I am just emailing back and forth with my good friend, and her emails are ice cold.
Oh well, I only need to alienate my daughter and sister, and that will be it.
But the God's honest truth is, that since I experienced the bomb two years ago, this friend has not been there for me as much as I was there for her when she dropped the bomb on her H two years before that. And she was pretty needy then, I can tell you. She has hardly been over to my house in the past two years, despite invitations.
She can be quite cold. And Moody. And she has that whiff of martyrdom, which I so hate. If she doesn't want to do something, she always comes up with the excuse, "But I've got to work!" said in a very self righteous way. Even when I know it is because she doesn't wish to do something. I know she has to work hard as she gets no support from her H, but it has become a convenient blanket behind which to hide.
This reminds me of my H. When we had only one computer between us at home, he used it to work on during the day. But he only worked a certain number of hours, the rest of the time he chatted with friends on forums, checked his email, looked at websites, used the programmes for his personal work, played a couple of games that we used to have etc. Any time I would ask to use it just to check my email or something, he would say, not now, I have to work! (Same tone of self-righteousness!)
At the end of the day, after dinner, when D was in bed, he would finally get off the computer and I would have a turn on it to catch up with email and other stuff. At this point he would settle down to watch a film on video (one that he had chosen from the rental place and that was seldom the kind of thing I liked to watch) and ask me to join him on the sofa. Often I declined, as I preferred to have some time on the computer.
Then H told me that I never did anything with him. (Translated to I NEVER watched HIS choice of film with him, I was ALWAYS on the computer!)
I question how much of a friend I am really losing?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Wow, you have taken the giant bungee leap off the cliff, haven't you? You seem to have a good handle on what you need to do to start living life for you and your D, and it's looking like you are happier with this notion.
I don't know about you, but every so often I go through a period of analyzing the souls in my inner circle--figuring out who is a friend (and what that means, because my definition seems to evolve as I get older) and who is an acquaintance and who is neither. I used to feel bad about it, but no longer do. Because the fact is, we've often outgrown each other and it's time to have less expectations of others and time to fill my calendar with people who bring me gifts and lessons (and vice versa).
Have you seen this piece before?
People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed . They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally , or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up h! as been answered, and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
I've received it a few times over the past few years, and have learned to embrace this concept. I've found it to be very true.
Be careful when going back and doing the post mortem on your M. I've found firsthand that if I spend any more time on it than I need to, it's a resentment builder. Touch on it to learn and establish newer and healthier boundaries, but give yourself some slack for choosing to love him the way he is/was and for wanting to keep your family together for your D. It's okay to feel all the things you are feeling as you do this, just make sure you don't let it sit too long. KWIM?
Now, time to get busy doing things that you want to do and that make you happy, and watching all the movies that you want to watch too!
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi LNL. No advice. I can relate though. I went out with a friend on Friday. Her idea of support was telling me not to tell people that H cheated on me because it makes me look bad. She also implied that she could not understand why I was getting divorced. He only cheated twice and talked to the second OW on the phone. Needless to say, I was furious. His cheating and lying, makes ME look bad?
She also informed me that she thinks most men cheat (she is not and has never been married) and that if you want to be married you have to put up with it. I felt like I was having dinner with the female version of H.
That is the last time I will go out with her. I need positive, supportive people in my life. I spent years with H insulting me and making me feel stupid. I don't need another person like that when I am finally getting out of that environment.
Anyway, I can relate. I was not expecting to have to divorce a friend as well.
Wow, you have taken the giant bungee leap off the cliff, haven't you?
That's a good way of putting it, Betsey.
You seem to have a good handle on what you need to do to start living life for you and your D, and it's looking like you are happier with this notion.
Well yes, in between the crying bouts! I guess I really am mourning the death of my marriage, and kicking myself for getting involved with a dead beat husband.
I don't know about you, but every so often I go through a period of analyzing the souls in my inner circle--figuring out who is a friend (and what that means, because my definition seems to evolve as I get older) and who is an acquaintance and who is neither. I used to feel bad about it, but no longer do. Because the fact is, we've often outgrown each other and it's time to have less expectations of others and time to fill my calendar with people who bring me gifts and lessons (and vice versa).
Yes, there was a time when I wanted to keep any friend I ever made, but as you travel through life, you realise that you can't keep them all for ever. For many reasons.
I still keep in touch by email (visits once every few years) with friends I had as a child, and they live in other continents around the world.
Today my friend and I exchanged further emails. I detect a slight thaw. The thing is, I have not really accused her of anything awful, more like told her of my feelings of hurt. But she is on her high horse at the moment. I will allow her some time up there.
Have you seen this piece before?
