Cultivating Self Love

[sage]

But what prevents H from changing his address to where he is living now? We are standing in the bank, it needs him to tell the clerk his present address, and hey presto, it is done! And I am a bitch?

Maybe he's concerned about losing this connection with you? That may sound silly give D and all...but perhaps he's seeing it as you cutting ties?

Sage

[JinBklyn]

LNL, He is just reacting because you are finally saying No more. He is reacting because his power has been diminished, and his reactions are to bait you into giving it back to him.

I've seen it all over the BB - as soon as the LBS starts moving on, the WAS gets angry, defensive, stubborn, mean... and it is all to protect the power they've either usurped or that the LBS has given them by being willing to do anything to get the WAS back.

At this point, I think you setting your boundaries is threatening your H, and he is reacting. Don't take the bait - let him stomp and pout, don't engage his tantrum, don't react. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is the most useful sentence in the book for these types of things.

Jennifer

[Livnlearn]

Just want to add, although I did tell him everything as I reported in my post, I did not lose my temper, act mean or shed a tear. I was totally calm. After all, I was actually giving him what he wanted which is that I pay up to the last penny what it stated in the SA. So I was bowing to his wishes on that, and asking him to tie up certain loose ends in return. It's what HE WANTS, after all.

Livnlearn

[Pamila]

LnL,

Good for you for standing up for yourself at the bank, and I agree with the others that H's "bad" reaction is probably a response to you not letting him walk all over you.


Aren't you glad that if H does lose that card that it will be his problem and not yours?

I have the same problem with the mail. H's mail comes here, but I have not made an issue out of it as him changing the address will also cause mail that is listed "H and Pam" to be forwarded to him as well.

I have taken steps of changing some things to my name only, little by little. I did it for the cell phone I use and I even changed the account name on my acct at the drycleaners, to Pam instead of H.

Little things like that are baby steps but they sure do feel empowering.

At your recommendation I also started reading the Dr Laura book about 10 stupid things women do, what an eye opener. I may even post to my thread about that instead of hijacking yours.

I would not have picked this route for us, but I do feel like I am growing and learning more about myself as a result.

peace, love and tie dye (as a friend of mine says)

Pam

[Underdog]

Hi LNL,

Looks like you've got some good input here today! As always, they are really good observations and gentle suggestions.

I found Jennifer's observations very true in my own. After such a long time of holding control over our R, suddenly, Mr. W. realized that when I made the decision to remove the decision from his table that he no longer had the control.

And that made him angry.

While he wasn't nasty like your H is being, he snapped at me and made comments that suggested he was a martyr. And I found them a little nauseating.

So just toughen up and know he's reacting to not holding sole control over the decision--it's not you, it's him. You've heard it before and I'm sure you'll get sick if you keep hearing it here.

But you can do all of this without having to match him on nasty and resentful (he seems to be doing enough for both of you, doesn't he?). Use the knowledge that you've learned over the past few months--and you've been doing beautifully with this lately--and apply it to the NOW.

Be firm but gentle. Let him know with your words and actions that you are playing by a consistent set of rules and aren't out to hurt him. Your actions will show this best, and after a few times of trying to engage you in old patterns that do not work, he'll quit behaving badly.

There are consequences for indecision, as we both know. It's time for him to understand this as well.

Betsey

[Livnlearn]

Thanks for all your posts in the last few days - Being Me, Moving Forward, Pamila, Jennifer, Sage, Slowly and Undy!

Well, we (friend, D and I) went to the film yesterday, and it was a hoot. We laughed our way through it and chatted normally during the intermission and afterwards.

Friend is also experiencing a dose of the woman we are doing the job for, as she rings her often and is on the phone for ages, with a new problem of some sort. This whole job thing was the trigger from my original outburst with my friend.

We may meet up later during Easter when I am down from the hills.

Happy Easter everyone!

Livnlearn

[Dmsw4]

Happy Easter Livnlearn. Thank you for being you. I too am struggling with some of the same tortures and hearing your strong voice coming to me is inspiring. Crying, Mel

[Livnlearn]

Hello Everyone,

Happy Easter again! I imagine you are all drowning in cheap chocolate, like we are??? Tell a lie, I did actually get given a box of nice handmade chocolates, but all of D's chcoclate eggs are pretty awful, chocolate wise. But I think I am a little bit of a chocolate snob.

