lillie,

by inability I don't mean the act itself. Because he is a good lover. When we do make love I try to feed his ego and make him feel good by telling him this. But unability to satisfy means I don't consider twice a week sex fullfilling by any means. And he only seems to intiate when I have complained a whole lot. Then it feels more like pity sex.

I have talked with daughter and mentioned all you suggested. She does know she is not to blame. She is just saddened and don't want to see it end. I guess like most children would be.

Husband knows this is something that won't be tolerated. He seems though to really be trying to push boundaries with me lately. Like I had to work over the weekend. He knows I don't want the children to be in a car with anyone that has been drinking. Well, I go to a work and he goes to a friends of ours house. A married couple who also has kid's and he drank. I called there let him know I was pissed off and told him I would be there to get the kid's. He left and drove them home anyway. We had a knock down screaming fight and he said he is almost 40 he doesn't need boundaries. He told me he carefully monitored having a couple drinks and didn't drink for the last hour he was there. He said he felt sober and would never have trusted himself if he felt buzzed at all. I was still pissed. I told him I am giving a two week notice at work. Because my kid's need obviously need me. Do you think that was blowing it out of proportion? He seems to be on this real control thing lately. Like pushing me to the limits.

I have told him I don't want sex with him anymore. I think it was the best decision I made for me. I no longer feel angry at him in this department. It has helped me to focus on a whole lot more. I am smiling more and happier. Enjoying more things. It has helped me to look back at the situation and be able to even analyze me. I know I need to work on me and that is what I am doing.

[cinemanymph]

He knows I don't want the children to be in a car with anyone that has been drinking.

cally,
I went through this with my H very recently (see my thread Broken). You were right to stand up for your kids. Keep on standing up for them, cally.

Did your H and mine belong to the same he-mans-woman-hater-club? Your H and mine exibit some of the same lack of judgement behaviors.