Yup.
Be careful when going back and doing the post mortem on your M. I've found firsthand that if I spend any more time on it than I need to, it's a resentment builder. Touch on it to learn and establish newer and healthier boundaries, but give yourself some slack for choosing to love him the way he is/was and for wanting to keep your family together for your D. It's okay to feel all the things you are feeling as you do this, just make sure you don't let it sit too long.
You are absolutely right about this. It is a temptation to go over and over the same ground.
KWIM?
Which means?????
Now, time to get busy doing things that you want to do and that make you happy, and watching all the movies that you want to watch too!
Yes, this is ONE positive aspect of being on my own! But this week, when I have turned off the computer thinking I would watch a film, I have wound up going to bed early instead, only to wake up early too, to think and fret!
Hugs!
Thanks, I can do with all the hugs I can get right now!
Betsey
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
You know, it is only when it comes to the crunch, when there is a need, that we find out who our friends (and faithful spouses) are, indeed.
I have also had someone come over shortly afer the bomb to hear all the gory details (and pass on some tidbits about what H had said to her) before she had lost interest. Not a single invite in the last two years, although she did say she was sorry she hadn't been there for me! Good thing I had already sussed out she was no friend of mine, so I had no expectations!
Moving Forward, if it is any consolation, you don't have kids with your H, so you don't have to be continually dragged back into the mess for ever after.
I hope you feel you have lots of potential for meeting someone really worthwhile to build a life together with.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Good! Let her be a martyr without an audience because you have a lot more going on in your life right now anyway, right?
Quote: But this week, when I have turned off the computer thinking I would watch a film, I have wound up going to bed early instead, only to wake up early too, to think and fret!
I have that problem too. I don't feel too stressed most of my day, so I'm often dismayed when this happens--as mothers, don't we deserve every second of slumber? My friends are pretty much older than I am, and I have the benefit of their wisdom. I was lamenting this very issue a few months ago when my good friend (10 years older than I am) commented, "Bets, you do realize that a change in sleeping patterns and behaviors is a symptom of menopause?" Uh, no, I didn't. I'm religiously taking an herbal remedy for this, and it's improved drastically.
I think we're the same age or thereabouts? I've clinched the process with blood work, but if you haven't, it's something I attributed to my circumstances and not my phsyiology. And I underestimated the power of both... I'm also finding it hard to read longer than 10 minutes or watch TV longer than 5 before falling asleep. Only to wake up at 3:00 am. YUCK!
KWIM=Know What I Mean? I'm sometimes too lazy to type... Sorry!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I really don't think in my case it is anything more than being keyed up that prevents me from sleeping. I am normally a very sound sleeper. It is only when my brain is working overtime and I'm strung out emotionally that I don't sleep well.
At least, that is what I am telling myself!
About friend on high horse, if there is one thing I have learned from all this, it is not to pick at a sore spot. I will let things ride a little, tomorrow we are going to see a film together, D is coming along too. I have said my bit, she is free to digest it at her pace and do whatever needs to be done. I will continue to be her friend.
But the fact that I am all emotionally wobbly has led to a couple of outbursts with D this evening. We went to a large supermarket so she could pick out an Easter Egg. She chooses one of the most expensive ones, because it has the colours of a certain football team, that she is suddenly into these last two weeks(!) I start on at her, about choosing the most expensive one, and start on one of my "you always....." rants. Even as I am doing it, I realize what a hideous old bag I am being. If you take a kid to a store and say, choose, don't rant about their choice! And I realise that at back of this is my fear of not having enough money.
So I put on the brakes, told D it would be fine. She looked slightly puzzled by this change in response.
But again at dinner I exploded over some silly thing. That is always the warning sign for me that I am feeling under too much pressure, when I react unreasonably harshly with D over small things.
Anyhow, I am meeting H for the bank stuff tomorrow. Going to gear myself up to being bright and breezy and calm and firm about everything.
Wish me luck!
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
But first we had a coffee together for five minutes. He asked me what I thought of Dogville. I told him. He said, of course Van Thiers (the director) is a moralist (and H "hates" moralists)
He said he liked the speech at the end by Rose's father, about arrogance. Then he said, well, I'm the one to talk!
I gave him a couple of items of his post that had arrived here in the last few days. I asked him to please have the address at the bank changed to his current address. He looked at me with great hatred, and said, I still own half of that house and I don't see why my post shouldn't go there. I said, seeing as you haven't lived here for the last two years, better to have your post going to your place, don't you think?
H says, my stuff never reaches me (he is referring to a package that was not delivered). I said, plenty of stuff hasn't reached me over the years, at various addresses, it is the fault of the sometimes crappy postal system in this country, not the address you live at.
