You did a much better job explaining this. Thanks.
Sorry if my post wasn't what some of you wanted to hear. Call me a jerk, but if my W busted my ass over an MB preference, I wouldn't be any more motivated to have sex with her. I'd simply be more motivated to cover my tracks better.
The one thing my counselor taught us to do is discern feelings from behaviors and to learn what things are part of the relational system vs. an individual's system. If he's unwilling to listen to you, or share what his preferences are, etc., then that's something to bust his ass over because it's a retreat from intimacy rather than an approach.
But take Cathy's post to heart and respect the fact that your H has "feelings" that are driving this behavior. Try to understand his feelings but also share yours in a way that's not threatening. Say "I can understand why you like that...it just makes me feel like (fill in the blank)". Then leave it up to him to change his behavior or not.
Does this make sense?
BTW. Though it may seem like it, I'm not siding with him. My C says that I shouldn't even be on this site without asking my W to participate because I'm being "intimate" here rather than in my marriage. She really isn't telling me to bring my W to this site, she just saying that I should be sharing my feelings with her instead of here which would negate my need for this site.
Again, I haven't read the history but it shouldn't matter because these pretty much big-picture guiding principles.
- Dave
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
