What an interesting thread! Dave, you came back and stirred the pot quite nicely. I am fascinated by this subject because I have similar thoughts on this. I have never objected to my H masturbating or looking at porn, over the years, even when our SL had gone to sh*t. I didn’t see the porn/MB as being causative of anything, rather I saw it as the symptom of the problem. Instinctively, long before I read the books or these threads, I knew that I didn’t own his mind, body, hand or penis. I also know him and know that he would never intentionally do this to hurt me. I believe this was important and maybe even vital to our recovery.
I find your suggestion very interesting – ask your spouse to share the sexual energy, regardless of what the activity might be. I don’t feel strongly enough about this to create a boundary here – I would never tell him that he could only surf porn if he invited me to do it with him. I did try out a variation and it led to a nice, connected moment. I will update and elaborate in my own thread.
NOP, I don’t think anyone is arguing that there need to be boundaries in a sexual relationship that are mutually acceptable. I think Dave is making the point that, sometimes, those boundaries aren’t the obvious ones that society expects us to have. We all have deep, dark places inside of us and we can either choose to share them with our spouse or pretend that they don’t exist. What is the point of communication if we are only allowed to say what our spouse wants to hear?
What this means is that both spouses must be willing to take a moment to examine where their true boundaries lie. This means sifting through the initial reactions, which are often due to insecurity (as Cathy correctly pointed out), and finding out what is ethically acceptable to us. Just MHO.
