It's been a beautiful spring day here but I have spent all day indoors, mostly at my computer, but also doing chores at home. Why am stuck here?
I just need to get to grips with the whole idea that my H really has a particular personality dynamic that goes back for decades. I have no doubt that he is also in some kind of MLC, but some wierd and not nice behaviour has been present from the first. But this kind of behaviour did not include physical abuse or anything obviously and outrageously harmful but it was strange nevertheless. I have battled with this stuff throughout the marriage and it was my battling that probably pushed H away in the end. I didn't accept it quietly, although I wanted my marriage to last, and loved H throughout.
I think back to one paticular incident way back in about 1999, before the bomb and the MLC. We were in my country of origin, spending many months there on my money (so much for him doing 'everything' in our marriage, or even contributing 'all' the money) and I had an episode of acute illness. We happened to be staying at a hotel that served breakfast and dinner but nothing during the day. I asked H as he was leaving in the morning to please pick up something from one of the eateries nearby for lunch and bring it back for me. He groaned and swore. Not just a little, he was really angry. I couldn't believe it. I was hopping mad. I rang reception to ask if someone from the hotel could go out and fetch something. They said they didn't do that! I then rang a friend and asked her to come by with something for me, which she did. I felt so embarassed to be asking third parties when my H was right there staying in the same hotel room with me, can you imagine?
I was also bewildered and couldn't figure it out. I understand he may have been momentarily angry that his plans for the day were interrupted, but I would have thought with a little time to think he would have apologised and tried to make it up to me, but he never did. I wrote about it in my diary, saying that I wondered whether I had to spend the rest of my life with a jerk like that.
He read the diary entry some time later, and threw that in my face as my resenting him. But he never thought about why I would write that. Even when I asked him around the time why he was angry, he couldn't say, and he couldn't apologise.
As far as I am concerned, this was a totally unprovoked and unreasonable show of nastiness and inconsiderateness. He has NEVER shown me any sign of concern or affection when I have been ill. I kid you not! You know, just the usual human things like asking if he can get something, stroking my head etc. He has asked how I am, usually in the tone of "Not another day where I will be inconvenienced, surely?" It is a complete lack of empathy.
I have never overlooked this, but was puzzled by it. I think I was fooled by the fact that he shows 'concern' in his work. But way back, I used to say, charity begins at home. How can your heart bleed for people outside your circle or on the other side of the world, when you ignore the pain in your own family?
But reading about NPD it all clicks into place, I'm afraid. It is positively eeire. About 90% of it is spot on. The rest can be accounted for by the fact that there is tremendous variation and everyone is ultmately an individual, even if they fit a common profile.
There are many many things over the years that just didn't add up about H and his behaviour. But it is beginning to make some sense now.
You know, my H may or may not change his mind about coming back to me, but I don't think he is capable of changing the kind of person he is.
I think OW1 probably did me an unintended favour by luring him away from me. Should I send H, OW1 and OW2 a round robin 'thank you' email? (Only joking! )
As you know here, my sis and others have been telling me to forget him for ages. The loss is all his, they all say. I think they are right, after all.
I need to grieve this, but I have done so much grieving already. But I am slowly sloughing off the skin of responsibility and incessant questioning, the burden of shame that my marriage is in ruins, wondering *why* I just simply feel used by my H all the time. The fact that I am simply being used by a narcissist (it's all they can do) is easier to bear. I can't change or blame a cat for being a cat, and it's the same with my H, unfortunately.
This doesn't mean I have nothing to do and no responsibility to shoulder.
I have to dig myself out of this pit of despair and low self esteem.
I have to be financially independent.
I want to cut the ties with H as much as possible, eventually. I need to come to a decision of what to do so that nothing ties us together with regard to property or money, in the long term. D of course is another matter.
I was sharp with her last evening and slapped her. Then I felt terrible. I worry very much that my unstable mental condition these days is having a negative effect on D. She so doesn't need this stress in her life, a mother who is trying to keep a lid on her own volatile and wearying emotions. But she can be a handful at times, and it worries me. She sees me out of control too often for comfort - either with emotions or anger.
But I am mopping up. I think that having that eternal flame of hope alive in one's heart is very draining when the reality on the ground is totally contradictory. With dropping the rope I hope to achieve some peace of mind and get some focus on the practical side of pulling the threads of my life together.
Here's a list of words people have used to descibe me over the years, and I shall hang on to them, knowing there are all present here, though perhaps buried under some other crap at the moment! -
)
I need to, for the moment.
