Quote: So I have tried many things. I could probably go on and on. But none of tem have worked and I am out of ideas and have become so angry and bitter.
That's certainly understandable. It's not wrong to feel that way. It's just that it isn't going to help change the situation.
Quote: So about a year later he brought up my weight gain again. I asked him if he felt badly about his weight gain.
You've given some good examples of H being defensive, unwilling to take responsibility for himself, or just plain obnoxious. All of those things are detrimental to the R. They are also beyond your control. You've also given examples of you being defensive instead of listening (above), controlling, and resentful. Those things are also detrimental to the R, but you have control over them.
Have you read Gottman's books? The Seven Steps... one was a real eye opener for me in realizing how many of my behaviors were defensive (= deadly to the R). It was easy for me to see my partner's defensiveness, but I really did not recognize many of my own behaviors as defensive until he listed them as examples. Ouch.
I worry that your obsession with H's masturbation is causing you to avoid addressing the real problems between you. At most, it is a symptom of your problems, not the cause.
Questions for all of us: How do you demonstrate respect for yourself within the R? And do your actions demonstrate respect for your partner?
