Hi Pam

Thanks for your post. Yes, with our Hs, it's fun fun fun all the way!

As I slowly come to a place of acceptance about the way my H is, I am left grappling with the problem of how to handle certain issues with my D.

On the practical side I am coming up with solutions to get around the fact that whatever I say or request, H will not modify his behaviour, either because he doesn't give a hoot about doing anything that will inconvience him in the slightest, or because it smacks of being 'controlled' by me!

When D comes back home from her Dad's place, she is usually reeking of cigarette smoke - her clothes, hair, and all her belongings. She goes straight into the shower and does her weekly hair wash too, as she has long hair. I always pack changes of clothes, so she has clean clothes to wear and to take care of eventualities, like getting her stuff wet or a change in the weather. Most times, these clothes are not touched but they come back reeking of cigarette smoke anyway, so I used to stick them in the laundry right anyway. I have now had a brainwave, I pack the clothes tightly in a plastic bag and put them in her backpack - low and behold the clothes yesterday had not picked up the stench of smoke! Nor had they been touched. It turns out that H doesn't even get D to change into her pyjamas, she sleeps in her clothes.

So, when D stays with H, she -

doesn't have to change her underwear
doesn't have to change her clothes
doesn't have to have a shower often
doesn't have to get into her pyjamas at night
doesn't have to brush her hair
doesn't have to finish her homework
doesn't have to refrain from watching just about any movie, however violent or explicit
doesn't have to eat anything that she doesn't want to, ie anything 'healthy'
doesn't have to be protected from full exposure to his OW and his carryings on
etc etc.

Yesterday I told D I didn't like what she had done in one of her school books - she had done shoddy work, scribbled in it and torn pages etc. She looked at me and said "I think it's funny!"

My blood turned cold. This is the sort of thing that H thinks is "funny". Whenever I used to call him on some bad or inappropriate behaviour, he used to laugh evasively. You could never pin him down to admitting he had done anything wrong or inappropriate. And I am talking about times when I was deadly serious, NOT laughing matters. It scares me to see that smirk on D's face.

I have a big problem with rudeness from D as well. Any ideas on how to handle it? I was thinking it is important not to take it personally (although it can hurt) but to see it as something I need to instruct and guide D about. She can see from my response whether my behaviour is a personal reaction to her rudeness or a matter of 'doing the right thing' and letting her know what the rules of good behaviour are, and insisting on them.

I would be very happy to hear from people with practical suggestions about these things, thanks. I DO dread D turning out with H's personality flaws (I hesitate to say NPD here), they are not pretty.

Livnlearn


"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates