I was also reading excerpts from an online book today, called “Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited” by Sam Vaknin. Amazingly it has been written by a diagnosed and self confessed Narcissist.
I recognise too much in there to avoid the realisation that my H fits the pattern almost exactly, and I possibly fit the description of someone who feels attracted to Narcissists (the inverted Narcissist).
I have been thinking about the type of man I have always been attracted to and sometimes involved with, and while superficially they are not alike, they have all been what you might be describe as "particular".
This book also talks about how the Inverted Narcissist falls for Narcissists because it turns their world Technicolour, rather than dull grey. I have had 'dull' suitors in my time and have spurned them, one and all.
But from my readings so far, it seems that once a Narcissist, always one. There is NO WAY things will change. And while reading about it is pretty compelling and chillng, it also relieves a burden I have been carrying, for not being able to sustain or save my marriage.
I have always been aware of my H's characterstics and shortcomings for the most part, and thought they were not serious (enough) things to worry about. They did not include physical abuse and stuff like that. But they are things that will not allow a real and intimate relationship in the long term. I always imagined that somehow things would pan out, just somehow, anyhow.
When reading the words today, I got goosebumps at some of the things written, as the very same words and descriptions have come out of the mouth of H, about himself.
I feel some compassion for the man, but I know that that compassion will not be reciprocated. Because he is incapable of it. One of the things he despised his father for was sentimentality, yet H displays it in bucketfuls.
Here's a quote - " Narcissists are capable of sentimentality - but not of (experiencing) emotions
Here is something the guy says on his website about himself -
"I have no interest in intellectual stimulation by significant others (it is perceived by me as a threat). Significant others have very clear roles: accumulation and dispensation of past Primary Narcissistic Supply in order to regulate current NS. Nothing less but definitely nothing more. Proximity and intimacy breed contempt for reasons that I elucidate in my work. A process of devaluation is always in full operation.
All the above and a passive witness to my past grandiosity, a dispenser of accumulated NS, a punching bag for my rages, a co-dependent, a possession (though not prized but taken for granted) and much more. Being my partner is an ungrateful, FULL TIME, draining job ." (emphasis added)
It is interesting to me that the bad times increased around the time when H took up a line of work that I was already in.
More later...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
