What does H need in order to feel comfortable ML, or even comfortable in the R? What are his LLs? How are you filling his love tank? Have you considered that he may be feeling sucked dry with nothing left to give? Maybe not, but it's safest to check your own house before you start throwing stones.
I have thought a lot about his needs in the relationship. When we first met he was very open about what he wanted in a wife. Back then he was very vocal and able to communicate. He was married before and so was I. So I thought it was very important to really listen and take to heart what his expectations were. He didn't ever want me to use drugs, his ex wife smoked marijuanna and he hated it. I have never used drugs nor do I have a desire to that's not me. He wanted to have children so did I. We had two children. He wanted someone who would be a good mom to his children and stay at home and raise them. I LOVE children so loving them and be caring came naturally. He said he would like the house to stay clean if I was a stay at home mom. I am a neat freak so again no problem. And this came out of his mouth...he wanted a wife that would be sexual. He claims his first wife held out and never wanted sex but then was having an affair behind his back. I have always been sexual and can't think of a time in 13 years I have ever turned him down. So I have thought about his needs and tried to be all he wanted and needed in a woman.
I guess you and I see boundaries differently. Like I consider all the things he listed as boundaries and expectations. Not to cross that boundary line OR it means I may consider leaving the marriage or at the very least mean I am not going to be happy in the marriage.
I do feel it IS my business if he choses masturbating instead of having sex. Because it is something that is hurting the marriage. If he masturbated 5 times a week and my love tank would feel full if we were having sex twice a week, then I wouldn't care if he masturbated those 5 times. Even more I would understand if he got ticked off if I chose MBing instead of having sex with him.
I have tried many things. Like respecting the fact that he worked to support us. I wanted to show him how much I respected that by never asking him to do anything in the house. His time off was to relax. I would do the yard work, take out the garbage, I mean I did everything. I would leave sexy notes. I have tried lingerie. I have arranged baby-sitters so we could have time alone. I asked him what his fantasies were. He only named two. One of them I fullfilled. The other was something I wasn't comfortable with which was a threesome.
I use to be so gentle when I brought up the subject of sex. I remember being scared to death and not knowing how to approach it. The first couple of times he completely ignored me. I almost gave up in asking. But I gently approached him again one night 8 years ago. He gave me the first answer. He said I had gained weight with the birth of our son so he longer felt attracted to me.He said it's like you see a woman and think yum. I just don't feel that about you anymore. I was so crushed and I hurt badly at those words. He to gained weight and gained a huge stomach but was putting this one me. So about a year later he brought up my weight gain again. I asked him if he felt badly about his weight gain. I asked him how he could judge me when he was over weight also. He blew up and told me how could he lose weight when he looked at me. He had no incentive. Again I was crushed. But I took action and lost 50 pounds. With this being the only answer he had ever given me I was so excited. I thought I had the cure. But sadly it made no difference. I am a size 3 and he has put on 10 more pounds.
So I have tried many things. I could probably go on and on. But none of tem have worked and I am out of ideas and have become so angry and bitter.
