OH, so true. If I pull away, I'm the one giving up on us. Yet, if I invite him to move home, he's just not ready. He runs off for a vacation to the bahamas without a word to any of us, and I'm giving up on him if I don't fall all over him upon his return. I have always been just too forgiving, too nice, and now here I am, feeling guilty for even thinking that I've just had ENOUGH.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I have no problem with sending him the ingredient, but it still makes me wonder how he can be like that - insulting and angry one minute, and then asking for stuff the next. Even if it is small stuff. I would feel strange doing that.
Anyway, whatever.
Today, H was due to pick up D from school at 12.30 to take her out to lunch. I got in the door at 12.50 to hear someone leaving a voicemail - her teacher at school saying D was in tears as she was waiting to be picked up and nobody had arrived. I tried ringing H, and only got through to him just before 1 pm. He had just picked up D. Said he had a problem with the buses.
I know these things happen, but the few times when I have gone along too, I have almost always been there first (and in time) and we have had to wait at least ten minutes for H to arrive. He ought to know by now how long it takes to reach and leave a little time in hand. I know how upsetting it is to young kids to have to wait; when they think they have been forgotten, and have to wait and wait in front of all their classmates.
Oh well.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Ahhhh! Your poor D. I hope your H made up for it with a good lunch.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I understand being jerked around. This is something my H has done for years. He will call me names, being an absolute jerk and then try to be all sweet and nice and act like he never did those horrible things. We are not dealing with normal people.
In one day, my H left three messages. One swearing at me, calling me names. The next one threatening to show up at my parents house if I didn't give him what I want. And the third "Hey its me...." chatting like he had never left the other two. That is not normal behavior.
Have you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft? It is about emotional abuse. I think you might find it interesting.
Thanks for your visits. Moving Forward, I haven't come across the book you mentioned, I will look it up sometime. I have meanwhile been reading up on Narcissitic Personality Disorder and while much of it is so spot on, there are some aspects that still don't gel. Of couse no two people are the same, but then I read one personal account (journalling) of a woman's life with her H whom she decided had NPD, it was eeriely similar.
Basically right now I am backing off the situation and just thinking and reading. No contact with H except about D visitation. I am afraid when he calls I sound just about neutral, no interest or excitement in my voice.
Last night was one on the job with good friend, and it went well. We have made up and brushed clean some of the cobwebs in our friendship. So that's one good thing.
Older guy has been calling to ask about Sunday plans. I said I would go out with him if D was away with her Dad. Usually H rings the landlord by Thursday to confirm the arrangments for D's lift up. I heard nothing, so I emailed him this morning. At lunch time he rings to say that they are going up, but they don't know for sure whether they will stay overnight. This, as usual, means I cannot make plans to go out Saturday night or the whole day Sunday until the last minute . I do different things on Sunday depending on whether D is there or not, as she doesn't like all the 'boring' stuff that adults might want to do!
I understand that H lives in the sticks and has to depend on his landlord for lifts for D, but it is getting ridiculous, that I have to live my life depending on how the landlords of my separated H are living theirs. This has got to end at some point. It has got to become H's responsiblity to sort out transport for D. Thank goodness in the SA it says that he is reponsible for picking up and dropping D home, otherwise he would have had me jigging a merry dance.
H always comes back to how he is put in this position because I am in the family home and he has to live far away because he can't afford to live in town. Sometimes I long to be disentangled from him financially (and maybe downsize), but on the other hand, H himself has said that he never wants to own a home again, he frankly cannot be bothered with maintaining a home as such, so wherever he was he would be living a sort of batchelor existence, hardly providng a home for D. Which is why I intend to stay put here.
I would like to be able to insist that if it is H's weekend to have D, then he makes the arrangements to have her, come what may, so I get my time out, as it were. If I straight out said that, I know there would be a big rant and firworks about how I can never compromise etc.
The truth is, folks, if I base my expectations of how things will be in the future on how things were before, even in the "good ol' days", then I predict just more abdication of responsibility and H doing stuff to suit himself. Let's face it, after ranting and raging at me last summer for taking D away from him for "three months" (even though it was only nine weeks, and we were visiting the rest of D's family after all) he told me quite matter of factly (in fact I think he even stated that he was 'informing me') that he would likely be away for eight months this year, in my country of origin, working on his project. He didn't ask if it was OK with me, vis a vis looking after D during his visitation weekends or anything. I guess he thinks he has the right to do so, now that he is 'free' of me.
Any help to think through this puzzle?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I just wanted to tell you you are doing great! I just read some of your posts..I plan on catching up after this reply.
I too, believe, that my H has NPD. I have been reading up on it and it is all too familiar. The world is based around him and his needs. Kind of like a five year old who is so egocentric and just doesn't get it.
It seems the more we pull away, the more curious these Aliens are. Isn't it ironic? Sometimes you just want to say forget it. Too much effort. Believe me, I know. I am just about there.
Have fun on Sunday with the "older man." It's so good for the PMA just to get out and have some attention and quality conversation.
BTW, my H used to do the EXACT same thing. Call me names and the next phone call would be so normal. Crazy, isn't it.
My H is all over the place. I just don't care anymore. I will continue to GAL and go out with friends, take care of kids and be ME! It's not so bad being alone when you can take a breather from all this MLC b.s.
Would it be possible to have H drop of your D with a friend or reletive if he brings her back early? You could still have your plans, and make him wonder where you are at the same time.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
This is what Sam Vaknin, someone diagnosed with NPD, has to say about the long term prognosis of the condition -
"Narcissism is a dynamic. Its outcomes can be either socially acceptable or condemnable—but the underlying corrosive phenomenon is the same. One cannot heal merely by cognitively accepting that one is diseased. The assimilation of such an insight requires an emotional complement, an investment of feelings and humility. I lack these.
I once wrote in The Malignant Optimism of the Abused:
I often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion that the narcissist provokes in his victims. It is what I call "malignant optimism." People refuse to believe that some questions are unsolvable, some diseases incurable, some disasters inevitable. They see a sign of hope in every fluctuation. They read meaning and patterns into every random occurrence, utterance, or slip. They are deceived by their own pressing need to believe in the ultimate victory of good over evil, health over sickness, order over disorder. Life appears otherwise so meaningless, so unjust and so arbitrary... So, they impose upon it a design, progress, aims, and paths. This is magical thinking. "
Food for thought.
H rang around 9.30 last night to tell me that D would be staying overnight till the Sunday. He apologised for not ringing earlier, said he had been out having fun at a Cuban evening somewhere and had forgotten.
I also forgot to send up his ingredient.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
