Cally, I went back and read a few of your old posts to get the full picture. It seems to me that your H is depressed and struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I agree with HP that he is already disconnected. His telling you to ‘Pack your sh*t and get out’ is cruel and disrespectful. His crying at his inability to perform is a huge red flag, and a big clue to his state of mind. There is a lot more going on here than just a clash of libidos.
I don’t feel qualified to give you any advice and I think some individual counseling for you (even if he won’t go) would really help you. I just want you to know that I feel for you, and even though I have never been in your precise situation, I have been in a situation where I have felt completely helpless, and it is tough. I do know that an affair is not the answer, and will only get you deeper into the morass.
I think you are getting some significant insights here, but I also know that right now it is going to be very difficult for you to process these.
