Why Would a Married Man Do This?

[NotATLDave]

My W and I discussed this thread today. She said something very wise (I thought). She said "there's no point in a spouse feeling threatened. Your spouse is going to feel however they are going to feel...they are going to do whatever they are going to do".

This is probably the same thing StubbornDyke is saying. So, I'm not saying that you don't have a reason to have a big discussion...but it should be more about the fact that your spouse *chooses* to expend his sexual (remember, this is 1 of 4 marital systems) energy on something other than you. It could be porn, personals, MB, etc. What exactly is this activity a "threat" to? Your lifestyle, security, etc? What are you going to do? Give him crap about it and beat him back into conformity? I'm just trying to use this situation to illustrate what Schnarch is trying to teach all of us when he's describing fusion. We have 0 inherent rights to anything our spouses feel and the minute anyone of us feels like someone is claiming possession of our feelings (aka. fusing into us), we will try to either rebel, or spiral into worse state.

This is an incredibly hard nut to swallow because it contradicts popular culture. Just ask "so why do you feel like you need to xxxxx?" and then "is there something I'm doing that is leading to this?" then "is there something I can do to convince you not to?....because it really bothers me that you are". Remember, the 4 pots of the marital system are shared and deposits shouldn't be made anywhere else. Beyond that, our spouses are who they are and we are who we are. I hope I'm making my point even though it might not relieve the pain anyone is going through right now. This has solved a majority of our problems and set the foundation for repair in way that feels right.