That little voice you are hearing is the only one not lying to you. You are off on a tangent, that will destroy your marriage.
I appreciate the dose of fear talk, but our results speak for themselves and my interest in this activity is waning. Secondly, this type of activity is not at the core of our existence...it has been very periodic..once every three months or so and happening less. I don't see it as a threat. I see it as phase that fostered introspection.
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Unless you change the dynamics of your relationship, one or both of you will have an affair within the next year. It will most likely be your wife. You think you could handle this. You will not be able to.
How do you know this? Why do you think I won't be able to handle it? And why would you think it's going to be her? You seem to be making some broad assumptions. But I'll entertain this because I've thought through all these outcomes. Remember NOP, last year at time, I thought we'd be in divorce proceedings by now and I committed myself to taking some bold moves. I never asked for the separate rooms, the open marriage, or a separation. These were all possibilities...not for intended changes in her but for me to preserve my peace-of-mind. This has never been about the sex. It's been more about my feelings for her.
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She can find a guy like you, a lot easier than you?
And why does that have any relevance to me? Her ability to attract others has no bearing on *me* whatsoever. If the marriage tanks, then good for her if she can find someone else quickly. Now don't get me wrong, it would really suck if she left without warning..especially after all of the work we've done. But it's a possibility that I've considered when I started this whole process...that the stress of change would make her run. Crap, the stress of change has nearly made me run a few times.
The reality is that we either choose to stay together or we don't and right now we choose to stay together, take it a day at a time, and see if we're growing closer or growing apart. So far we are growing closer. As I feel closer, I feel less compelled to act single. She claims she feels things are better too and has learned to open up more. Things are functioning exactly as Schnarch describes in PM. We've had growth cycles where we nearly flamed-out and moments of comfort-zone boredom. Right now we seem to be in a semi-comfort zone.
BTW, what's with the threats NOP? Why is this striking such a nerve with you?
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I also take extreme issue with the both of you using other people for your personal games and gain.
Well, if you are referring to those guys who picked up the bar tab, one of my W's single friends went home with him...I don't feel too sorry for him. I've never done anything that overt, misleading, etc. I usually just try to have a normal conversation with people to get over my shyness and insecurity. And it's not strictly women. Most of these excursions have been groups of single people who invite me out to other clubs. My first "experiment" was also my last...I've found it much more gratifying to show myself as a confident, happily married guy than some weird dude with a tan line on his finger.
But unless there was some opportunity cost from them talking to me, I'm not sure if any damage was done. Now, as I write this, I DO realize how pathetic it is this I feel compelled to address my insecurity issues with other people...but most of the time, I'm just having a fun night out with folks. It's not as illicit as I might have portrayed it to be. I've also noticed that I'm much more relaxed when I'm 100% me - married with children and such. It's much more meaningful to be included with a group of strangers when there is clearly no motives by any of them (like seeing me as a potential mate).
And ya, my confidence *should* come from within but according to my C, I might never get over it and we (W and I) have to find ways to make it work just like people who need to be dominated (or something) to get aroused.
I guess you are trying to make point that I shouldn't be on this board, proselytizing "dangerous behaviors" such as this. I can see how it would be perceived as such. I can see certain personalities become addicted to it or increase the "dose". The opposite seems to be happening with us.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
