It's been a beautiful spring day here but I have spent all day indoors, mostly at my computer, but also doing chores at home. Why am stuck here?
I just need to get to grips with the whole idea that my H really has a particular personality dynamic that goes back for decades. I have no doubt that he is also in some kind of MLC, but some wierd and not nice behaviour has been present from the first. But this kind of behaviour did not include physical abuse or anything obviously and outrageously harmful but it was strange nevertheless. I have battled with this stuff throughout the marriage and it was my battling that probably pushed H away in the end. I didn't accept it quietly, although I wanted my marriage to last, and loved H throughout.
I think back to one paticular incident way back in about 1999, before the bomb and the MLC. We were in my country of origin, spending many months there on my money (so much for him doing 'everything' in our marriage, or even contributing 'all' the money) and I had an episode of acute illness. We happened to be staying at a hotel that served breakfast and dinner but nothing during the day. I asked H as he was leaving in the morning to please pick up something from one of the eateries nearby for lunch and bring it back for me. He groaned and swore. Not just a little, he was really angry. I couldn't believe it. I was hopping mad. I rang reception to ask if someone from the hotel could go out and fetch something. They said they didn't do that! I then rang a friend and asked her to come by with something for me, which she did. I felt so embarassed to be asking third parties when my H was right there staying in the same hotel room with me, can you imagine?
I was also bewildered and couldn't figure it out. I understand he may have been momentarily angry that his plans for the day were interrupted, but I would have thought with a little time to think he would have apologised and tried to make it up to me, but he never did. I wrote about it in my diary, saying that I wondered whether I had to spend the rest of my life with a jerk like that.
He read the diary entry some time later, and threw that in my face as my resenting him. But he never thought about why I would write that. Even when I asked him around the time why he was angry, he couldn't say, and he couldn't apologise.
As far as I am concerned, this was a totally unprovoked and unreasonable show of nastiness and inconsiderateness. He has NEVER shown me any sign of concern or affection when I have been ill. I kid you not! You know, just the usual human things like asking if he can get something, stroking my head etc. He has asked how I am, usually in the tone of "Not another day where I will be inconvenienced, surely?" It is a complete lack of empathy.
I have never overlooked this, but was puzzled by it. I think I was fooled by the fact that he shows 'concern' in his work. But way back, I used to say, charity begins at home. How can your heart bleed for people outside your circle or on the other side of the world, when you ignore the pain in your own family?
But reading about NPD it all clicks into place, I'm afraid. It is positively eeire. About 90% of it is spot on. The rest can be accounted for by the fact that there is tremendous variation and everyone is ultmately an individual, even if they fit a common profile.
There are many many things over the years that just didn't add up about H and his behaviour. But it is beginning to make some sense now.
You know, my H may or may not change his mind about coming back to me, but I don't think he is capable of changing the kind of person he is.
I think OW1 probably did me an unintended favour by luring him away from me. Should I send H, OW1 and OW2 a round robin 'thank you' email? (Only joking! )
As you know here, my sis and others have been telling me to forget him for ages. The loss is all his, they all say. I think they are right, after all.
I need to grieve this, but I have done so much grieving already. But I am slowly sloughing off the skin of responsibility and incessant questioning, the burden of shame that my marriage is in ruins, wondering *why* I just simply feel used by my H all the time. The fact that I am simply being used by a narcissist (it's all they can do) is easier to bear. I can't change or blame a cat for being a cat, and it's the same with my H, unfortunately.
This doesn't mean I have nothing to do and no responsibility to shoulder.
I have to dig myself out of this pit of despair and low self esteem.
I have to be financially independent.
I want to cut the ties with H as much as possible, eventually. I need to come to a decision of what to do so that nothing ties us together with regard to property or money, in the long term. D of course is another matter.
