I happen to agree with most of what Dave has posted here. Of what Dave is speaking is when two people have taken complete responsibility for themselves, their own thoughts/actions/motivations, and love and trust their spouses enough for them to do the same.
If I have to be with my spouse 24/7 to ensure or safeguard his/her potential actions, that is NOT a relationship, that is a 'morals cop.' You are now 'parenting' your spouse, not having a relationship. AND... potential affairs can happen anywhere, not just in a bar. This is fear-based behavior of which you are speaking, NOP, not behavior born of trust.
We are all adults and we all have choices we make each and every day. If I can't handle myself in a bar, then I had best not go into a bar. That is MY choice, MY responsibility, not my spouse's. It's called personal accountability, and one of the MAIN reasons we are all here is because one or both spouses in our relationships are having a real hard time with that concept.
I know you've been around the block a few times NOP, and you've seen a lot of things. I understand why you are urging caution... and it would be extremely dangerous for a FUSED couple to attempt what Dave is talking about...
but Dave is NOT referring to a FUSED couple. He is speaking of two people who have taken responsibility for themselves - NOT THEIR SPOUSE - in the relationship. They trust each other to do what is best for their relationship based upon the things they have discussed and agreed upon. If it works, great. If it doesn't -- sad, but fine -- and, they are working with a professional C while doing this.
Not every relationship can handle what Dave is discussing. There are some people on this planet who HAVE to be FUSED to their spouse because they can not or will not take the time to fix themselves on the inside. Not everyone here will agree with what Dave is saying, and that is cool, but that does not make him wrong, nor does it mean is he or his wife are now morally deficient. It does not mean that either one of them will have an affair, or that they won't, any more than it would for spouses who constantly monitor each other.
The only main difference I see in this Schnarch approach is that the spouses look one another in the eye and say "yes, I am responsible for me in this relationship, just as you are responsible for you. Let's keep all our cards above board and on the table and see where we can take this relationship."
It doesn't mean the relationship is going to survive, it doesn't mean it will be better or worse than any other. But it is my personal opinion that this horse has the best shot at winning.
