It does seem to me, that at this point, the only thing to do is to move forward with your life. Your H needs to see and feel the real consequences of his actions - including seeing you with other men, hearing his D talk about your male friends, etc. - before he'll ever wake up out of all this, I'm afraid. And even then - he MAY not - because, as you have noted, this behavior is really not too inconsistent with who he was BEFORE the affairs, unlike many of our h's.
Having said that - who knows what the story is with OW2. Maybe she's back hounding him and clinging to him, and he'll tire of her, while he sees you moving forward, having fun with your friends, etc. Don't ASSume things - just detach, move forward with your life AS IF he's not coming back - leave that door open but quit waiting. He can't miss you until you drop that rope.
With respect, I think you are missing the point a little. I HAVE been trying to save my M. But this is something else.
My strong feeling is that it is NOT appropriate for our nine-year-old D to be sleeping in a bed with her father and his OW.
Forget at this moment trying to get him back, I think he is much too far gone right now. He is a law unto himself.
*I* wouldn't want him back like this, no way.
Here is a draft of a letter that I just wrote. I will not send it. There is no point sending stuff unless it has an effect, but I am just so disgusted.
Maybe I am assuming too much, perhaps OW2 will be sleeping out in the cold under the stars, or somewhere else. But I do doubt it, frankly.
Quote: Dear H
I am not interested in your relationship with OW2 but as D's mother I do take a close interest in what I consider totally inapproiate behaviour, which includes her having to share a bed with her father and a women he is sexually invovled with, but who isn't her mother. It is every mother's duty to protect her offspring from inappropriate behaviour, and that includes if it comes from their father. It is your duty to make sure that D has an apppropriate place to sleep. Hosting OW2 is NOT your first priority.
I don't understand how you are prepared to sink so low in your desperate search for someone or something to fill the hole in your life. Does OW2 herself not have any self respect? Is she desperate too? Could you imagine having to have slept in your father's bed with his lover when you were nine? Don't you get it at all?
For the love of D, do the right thing.
This is really frying my brain.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
LNL - just buy D a cute little sleeping bag so she can sleep on the floor or the sofa when she goes there. None of the rest of that stuff will get you what you want.
And you ARE ASSuming a little bit here - wasn't there some prior discussion of an alternate sleeping arrangement made last time? Maybe your D ISN'T sharing the bed with them this time.
Who knows. Just think now about what YOU want and deserve in your life, and go after it!
I was thinking the same thing. A cute sleeping bag or a blow up air mattress for her to leave there at dad's place. I found one that is a sleeping bag and air mattress all in one. Mel
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
There is no sofa to speak of at H's place, just a sort of cane double seat.
And H did not request me to send up D's sleeping bag.
Last year remember H sent me a ranting email about how he will have OW2 sleeping wherever he wants whether D is there or not! That was after OW2 was supposed to have walked out on him. I guess she couldn't resist the flattery in H's round robin email that she was the most attractive in his harem! I sure hope she feels special.
Ellie, I sure will go after what I want in other parts of my life. But, my heart is not so easily won by every Tom, Dick and Harry. It will take a long time for me to trust and let anyone in again. That's supposing there's a queque for my heart in the first place.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I do believe that you feel certain that H, D, and OW2 (by the way it is pretty pathetic of him that he has so many OW's that we have to number them) all slept together in one bed.
But if you really do want to make your point and have him hear it, maybe you should first ask to ascertain the facts before you assume what you believe to be true.
To me it is clearly wrong for them to all be sleeping in the same bed, but evidently H is beyond the capacity to think clearly. Before I went out breathing fire, I would first make sure of the facts and then pose a solution like an air mattress or whatever.
It usu seems like going directly to OW is not recommended, it maybe gives them the legitimacy that they do not deserve.
Just some thoughts. I know you would wish for all this stupid pain to just be over with.
Maybe devouring the head off your chocolate bunny would make you feel better.
It is absurd, but after being resolute about detaching last week, I found myself crying in the shower. Well, at least the tears didn't make a mess there!
I guess Ellie you may be right. Who knows what OW2 is really doing there? She may have come to plead. She may be back with H and they may be planning a life together, who knows. I cannot live H's life for him. I don't want him interferring in mine, I will have to let him get on with his.
Ellie, there were many things wrong with our marriage before this. But betrayal, such hideousness was not present. Many needs not being met, selfishness, yes. I guess I didn't have the tools to bring out the best in H during our marriage. I never got the chance, really. Once I had the tools (some of them) H was well into his crisis and not open to that stuff. He is well ensconced in his present path.
His relationship with OW2 is hardly stable, whatever else it is. He was pretty anti OW2 last year after he split up with her the first time, and he was confiding in me.
I think it is a relationship born of his desperate need. And probably hers.
While I can't imagine getting involved with a guy just out of desperation. Even though I am desperately low and lonely at times.
Today, Easter Sunday, I am devoting to cleaning and tidying the house and doing chores. I am on my own here and it is a cold, dark wet day outside!
At least good friend called just now for a chat. She too is working at home!
In the evening I am going to watch a DVD and have a glass of wine, in a clean house.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
In the words of the American playwright Clare Boothe Luce: "A man has only one escape from his old self: to see a different self in the mirror of some woman's eyes."
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
That is just so true. When they look in our eyes, they see their failure. When they look at OW, they don't have that.
So, how do we stop reflecting that back at them and start showing them the possibility of a new future? I guess that's what we're working on here, right?
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