I was sharp with her last evening and slapped her. Then I felt terrible. I worry very much that my unstable mental condition these days is having a negative effect on D. She so doesn't need this stress in her life, a mother who is trying to keep a lid on her own volatile and wearying emotions. But she can be a handful at times, and it worries me. She sees me out of control too often for comfort - either with emotions or anger.
But I am mopping up. I think that having that eternal flame of hope alive in one's heart is very draining when the reality on the ground is totally contradictory. With dropping the rope I hope to achieve some peace of mind and get some focus on the practical side of pulling the threads of my life together.
Here's a list of words people have used to descibe me over the years, and I shall hang on to them, knowing there are all present here, though perhaps buried under some other crap at the moment! -
Wow, you had such an incredible post! It was such a "lightbulb" moment for me.
I, too, am living with a narccist. He never seem too concerned with me at all when I became sick, etc. In fact, when I had nose surgery last year he went to sleep in another room. When I woke up, very disoriented and in pain, he said to me casually, why don't you just take another pill?
Well, I think deep down in my heart I thought I deserved that kind of treatmet, thinkin I was weak if I asked for more help. H always said I was too sensitive, complained that I was always sick, etc. I think my need for attention manifested into internal self doubt. I was constantly worried about my health, what I was doing "wrong" in the realtionship, etc..Eventually, I started to have a lot of outside interests to fill that emotional void I was getting at home.
You sound so incredibely grounded, LnL..I am so proud of you. You have come to a place of acceptance and peace that most people would love to be.
Forgive yourself for getting angry with D. I know exactly how you feel. My S has been acting up quite a bit lately. Although, they are going through a rough time as well, it is important we maintain discipline and boundaries for the kids. In turn, your D will appreciate it that you were more of a mother to her than a friend. That is what the children need right now. A shoulder to cry on and boundaries to be set, no matter the situation.
I certainly hope you had a good day. It seems like you are in a very good place right now. Good for you!
I had a nice day out with Older Guy. It was a beautiful day all day, we went the scenic route and had a couple of little walks with a nice lunch. He insists on paying, even when I try to do so. I don't want to make HUGE fuss about this, and I don't go out often with him. I am not 100% relaxed because I think he likes me too much, if you know what I mean. I feel absolutely nothing for him, he is much older anyway, but he is a decent guy. If he can accept pleasant friendship and occasional outings, that's fine by me. It is good to get away in the fresh air and different surroudnings once in a while.
Yesterday I emailed H politely, requesting him to make sure D did all her homework while she was with him. I pointed out that she is tired when she arrives home after a whole weekend of fun and there's little time to do her homework and have dinner and have her bath and wash and dry her long hair etc etc. before bedtime. Also, she doesn't like doing her homework last thing before going to bed really. Sometimes she is cranky at that hour.
So, today she turns up back home at 6.30 pm and - you guessed it, she hasn't finished her homework, only done half. Luckily she is sitting quietly and doing it while I cook her dinner. But I can see that requesting H, however politely and tactfully I do it, gets me absolutely nowhere.
Why should he bother? It is aggravating getting a child to sit and do homewok when they don't want to do it, and often she asks for help and gets worked up when some problem isn't working out right.... why should he put himself through all that hassle if he can drop it in my lap? Why am I even asking this question in the light of what I KNOW about H?
This leopard is not going to change his spots. I've got that.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I totally hear you on the homework thing, and I cannot say as though I have all the answers.
My boys are a little older, so it is easier to get them to assume the responsibility for their own work.
But this is the way it used to always happen...
H would pick them up on a Friday night and they wouldn't even take their homework with. They would return Sunday night around 8, dig into their work and stay up however late it took them to get it done. Then the next day I would have tired crabby boys on my hands.
H didn't attend college, thinks that homework is dumb, school is boring and that homework is my domain. It cramps his style, and takes away his time as fun dad.
I wasn't getting anywhere with him, so I finally had to talk to the boys and suggest that homework not be left until Sunday night (ie it needs to go with them when they go with "fun dad"). S12 agreed, S15 said he didn't mind staying up late to do it on Sunday night.
