Quote: But when you talk about your H- it's hard to tell, did he use to be a good guy, or was he always self-centered and obnoxious? I guess one way to answer this is, what did other people think of him before the affairs? Did friends and family think he was great - or were they always troubled by him?
Good questions.
H is quite personable. He is intellegent. Attended one of the most famous universities in the world. Has read a lot (said he read War and Peace around age ten or eleven - that should tell you something about the emotional loneliness of his childhood, despite two parents, a sister and domestic servants...clues!) and is articulate. I was definitely attracted to his intellegence and articulacy.
We also shared two major interests - cycle touring (we used to go out on day long rides together in the beginning) and the area of my personal work, which at the time he was dabbling in as a hobby. And although he was not accomplished in it at the time, he could talk very intellegently about it.
None of these things are qualities of the heart though.
I could see that H was vulnerable - he had had a very peculiar background (his father and probably mother both severe narcissists), despite wealth, it was almost without love. The love came from his grandmother, who happened to be a (passive) nazi.
I think I reached out to H's neediness, for family, closeness, security etc, none of which he ever really had. But I was always puzzled at how little I got back, emotionally. The accumulated incidents over the years led me to believe (before the bomb etc) that should something serious ever happen to me - like I got wheelchair bound, for example - then H would not be there for me. As long as I was there for him, that was one thing, but he would not put himself out for me.
Around 1998 and onwards, H started getting interested in my line of work and took it up gradually, with my encouragment. He got serious about it through the years. He also got very grand and reffered to himself in glowing terms. I don't have the ability to lie through my teeth and heap (insincere) praise on someone when I don't feel it is deserved. Maybe H resented the fact that I was not his No.1 fan. I just didn't see the need for that role, as it seemed to be already occupied by H himself!
Ellie, I am sure you have seen a thread of grandiosity running through H from some of the things I have journalled here over the last year or more - referring to himself as an alpha male, his telling me "what he was prepared to do for me" soon after the bomb (it was a shock to him that the law thought differently), his admitting to me before Christmas in an email that his major error over the years was his "not being hard enough on me", and of course the famous round robin email to me and his two OW!
I think I confused being needed by H with being loved by him. They are two very different things. I am only just beginning to see that clearly. Even though I have known for a while that H had 'user' tenedencies. He has described a couple of his friends as cats, who only take, not give. But he is the biggest cat of them all.
Did my friends and family like him before all this happened? My sis always found him strange and a bit obnoxious, but was always polite - as she says, I had chosen to marry him and he was her bother in law.
After the bomb dropped, many of my friends said immediately - "It's his loss, not yours!" Of course, I thought they were being kind, but perhaps it is the truth. Some have confided that they never cared much for him, some said they saw him being cold or mean to me. Just little, but telling things.
Even H himself has said he knows he is not everybody's cup of tea. None of us are, but it is more pronounced with H - either people like him or they really, really don't.
Will continue later...
Livnlearn
PS I think there may be a fair few Narcissists among the WASs on this board. It may help you to try and figure out if your WAS fits the profile well, so you get an idea of what you are up against. And whether you want to continue bashing your head against a wall.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
