Why Would a Married Man Do This?

[NotATLDave]

Honey,

Cally's husband has a real live woman--that he is MARRIED to--and this is his preference.

I'm not sure how she should proceed from here but saying, "He'll do it if he wants to anyway" is not wise, imo, it is defeatist and detached.

Don't get me wrong...I probably didn't approach this thread with enough compassion for her situation...I'm sorry. Her situation sucks. If she is trying to connect with a husband who isn't putting any of his marbles into the "collective sex jar", then she needs to call him out on it.

I just want to share some of the things that are helping us now and help folks learn to get their mind in the "right place" before they attack. It must be something like "Remind him that a marriage has rules where the spouse gets the first right of refusal prior to autonomous behavior within the 4 areas of the marital system"...that's probably a pretty strong covenant (if I do say so myself ). After that, there are probably more specific boundaries based upon individual tolerances for certain behaviors, preferences, etc.

I just see so many guys getting their asses kicked because they looked at another woman or at some porn. Maybe I'm still traumatized by a college girlfriend who went on a rant for 12 hours because I glanced up at a Coors swimsuit billboard...that I represented the male objectification of women, etc. etc. By the time she was done generalizing this, I might as well have been Hitler. And I wasn't even noticing the women in the billboard...I was trying to figure out what typeface they used. Needless to say, her outbursts like that led to an early demise in the R. I don't want to see others make the same mistakes. It's very easy to validated by your friends when you say "I caught him talking to another woman at a bar" because these are (sorry for my homegrown nomenclature) "pop-culture boundaries".

If he still refuses, then I must confess that I really don't have any good advice other than (ooo sorry) "deal with it or leave".