Why Would a Married Man Do This?

[NotATLDave]

(cally, I apologize in a big way for hijacking your thread like this.)

Hey Cathy,

I'll pop in on this and maybe respond to a few others at the same time. Whew, this has spiraled into something it never intended to be but it's interesting to hear these responses.

This thread has made me think really hard about what we've been doing and why it's happening "now" in the midst of therapy and all the other changes. Both of our behavior can be explained by this.

When you finally get whacked in the head with a 2x4 that says "YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN LIFE" after 15 years of thinking you weren't, you have HAVE to figure out exactly who the f%ck you really are. You want to see what your own personal boundaries are and you need to learn how you respond to things inside and outside the marriage. This will give you the strength to know what you can bring in, and what to expect from your spouse.

Here's An Example of What I Mean......
I still carry the insecurities I had when I was dating my W. I've discussed these with the C who says I've got a long, expensive journey if I want to try to fix these because they are related to being adopted. I partially married my W out of a fear of rejection and an easy way to forget/ignore these demons. My first trip to the nightclub (when I played single) was an attempt to open up box where I stored these insecurities. I didn't even talk to anyone except people in my group during this time. The next few times out, I was clearly "a married guy" and simply engaged on a social level with various people...there was nothing sexual about it. It gave me just enough "I'm alright by myself" juice to recognize that I'm not just hanging onto my R because I'm scared. It also made me realize that I actually have options. I never asked for phone numbers because I'm not trying to do anything other than "feel my feelings" in that moment.

When talking to folks, I had a baseline anxiety that I got to "manage"...this was cool. I practiced expressing my own opinion, views and even disagreed with others...which I've never had the guts to do because I always wanted to be included. I *did* notice that being included made me less likely to express contrary views...this is exactly how Schnarch described that "when a person becomes more important to you, you usually become less differentiated" (which is wrong and bad). It's been an incredible journey and I share all of this stuff with my W. Sure, it would be great to work on all these things while under one roof but it's easier to do it alone.

Through these activities, I've taken suppressed insecurities, brought them out of their box, and made peace with them. They still linger but at least I know what I'm dealing with.

This whole process has felt much more like a rebuilding from the ground up. We *safely* asserted ourselves like were were "single" again, and have now moved back towards each other as 2 individuals instead of the fused couple that we were. If my moral-center was sliding, I would be acting more "single" with each subsequent excursion, instead of the acting more "married".

I'm not saying life at our house is hunky dory now. Sometimes we are scratching our heads, wondering how we are going to deal with these (now much clearer) differences.

Hey NOP, I hear (and heard) you on the swinging thing (but, damn, all you boomers got to have all the fun ). Seriously, I actually know my boundaries in that area because of some things that happened in our early years. I won't go into details but my guess is that I "think" I would be gung-ho to try it but actually freak out afterwards. My W on the other hand would be terrified to try it but be fine afterwards. You (and others I've heard) are right...it's like opening up a can of worms. It's still just fascinates the hell out of me how the successful ones do it just like it's fascinating to watch Michael Jordon.


Cally,

I feel real bad about your situation and offer my condolences. It sounds like your husband has lost his mojo if he's saying crap like "I understands if she leaves me". It sounds like he doesn't have the strength to pull the trigger and wants you to do it for him. It definately sounds like he's "checked out" of the marriage in his mind. I'm sorry if that hurts. I'm not very good at "feel good" talk here. Here you go...(((cally)))...does a virtual hug help...maybe? I wish you strength and the best of luck.