I have posted my story here about my husband and I. I have read a lot of the advice and trying to be positive and work on this. But it gets so hard. When I first posted I was ready to call it quits. But since I have mustered up some more determination to try and make it work again.
One thing I have gotten advice on is to not make him feel ashamed about his masturbation. Husband has a low drive. So this is something that REALLY bothers me. It was said I may push him away more if I keep bringing up MB or putting stipulations on him to stop. Well, I know that this week he has MB twice already. Which normally I would say something but I haven't. I have acted like I don't know and don't care. BUT also I went to a meeting the other night. I was checking the history on my computer today because I was trying to find this one site my daughter and I were on for homework that was a great help to us. What I seen was that while I was out at that meeting my husband was checking out dating sites. One of them was a very sexual dating site and had naked pictures of women that were posted. To make matters worse the pictures of these women were ranging from 20-25. My husband is soon to be 40. I am 33. The women were also all within 15-30 minutes from our home. So he was seraching our area. I also seen just last while I was home and he got on to print a picture for homework for our daughter that he was on another dating site. He didn't check it out extensively like the other night. But he was on it! This is coming from a man that has a low sex drive. Who doesn't satisfy his wife sexually. One who will turn to his hand when he knows he doesn't do it for me as far as fullfilling. Why would a married man who doesn't desire sex be checking out that kind of site?? Thanks for reading. I really needed to vent. I can almost guess that if I confront him he will say I was just looking out of curiousity. Like it's no big deal and don't mean anything. Maybe there is no hope. This really hurt to see this on my computer.
Quote: I can almost guess that if I confront him he will say I was just looking out of curiousity. Like it's no big deal and don't mean anything.
That's almost certainly what he would say. I've only read a couple of your posts, and haven't read your whole sitch, but I can already say this guy sounds profoundly immature, despite his age. I think you probably realize that a married man who is repeatedly checking out dating sites and researching women in his area is not "just curious".
Sounds to me like he is unwilling to face up to the problems in his marriage, and unwilling to work on that (immaturity again), and is looking for an easy out, or for a "have the cake and eat it" scenario. Sounds like the two of you need some serious discussion time, and probably counselling as well..
Tim..thanks for the response. You said......I think you probably realize that a married man who is repeatedly checking out dating sites and researching women in his area is not "just curious".
I would agree. If he was just wanting to see naked women why not look at porn. That wouldn't hurt as much. But to be looking at dating sites with naked women right from our area. And I don't have much trust in my husband.
I can honestly say if he cheated I would never forgive him. It would be the end to our marriage. I could never forgive a man that couldn't even satisfy his wife and acted for years like he could care less about sex, and then get itt from another woman. Honestly with the way things have been the last couple of years I don't know how he would even have the courage to start a new sexual relationship. If he has erection problems with me and I am his wife someone he is comfortable with. And he avoids me when this problem ever rises. How could he ever muster up enough courage and worry it would happen with someone he has never been with?
But still to see him looking just distanced my heart even more. I already have one foot out the door. I had an offer of help if I wanted to seperate from my husband, I am seriously considering taking that offer.
You know, even if he WAS looking "out of curiousity," can't you just say to him, "This hurts me, and it hurts our relationship. If it doesn't stop, I'll a)leave, b)kick your as$ out c) get rid of our internet connection, and/or all of the above"?
Just a suggestion.
By the way, are you the same cally who live 10 minutes from me, with the hot bod, who's on adultfriendfinder.com. JUST KIDDIN'!
Cally: Did he (however unwittingly) initiate when you weren't in the mood? Or did you refuse one of his advances? Understand that I am not trying to defend or excuse him. For whatever it's worth, internet is always available. As for his chioce, some prefer amateurs as opposed to those silicon princesses. As for what to do, calling him on it is a good start. Another idea: when you catch him at it, ask if he'd prefer the real thing [wink, wink, nudge, nudge].
Cally-- I'm sorry to hear about this from your H. In my research over the last few weeks, I found information about sexual addiction. It's a very real addiction like drugs and alcohol. One of the effects is to act out with porn, mb, strangers (not that your H is doing that for sure), etc. I don't want to give you any type of false hope but your H sounds like he is a good candidate for it. Check out the site saa.org. If you can get him to C, you might want to discuss it there as well.
If he is an addict, it's something that would NOT be easy to admit to yourself OR your spouse. BUT, another one of the signs is avoiding your spouse for these other activities.
Just wanted to give you some options to consider. You've always been so full of good advice for me!! K
Hairdog you said.......By the way, are you the same cally who live 10 minutes from me, with the hot bod, who's on adultfriendfinder.com. JUST KIDDIN'!
OMG!!! That is the exact site he was on. Didn't know if we could list other web sites here so wasn't going to say which one. But that is one of them that he was on.
Ummmmmm nope I wouldn't list anything on that site.
If I said I would leave....he would say then pack your sh** and get out.
If I said I would throw him out...he would say I'm not going anywhere. pack your sh** and get out. If I told him it hurts me and our relationship.....he would be totally silent. He wouldn't say a word. Or he would try to deny anything sexual or ill intended by him being there on that site. Curiousity yes I can see checking something out. But he has been to this site before. He must have remembered it strongly to go back to it again. WSo to keep going back to the site is not curiousity. The last time I caught him on it he was registered to it also. So he went as far as to register.
You asked if I had denied one of his advances....I would have to say nope. He is the low drive spouse. So he gets the best of both worlds I always say. He gets sex whenever he wants because I am so starved for it usually that when he intitiates he is never turned down. And he gets to love the fact that he can lazily masturbate and not put any energy into it inbetween his every two week advance that he may want sex with a real woman.
If I caught him which I would doubt in the act, he would try to cover it up. He always looks at it when I am at work or gone. He tries to hide it well. If I said to him you want the real thing....Gosh this is terrible and depressing because I can't imagine saying that to my husband. Because he would not be eager or show any desire if I did say that. Once upon a time I did say things like that.
As an occasional browser of some of these sites, I think I'm pretty qualified to give you a really honest answer about what's going through his head.
He is probably thinking "crap...it's getting harder to get horny these days", so he is looking to see what gets him excited. My C would probably tell him to invite you to browse with him so that the sexual energy is shared between the two of you instead of just him. That takes guts on both sides but if you think about it, we are all getting to an age where things are weird. Our spouses aren't looking that great and our plumbing isn't working great either. I've know some older, overweight couples who use porn to get excited and literally use it as a "marital aid". Is this bad? According to Schnarch fantasy is not the path to enlightenment...so who knows? IMHO whatever keeps you together and happy is the right answer.
I guess my point is this...cut him some slack. Acknowledge that you know about it but immediately make him feel "ok" about it. Making him feel bad will cause him to take this activity "underground". When I've confessed some of my alternative interests to my W, she smiles and says "....like you are telling me something I don't know?...ha...it's ok and fine...you aren't a pervert". Then I feel much closer to her.
Now, I'm sorry but I haven't read anything except this post and I don't know your situation. Have you asked him what turns him on? I bet he thinks you can't rise to meet whatever weirdo (sarc) thoughts he has ( I'm saying this sarcastically because I've wrongfully assumed that my W wouldn't 'get' me if I told her my preferences).
Now there comes a point when his activity *is* bad for you too and the longer he does it underground, the more disconnected he's going to get.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
When I first posted I was ready to call it quits. But since I have mustered up some more determination to try and make it work again.
You said......I think you probably realize that a married man who is repeatedly checking out dating sites and researching women in his area is not "just curious". 