Anyhow, our friend and her kids picked up D in the car on Thursday, to take them up to the house in the hills later. I left on my bicycle. It's about 36 kms (about 20 miles) but includes a climb of around 2,000 feet as well. The first hour was on the flat, and great! The second hour was climbing, and also OK. I was really happy to be on my bike again, doing some mileage! The third hour was HARD. I had forgotten to eat much beforehand and didn't have anything with me, only water! I hit the wall the last couple of kilometres of climbing. But I made it.

I was expecting to reach the house with them there, the heating on and food available. I could have eaten anything at that point. But the house was empty and locked.

It was cool and overcast and humid, and my sweat made me feel chilled. I hung around for an hour, then got tired of waiting and walked up the last kikometre or two to the town, up a steep road, to get some grub. I was rather slow up that last part!

Of course when I returned, feeling slightly humam, they told me they had arrived just minutes after I left!

Anyhow, we had a fun day - the kids played all day, I hid little chocolate ladybirds around the big garden and they hunted for them. I read a whole novel from end to end - what luxury! And we prepared and ate nice but simple food.

I rang H yesterday evening to arrange the handover of D. My friend had said she would drive her to the town near H for him to pick her up. While I was talking to him, I heard a female cough in the background. I was fairly certain it was OW2. She used to cough in the background all the time when she was with him. She seems to have a smoker's cough - lovely! But anyway, I tried to put it out of my mind, and NOT assume.

We left this morning in the car to drop her off. Along the way we had a flat and had to change the tyre. I tried to ring H at home to warn him we would be late. OW2 answered the phone, said H was not there. I put the phone down.

I managed to control my emotions. We met H in a bar and everyone had a drink - coffee or whatever, except me. Then my friend offered to take D and H down to his house as he had done some shopping. I decided to kill time in town and wait for their return, I did NOT want to run into OW2. H asked if I wanted anything to drink. I delclined. He looked quite happy, almost smug. I frankly felt a bit sick.

I said bye to D and by the time they returned and we got back to their house, I felt very emotional and had a little private cry before lunch.

It feels so bad handing over my (our) child to H, who I love and married, so he can take her off to his place with OW2. I know for a fact he only has one double bed at his place. So they will all sleep in it together.

I don't know where to turn anymore. Did I marry a man with SUCH different morals to mine? Is this scummy or what? Is she going to be a feature of my landscape forever?

More than what H has done to me, I hate what he does to me and our daughter. She is too young to think much of this is wrong. I am terrified she will grow up thinking this stuff is AOK. But her Dad does it, so what?

I cycled down to town and home after lunch. It was a lovely ride (much of it in the mountain mist), but I felt very emotional amd my eyes streamed.

I just had a hot bath and feel better. Now what?

To think I was actually thinking of asking H to come down and look after D for the three evenings when I have that cooking job next week and the week after. I decided against it, even before knowing OW2 had turned up in the picture once again.

H makes my flesh crawl now. That man doesn't have an emotional brain. He only knows what 'he wants'. And he will have it.

I can't do that puke picture very well, without that curly thing, only this -

--**

Livnlearn

[Dmsw4]

I'm puking right along with you. H and OW have spent a lovely week in Florida and I am just sick thinking about his return "before Easter." It's coming down to the wire and I just want to get out of here!

[Livnlearn]

I just enjoyed a few hand made chocolates and have made myself a cup of tea.

I really need to sort out the two strands of the OW2 and sleeping arrangements issue.

Forget being hurt by H and jealous that he has OW2 to stay, when he could have his family together over Easter. (Now I know why he grandly ignored my email suggestion to stay here a couple of days.)

I am beginning to think he really does not deserve me, he really doesn't. I don't want such a man in my life full time - one who is so far gone. Sorry.

The issue is more about D and what her Dad thinks is OK for her. I think I need to speak to her about stuff. But I don't want her to be piggy in the middle either.

How does one play fair when one's opponent doesn't play fair? My hand is tied behind my back, as far as not dragging D into our quarrel.

Where do I draw the line between not interferring in H's life and protecting my D from this shoddy situation? He is behaving like a dog.

Any suggestions?

I have it in mind to email OW2 and ask her if she doesn't have any self respect? I couldn't imagine going out with a guy and sleeping in is bed with his young daughter there too. Just too creepy.

Livnlearn