They are both A/B students in honors classes.
I wish I had a good idea of how to address this with your D, I know how infuriating it can be to be the only responsible parent.
Count your blessings though that you are able to be that responsible parent. As I am now teaching in the schools I see so many kids who are suffering from dysfunctional family issues and/or uninvolved parents. It breaks my heart. And I do hate to generalize, but the kids from single parent families really do seem to have it worse off. I can sympathize though, as I now know how hard it is to keep it all together for us and them (the kids) both.
Thanks for your post. Yes, with our Hs, it's fun fun fun all the way!
As I slowly come to a place of acceptance about the way my H is, I am left grappling with the problem of how to handle certain issues with my D.
On the practical side I am coming up with solutions to get around the fact that whatever I say or request, H will not modify his behaviour, either because he doesn't give a hoot about doing anything that will inconvience him in the slightest, or because it smacks of being 'controlled' by me!
When D comes back home from her Dad's place, she is usually reeking of cigarette smoke - her clothes, hair, and all her belongings. She goes straight into the shower and does her weekly hair wash too, as she has long hair. I always pack changes of clothes, so she has clean clothes to wear and to take care of eventualities, like getting her stuff wet or a change in the weather. Most times, these clothes are not touched but they come back reeking of cigarette smoke anyway, so I used to stick them in the laundry right anyway. I have now had a brainwave, I pack the clothes tightly in a plastic bag and put them in her backpack - low and behold the clothes yesterday had not picked up the stench of smoke! Nor had they been touched. It turns out that H doesn't even get D to change into her pyjamas, she sleeps in her clothes.
So, when D stays with H, she -
doesn't have to change her underwear doesn't have to change her clothes doesn't have to have a shower often doesn't have to get into her pyjamas at night doesn't have to brush her hair doesn't have to finish her homework doesn't have to refrain from watching just about any movie, however violent or explicit doesn't have to eat anything that she doesn't want to, ie anything 'healthy' doesn't have to be protected from full exposure to his OW and his carryings on etc etc.
Yesterday I told D I didn't like what she had done in one of her school books - she had done shoddy work, scribbled in it and torn pages etc. She looked at me and said "I think it's funny!"
My blood turned cold. This is the sort of thing that H thinks is "funny". Whenever I used to call him on some bad or inappropriate behaviour, he used to laugh evasively. You could never pin him down to admitting he had done anything wrong or inappropriate. And I am talking about times when I was deadly serious, NOT laughing matters. It scares me to see that smirk on D's face.
I have a big problem with rudeness from D as well. Any ideas on how to handle it? I was thinking it is important not to take it personally (although it can hurt) but to see it as something I need to instruct and guide D about. She can see from my response whether my behaviour is a personal reaction to her rudeness or a matter of 'doing the right thing' and letting her know what the rules of good behaviour are, and insisting on them.
I would be very happy to hear from people with practical suggestions about these things, thanks. I DO dread D turning out with H's personality flaws (I hesitate to say NPD here), they are not pretty.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
This coming Sunday is the two year anniversary of the bomb, and a few days after that is my forty fifth birthday.
I am organising a meal at a restaurant and hoping a bunch of friends can make it. It will be a celebration of my birthday (won't play up that aspect) but also a new begining and a look to the future!
It is painful to NOT invite H, but I think it is what I have to do. My heart is still tugging me towards him, but my head says it's best to stay aloof from now on.
He rang earlier today. Said he was just checking that D got home OK last night. I said, you would have heard from me by now if she hadn't! He said, well, she got a lift with the Dad of w3's daughter, and also said his phone was not working properly.
Then he asked if I had a nice weekend. I said, yes, thank you. Then he asked where I went. I told him the general area. I was wondering if he would ask who I went with, but he didn't. I would have just said, someone you don't know.
