Why Would a Married Man Do This?

[NotATLDave]

GEL,

Cathy, again, nailed it. In the past I found it more exciting to think that there are actually people within 1 mile of me that I could be with it. It's as much fantasy as (as my C puts it) this site fuels the (not necessarily sexual) fantasies of people on this site...only, the people on this site are fantasizing about a better marriage, having a spouse who is as HD as some of the people on this board, or having the same successes as people on this board. Self help books that contain case-studies are just as terrible at fueling fantasies.

Again, this comes from my C who puts 4 sub-categories of marital systems. Intimacy, Sex, Household, Parenting and that the autonomous behavior (repeat...*behaviour*) inside any of these systems should be avoided and that both parties need to always invite the other person into a particular pursuit. Ok, this is heavy stuff... you cant just throw this at your spouse and expect them to get it. I just wanted to share some of the thousands of dollars in therapy we got.

So Gel, in your situation, he might just be fantasizing...or he might be really be looking. Who knows? These are his feelings. So why don't you ask him what he is feeling? Ask him if he is really looking to hook up with someone else. I know this would be tough but you have to learn to do it without being accusatory, defensive, scared, angry, sarcastic, etc. Just play it cool and listen. Hell, ask him to show you which women he likes so far. This is the intimacy system in overdrive to probe into your spouses hidden desires. Very powerful, connection-building stuff if you can keep your cool and he can hang with it. It would be completely unrealistic for us to expect our spouse to *solely* be attracted to us. Just keep remembering PM and realize that his decision to stay with you is his decision.

Now also realize that you can and should tell him that you feel threatened by it and it makes you uncomfortable. But don't tell him not to do it. That's been the magic for us this year. We no longer tell each other to be, act, say, or do something...we state preference and wait (and sometimes wait and wait and wait). All this stuff my C taught us just stinks of PM...it's just that she knows how to be more practical with it. She (the C) also knows that communication is the key to it all.

Here's something to remind yourself of. You have zero entitlement to his feelings (ok, thats a bit harsh but I have to use that as a mantra sometimes to be empathetic to my W). Again, I'm not defending his behavior...I'm using it as an example to help you discourage his autonomous behavior and prevent you from inadvertently encouraging it. Yes, attacking him will only push him further towards autonomous behavior. Drawing yourself into his world might draw him back into yours...or maybe not, but it's the right thing to do.

I know it's hard...god, do I know it's hard. Just keep telling yourself that everything he does is because *he* decided to. Throw out all the crap you've heard on TV about "how spouses should behave etc." Hell, even throw out the wedding vows for a moment and just accept that you both are individually choosing to be with each other *today*. Is this making sense?

Only you are the master of your destiny (wow that sounds cheesy). I whined to my C that my sex life wasn't hot. She said "then make it hot". But how do I make it hot when my W doesn't want to participate? Bring your issue to her...say "I'd really like some hot sex tonight (swoon)" or "I'd like you to initiate this week" etc. If your spouse isn't in the mood, then (according to my C), make them aware that you are going to pursue one of the 4 systems (in this case sex) autonomously. Then MB. Pretty freaky right?...I nearly fell off of the C's sofa when she said this.

Anyway, I wish I could inject everyone on this site with the stuff I've learned. Like learning anything new, it's clunky at first before it becomes second-nature.

Geez, despite having a full tank in the sex department, I've been feeling low on the intimacy tank. I should have told my W this tonight...she asked why I was grumpy...I just didn't realize it until now. It explains why I was feeling compelled to go out to a bar tonight...human interaction...working out of the house has definitely affected our system because of my lack of connection with co-workers...hmm wierd. I guess I can still learn stuff by posting here.