Hi all

I didn't hear from H all yesterday!

It occured to me to just get a new phone for the land line, one that has caller ID, so I can screen calls more effectivley.

The evening job, the last of a series of three, went well in the end. Lots of stressful moments in the planning of it, but we have come out of the end of it sane, with satisfied customers and my friendship with good friend back on its previous footing. Maybe the falling out will leave a scar of sorts, maybe it will warn us not to take tooooo much for granted, who knows?

D came along with us and behaved well, lots of people saying what a peach she was! We had a very late night and getting her up for school this morning was a challenge.

This morning H calls. Wants me to call back to test his phone for incoming calls. Apologises for continually asking me to do this! I don't get through. H rings back to check. Then starts talking.

He talks about a film he has watched recently, The Celebration. The plot is about an older, successful man throwing a party for his family, and they all turn up and divulge things that involve exposing him and his misdeeds. Basically the children get their revenge on their father.

H tells me he really loved it, it is the ultimate 'revenge on your parents' movie. The fantasy of going back and telling your parents what you REALLY thought of them. Although he spoke calmly and normally, I could hear the rage and hurt in his voice. (Both his parents are dead.)

I felt sadness and compassion for H. I was so stupid to think that his terrible relationship with his Dad was no big deal in the early years of our M. He didn't mention it much. I now realise it was a HUGE deal. Nobody escapes the effects of a terrrible relationship with their parents. The need to feel love and security from them is a fundamental one, and its lack affects you throughout life.

Then he said he wasn't sure whether the DVD he ordered for my birthday would arrive in time. (They have been ordered but apparently not yet dispatched.) I said, well, I have wanted to see that film for years, a few more days' delay won't matter. And H said, but it would be nice to get it to you in time for your birthday!

Whoooooaaaaaaa???? He has NEVER been THAT worried about getting me presents, let alone presents on time!

Then I asked him about weekend after next. Remember he warned/informed me that he probably would be going away and he wouldn't be able to take D? I asked if I could count on my having D and make plans accordingly. Now look and see what he says -

I thought I told you already!

I said, well you said 'probably', so I am only confirming that she is with me so I can plan.

He said, I am not sure yet, but I guess if I don't go away you can still have her.....

He told me he was going away to stay with friends not that far away and they would be going on long walks, so not suitable for D who wouldn't enjoy it. Not exactly an important reason, IMO. I just try and plan my life around the weekends that I have D or not, and sometimes have to forgo things when they don't work out. But I don't put H on permanenet standby just in case my plans change. So I am going to have to be firmer with H about some advance planning. I am glad it was HE who said that if he didn't go away after all, D would still be with me.

I might have to postpone my "lunch at restaurant with friends" till the following week, and would want D to be there, as it is families, not just adults.

Then I mentioned that D and I were going to buy her a new bike tomorrow, and I wasn't sure how much it would cost. Big silence from H and then a sigh. He said he had NO money this month, he had a big tax bill to pay... I said, I didn't ask you for money. Not yet!

In our SA, any extraordinary expense over a certain amount we go halves on, over and above what he pays as monthly child support. It may very well come under that amount.

All in all, our interaction was fine. I am feeling more detached, not in thrall to constant worry about what H might say or how I will reply.

Although I am reading a lot of sites and BBs about NPD, I am also reading about how not to dehumanise. I feel both more detached and more compassionate, and more calm. I am not looking for any particular RESULT, except inner peace and reserves of strength to make the right (or at least, wiser) choices in my future.

Livnlearn

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates