SD, I don't think anyone is saying they have a problem with their spouse masturbating. I know I'm not. I know I'm not.
The issue being talked about here is when a spouse prefers themselves or porno to making love to their spouse. There needs to be a happy middle ground for there to be a healthy, functioning relationship.
I agree with you, if a spouse is put off by the idea that their spouse masturbates then you will have problems...let's face it, it is human nature and most of us do it. It's a personal thing and no one has the right to dictate the behavior. When the behavior gets in the way of an intimate relationship with your partner you have just as bad a problem.
I never had a problem with my ex masturbating. It's when he started prefering masturbation over sex that I developed a problem. I didn't marry the man so that could masturbate out of sexual frustration while listening to him whistling in the shower. BIG PROBLEM in my opinion. I have a feeling this is the same thing Cally is feeing in her marriage. Cathy
Choosing to get yourself off in exclusion of sex with your spouse or partner is a sure sign of trouble on the horizon.
Actively searching out sexual avenues outside of the relationship is a bona fide red flag that the relationship is about to tank. Mr. or Ms. Entitlement has entered the picture.
Way more relationships are broken by 'sexually selective availability' than are relationships where a biblical 'ownership' is practiced. At least that has been my observation. Having said that, I don't have a problem with masturbation in the right circumstance, especially when it is the only release, or the only safe release available.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: For me, I would still have a BIG problem with this. It's still one thing to surf the web and MB to pictures your find there, even if they are real everyday attainable women....for me however it's still a completely different thing to register on a website and surf their local area for women. Sorry, don't mean to be stubborn about this.
I've got your back on this one, Lass!
I think taking the time to register on a website whose primary target is NOT just for titilation but for getting like-goaled people together is as wise as playing in interstate highway traffic. Throw in a screwed up marital relationship, lack of sexual relationship, a communication breakdown and my alarm bells would be dinging.
My W and I discussed this thread today. She said something very wise (I thought). She said "there's no point in a spouse feeling threatened. Your spouse is going to feel however they are going to feel...they are going to do whatever they are going to do".
This is probably the same thing StubbornDyke is saying. So, I'm not saying that you don't have a reason to have a big discussion...but it should be more about the fact that your spouse *chooses* to expend his sexual (remember, this is 1 of 4 marital systems) energy on something other than you. It could be porn, personals, MB, etc. What exactly is this activity a "threat" to? Your lifestyle, security, etc? What are you going to do? Give him crap about it and beat him back into conformity? I'm just trying to use this situation to illustrate what Schnarch is trying to teach all of us when he's describing fusion. We have 0 inherent rights to anything our spouses feel and the minute anyone of us feels like someone is claiming possession of our feelings (aka. fusing into us), we will try to either rebel, or spiral into worse state.
This is an incredibly hard nut to swallow because it contradicts popular culture. Just ask "so why do you feel like you need to xxxxx?" and then "is there something I'm doing that is leading to this?" then "is there something I can do to convince you not to?....because it really bothers me that you are". Remember, the 4 pots of the marital system are shared and deposits shouldn't be made anywhere else. Beyond that, our spouses are who they are and we are who we are. I hope I'm making my point even though it might not relieve the pain anyone is going through right now. This has solved a majority of our problems and set the foundation for repair in way that feels right.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I hear what you are saying, but I am talking about basic marital boundaries here.
My boundary on this matter is simple. It is true that MrsNOP, should she be so inclined, can use her sexuality in any way she sees fit. If she uses it beyond my stated boundary, whatever that might be, then she will find herself doing without a relationship to me. She has similar boundaries for me.
So, setting a reasonable boundary, negotiated between both spouses, becomes really important to the health of the marriage.
Non-negotiated boundaries can be troublesome in a relationship, even though a few are necessary to the basic health of the relationship.
Utilizing your sexuality outside of negotiated boundaries is a big no-no. If there are no negotiated boundaries regarding sex in a relationship, then you need to get some quick. Otherwise, you may find yourself, or your wife, in a relationship outside the confines of your relationship.
Boundaries are not fusion. Boundaries are a necessity in any relationship, not just marriage.
Let me give you an example of a behavior you engaged in fairly recently that wouldn't work in my relationship.
You went 'shopping' in a bar. Does your wife know about your 'experiment' or how you spent your time there? Would she approve? How would you feel if she had gone to a bar and experimented at getting picked up, or even 'just noticed' by a guy or four? What are your boundaries?
I don't know about you, but for me, it is my responsibility to behave in a relationally responsible manner. I do so out of respect for my wife, and our marriage, and myself.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Are you kidding? "What exactly is this activity a "threat" to? Your lifestyle, security, etc?".....
If MY spouse were doing this (and he agrees with me on this, we discussed this thread yesterday as well)....it would be a HUGE threat to the covenant of our marriage.
I don't know if this will make you feel any better. I'm a Law Enforcement Officer and we keep tabs on AFF(Adult Friend finder) in an effort to track Sex offenders. I'm a Parole Officer.
What I can tell you is this. 99% of the people on there are NOT real. Most of it is a scam trying to get you onto porn sites.
IE Ms twenty-something drops you an email and says visit her at her private site and she'll give you her real email address.
It's a huge scam and I'm sure your hubby doesn't know that though, hehe. Now if it's match.com or yahoo personals thats something else.
Mulligan wrote. ---------- What I can tell you is this. 99% of the people on there are NOT real. Most of it is a scam trying to get you onto porn sites. ---------- Thanks for the inside reality information. Most people are too trusting sometimes.
----- I'm a Parole Officer. ------- I used to work in a grouphome for deliquent boys. What a wake-up call that was. Sweet little blond haired, blue eyed Johny was having sex with two of his younger sisters and saw nothing wrong with it.
Just how is Cally supposed to handle this situation? You initially suggested she join in on his porn activities. First of all, if she's an HDW she's likely tried this tactic already with no results.
What is a healthy way to handle the fact that your husband exclusively masturbates and has now turned to looking for real women as a way to get his fix?
I gotta tell you, it icks me out. I think the way men jealously guard their porn is disgusting. Like it is an actual entity that they hold in their hand, petting it, and snarling at anything that gets too 'close'. Yuck.
Cally's husband has a real live woman--that he is MARRIED to--and this is his preference.
I'm not sure how she should proceed from here but saying, "He'll do it if he wants to anyway" is not wise, imo, it is defeatist and detached.
