Hello Everyone,

Happy Easter again! I imagine you are all drowning in cheap chocolate, like we are??? Tell a lie, I did actually get given a box of nice handmade chocolates, but all of D's chcoclate eggs are pretty awful, chocolate wise. But I think I am a little bit of a chocolate snob.

Anyhow, our friend and her kids picked up D in the car on Thursday, to take them up to the house in the hills later. I left on my bicycle. It's about 36 kms (about 20 miles) but includes a climb of around 2,000 feet as well. The first hour was on the flat, and great! The second hour was climbing, and also OK. I was really happy to be on my bike again, doing some mileage! The third hour was HARD. I had forgotten to eat much beforehand and didn't have anything with me, only water! I hit the wall the last couple of kilometres of climbing. But I made it.

I was expecting to reach the house with them there, the heating on and food available. I could have eaten anything at that point. But the house was empty and locked.

It was cool and overcast and humid, and my sweat made me feel chilled. I hung around for an hour, then got tired of waiting and walked up the last kikometre or two to the town, up a steep road, to get some grub. I was rather slow up that last part!

Of course when I returned, feeling slightly humam, they told me they had arrived just minutes after I left!

Anyhow, we had a fun day - the kids played all day, I hid little chocolate ladybirds around the big garden and they hunted for them. I read a whole novel from end to end - what luxury! And we prepared and ate nice but simple food.

I rang H yesterday evening to arrange the handover of D. My friend had said she would drive her to the town near H for him to pick her up. While I was talking to him, I heard a female cough in the background. I was fairly certain it was OW2. She used to cough in the background all the time when she was with him. She seems to have a smoker's cough - lovely! But anyway, I tried to put it out of my mind, and NOT assume.

We left this morning in the car to drop her off. Along the way we had a flat and had to change the tyre. I tried to ring H at home to warn him we would be late. OW2 answered the phone, said H was not there. I put the phone down.

I managed to control my emotions. We met H in a bar and everyone had a drink - coffee or whatever, except me. Then my friend offered to take D and H down to his house as he had done some shopping. I decided to kill time in town and wait for their return, I did NOT want to run into OW2. H asked if I wanted anything to drink. I delclined. He looked quite happy, almost smug. I frankly felt a bit sick.

I said bye to D and by the time they returned and we got back to their house, I felt very emotional and had a little private cry before lunch.

It feels so bad handing over my (our) child to H, who I love and married, so he can take her off to his place with OW2. I know for a fact he only has one double bed at his place. So they will all sleep in it together.

I don't know where to turn anymore. Did I marry a man with SUCH different morals to mine? Is this scummy or what? Is she going to be a feature of my landscape forever?

More than what H has done to me, I hate what he does to me and our daughter. She is too young to think much of this is wrong. I am terrified she will grow up thinking this stuff is AOK. But her Dad does it, so what?

I cycled down to town and home after lunch. It was a lovely ride (much of it in the mountain mist), but I felt very emotional amd my eyes streamed.

I just had a hot bath and feel better. Now what?

To think I was actually thinking of asking H to come down and look after D for the three evenings when I have that cooking job next week and the week after. I decided against it, even before knowing OW2 had turned up in the picture once again.

H makes my flesh crawl now. That man doesn't have an emotional brain. He only knows what 'he wants'. And he will have it.

I can't do that puke picture very well, without that curly thing, only this -

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Livnlearn

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates