Why Would a Married Man Do This?

[NotATLDave]

Boy, I feel a big flame attack coming towards me.

You went 'shopping' in a bar. Does your wife know about your 'experiment' or how you spent your time there?

Yes...and she knows about the recent trips as well.

Would she approve?

I told her about it and she approves as long as I don't actually go home with someone. She has come to grips with the fact that her personality doesn't support the concept of "pursuit" in many categories - sex, intimacy, etc. (wanting to want is a huge problem for her). It's the "pursuit" that I really want...not the sex. So in her definition of *our* marital boundaries, "flirting" is fine.

How would you feel if she had gone to a bar and experimented at getting picked up, or even 'just noticed' by a guy or four? What are your boundaries?

The Short Answer - is that she has "girls nights out" where they let guys buy drinks for them and I even heard reports of her dancing with a group of guys...I actually thought it was great when I heard about it. I have the same boundary not to go home with someone. Even if she traveled alone somewhere and went to a bar alone I'd be extremely proud of her for overcoming her paralyzing shyness.

Now, I will also say this...I don't like to entertain the "what would *you* think if she did what you did" because it doesn't work that way. If I hated the idea of her having guys buy drinks for her but she thought it was fun, then there would be a big problem. She would either do it secretly or not do it all, OR I would let her go out and just deal with my own discomfort. In either case, a give-take is happening. We just don't have a problem with this.

Now, in the back of my mind, I keep thinking "this is just weird...I shouldn't be doing this". I think she probably felt the same way about one trip with the girlfriends because she didn't tell me anything about that night except that 2 guys picked up their $120 bar tab. But we've recently gotten more candid and I realized that sharing our stories brings the intimacy back into the marriage rather than leaving it with us individually in some bar.

I'm not trying to sound like some kind of "swinger" advocate or something, but after all this crap we've been though, the clarity of "who" each of us are, the acknowledgment of our preferences and own limitations, I think we've learned to accept certain behaviors better without assigning broad meaning to them.

Just because your spouse won't have sex with you in the car doesn't mean they don't love, want, desire you. It doesn't mean they are LD and it doesn't mean they are broken or weird...they might just not like sex in the car. (Now this is a behavior where we have big difference in preference).

I'm in a phase where my psyche wants something. I have shared these wants with her. She claims she's unable to provided it. So what do I do? I pursue it elsewhere and share my experiences with my W. Some nights out I've had self-esteem issues, others I've felt great and we will discuss these in way similar to our therapy sessions. My W shares her insecurities and victories with me. None of this has to do with either us trying to get laid. But in a way we are going outside the marriage for something. But it's for something we both have agreed that we can't get within the marriage so we've moved the boundary a little. Does this make sense?

Boundaries are not fusion

I'm sorry if I gave that impression. I was saying that "expecting someone to feel the same way about something as you" IS fusion.