Then there was a slight pause, and we both said, well then, bye for now, and hung up. I felt no urge on my part to chat.
D didn't finish her homework last night and had to get up early and finish it off this morning before school.
One of my projects in the coming weeks and months is learning how to handle her better. How to not always react to her bad behaviour, but to firmly and lovingly call her on it. To set those boundaries.
Goodnight all!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I also might advise not to invite your H, don't let him detract from your special day.
I know that when I recently had my 40th that I decided to leave my H out. Including him would have left me concerned about him, what he thought, pleasing him, blah blah blah.
As it was I got nothing from him, no card, no flowers, no nothing and this was my 40th mind you. He said he had no $, what a bunch of crap, the dollar store sells cards for 50 cents for goodness sakes. But all that would have required him thinking about someone besides himself for a change.
It's your turn. Have a great time and leave him out of the group celebration for now. If he does want to do something for your B'day make it the three of you or the two of you, not anything more than that.
LnL, I also agree that you shouldn't invite your H, especially because it seems as if you have made up your mind to move on without him.
Letting go of that hope of reconciliation is hard, isn't it? I thought I had it beat, but I found out this weekend that I have a long way to go.
Good luck with the birthday plans!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I wouldn't invite your H - why ruin your party? If he's there, all you'll be doing is thinking about and observing him. Without him there, you are free to celebrate with the people who value you. (If he asks, you are of course free to mention what your plans are - and if he REALLY wants to celebrate with you, I'm sure he'd invite himself - just don't hold your breath!)
Quote: Then he asked if I had a nice weekend. I said, yes, thank you. Then he asked where I went. I told him the general area. I was wondering if he would ask who I went with, but he didn't. I would have just said, someone you don't know.
Why on earth didn't you take this opportunity to just answer "oh, I went on a date with X to Y"????
Quote: Yesterday I told D I didn't like what she had done in one of her school books - she had done shoddy work, scribbled in it and torn pages etc. She looked at me and said "I think it's funny!"
My blood turned cold. This is the sort of thing that H thinks is "funny". Whenever I used to call him on some bad or inappropriate behaviour, he used to laugh evasively. You could never pin him down to admitting he had done anything wrong or inappropriate. And I am talking about times when I was deadly serious, NOT laughing matters. It scares me to see that smirk on D's face.
I have a big problem with rudeness from D as well. Any ideas on how to handle it?
I'd be careful about the possibilty of overreacting to D because you are afraid she will turn out like H. She may imitate certain behaviors or phrases from H, but that doesn't mean she's destined to grow up a weird NPD person - so try really hard to separate out what is reacting to HER and what is carrying your baggage with H overinto your R with her. (MY H used to do this a lot with S18 - get mad at him for what he perceived as "bad traits" that bothered him in his R with ME).
As for the disrespectful stuff - I know, it's hard without another adult backing you up, isn't it? I love it when my H interevenes and calls the kids on it if they speak disrespectfully to me. But bear in mind - children in these sitches act up with the parent they feel SAFE with. She probably doesn't feel like she can express her "bad side" to H because she might lose him - so all her pain and fear about the sitch comes out as bad behavior with you.
Loving detachment - I guess that's the key - don't personalize her behavior so much, just set some clear and firm boundaries and then love her to pieces.
I think you just need to let her know that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable. Let her know that you will treat her with love and respect and you expect the same from her. My problem is with whining. I let D8 know that when she is able to speak to me without whining, I will be happy to listen to her. It may be a losing battle, but at least she knows what is expected.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
)
I need to, for the moment.
Nor had they been touched. It turns out that H doesn't even get D to change into her pyjamas, she sleeps in her clothes. 
If he's there, all you'll be doing is thinking about and observing him. Without him there, you are free to celebrate with the people who value you. (If he asks, you are of course free to mention what your plans are - and if he REALLY wants to celebrate with you, I'm sure he'd invite himself - just don't hold your breath!)