I had to remined him in the bank again to change the address. He said, just throw my post in the bin.
I said, if you are not that worried what happens to your post, then it is not things going astray that you are worried about, obviously. I am sorry, I don't want to have to deal with your post. I asked the bank clerk to please change the address, which he did.
H says, I don't even have a key to the house I bought!
He said, you sent me up books (with D last visit) that I don't even have a use for. You are just being a bitch!
I replied, you have chosen not to live with me, so you can take your stuff up to where you live.
There was a lot I could have said there, but I didn't.
We took my name off of our joint account. H said, a joint account is supposed to be one where you BOTH put money in. (A jibe at my "not working".) I said, there are no rules to govern that aspect. He said, of course there aren't, with heavy sarcasm.
He set up the standing order to me. I returned the joint account card. Told him to sign the back as it was a security risk otherwise. He put it straight in his pocket, unsigned. (What's the betting that it gets stolen or mislaid and someone gets money out on it with THEIR signature? Remember, H loses things all the time.)
At the end, he turned his back on me and walked away. He stopped a few steps away and said to me, well Livnlearn, now you have everything, well done!
The MOMENT I stick up for myself at all, H gets nasty and mean. As long as I am pliant, he walks all over me. Takes what he needs, and forgets me the rest of the time.
I definitely need to stick to my boundaries very diligently. How can I show unconditional love to this man in this situation? Any ideas?
I am certainly not going to do any pursuing, inviting or chitchat (initiated from my side) right now.
I really don't bear him any ill will, but I have to stop being his punch bag for all the anger and rage and frustration he feels. It is not easy.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL - I'm sorry you have had such a rough morning with H - he really does not seem to be a happy bunny, does he? Some of the dynamics here remind me of the challenges I have with NG.
Quote: I gave him a couple of items of his post that had arrived here in the last few days. I asked him to please have the address at the bank changed to his current address. He looked at me with great hatred, and said, I still own half of that house and I don't see why my post shouldn't go there.
Sweetie, it does sound like you set yourself up for that retort I see two options in this situation. Let the post come as it does, and let him pick it up when he remembers. No, it is not your responsibility to carry it to him, or be accountable if something goes amiss. Or, if you really feel strongly about his post not coming to your home, then just return to sender, or as he suggested, put it in the bin.
This reminds me of the issues NG and I used to have over his laundry. The guy is a lovable slob, and I used to enjoy being the martyr, picking up after him, and sometimes, feeling resentful that he is not pulling his weight around the place, yada yada yada. And the arguments over why he does not go to the dry cleaners, him hollering to ask me where his socks, vest, etc was. Well, a few months ago I decided that is not a job I want anymore. so we now have a mountain of his panst, shirts on the bench in the changing room. If his laundry is put in the basket, I'll load it in the wash, and the cleaner will iron it. Otherwise, his clothes stay where they are. We no longer argue about laundry, I'm happy, and he is less than immaculate, but apparently happy too Choosing my battles has been one of the most important learnings...
I know what you mean about them getting nasty when we stick up for ourselves. I guess in my case, I found there are different, more subtle but nevertheless determined ways in which I can define my boundaries. Smiling while I do it seems to go down better with NG
But what prevents H from changing his address to where he is living now? We are standing in the bank, it needs him to tell the clerk his present address, and hey presto, it is done! And I am a bitch?
See, with the post coming here, I am anyway still a bitch. I have to run after his post. Once they delivered a note to say a letter was not deliverbale - it needed a signature and there was no one home. Then you have to go pick it up at the PO. H said he couldn't do that, could I do it? I land up running around for him, a year after he leaves me and shacks up with TWO OW? Why should I? And if I say no, I am a bitch.
It also allows him to saunter into the house any time (when he comes to pick up D for instance) to 'check on his post' and 'stuff'. Guess who has to accommodate his stuff and dust it? He wants to have free run of THIS place, while I have only seen his place for a few hours, nearly two years after he moved out.
Slowly, this is a pattern of his, every house he has moved out of (and he has moved around a lot in his time, before we got married) he always left behind stuff and junk for whoever else to sort out. Now he is doing that to me. Go over to Creed's thread in MLC and see how it is for her too. Twenty years of family life and its accumulations, and it is grandly left for the LBS to keep clean, clear up dispose of or otherwise worry about.
He really seems to want me on standby mode for ever. He hasn't seen clearly how with him living his life in the way he chooses, with women he chooses, where he chooses, I am not going to stand still for him and be there for the occasions when he needs a berth or a punching bag for his emotions. He doens't give a sh*t about me in between.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates