I too have a H who now says after all these years that this is HIS money since he's the only one who brings any in. This after I worked full time like a dog and had 2 babies while he attended medical school. OUR plan was always that when he finished residency, I would quit my job and be a SAHM. I was so reluctant to quit my job back then because I was so afraid he would say it's HIS money since I don't work. He ASSURED me over and over again that THAT would never happen. Well, now he claims he's changed his mind about me getting a job. WTF? I reminded him of the agony I went through when I actually went through with quitting my job and what he said about it then. All he could say is, I changed my mind. Whatever.
So I say to him, any job I could get now would bring in not very much money and you're saying that is what you want? Then he'll say, that's not enough money! Get a better job! So I'm pretty sure it's not just me getting a job thing that he's leaving over, but it is a huge issue. Money has NEVER been an issue in our marriage. I always paid the bills and he always had peace of mind that it was taken care of. Well not anymore! He pays the bills now and has his check direct deposited into his OWN acct and then transfers that amount of money to our joint acct to pay bills. Stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Anyway, just wanted you to know that your H is not the only butthead when it comes to getting a job.
EEEWWWW, burn that shirt. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. My stomach not only hurts for me but for you too! Not having a great day here either. Hang in there!
There is the raw fear of feeling I have been thrown to the dogs.
There's the confusuion of having the person who was supposed to be the protector and defender of this little family be the one who has menace in his voice when he talks about 'not wanting us to have to go to the lawyers again'...
When your (supposedly) closest ally turns into what looks like your enemy it sets your world akilter.
A friend of mine, many many years ago had a ba****d of a husband, who cheated on her in every way. One famous time he apparently said to her in some connection, "I didn't say 'I swear', I said 'I square'"!
I told this story to my H and we used to laugh about it.
But this is essentially what H is saying now. He's an "I square" man.
Marriage vows? I only said "I square"!
OW1 only a good friend? I square!
Was working, trying to make the marriage work... I square!
Even now, everything he does is to 'support you, I square!'
He stupidly and needlessly lent a substantial amount of money to someone years ago, and never saw a penny of it in return. He doesn't have the b***s to chase it up, as the guy is not the most stable (also split from his wife and didn't pay any money to her, promptly had another partner and baby, you get the picture) and works as an armed security guard.
I guess going after his 'ex-wife' is easier, when he is feeling the squeeze.
Yuck.
Livnlearn.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Thanks for the hug, Pam, and for your visit, Soccermom.
A funny thing happened today. I had been thinking hard all over the weekend, though I still managed to get a few chores done, LOL!
I think I am ready to let my M to H go.
I do not want to be caught up in his drama anymore.
I want us to be as separate as possible, so the dramas (no doubt over D visitation etc) will be kept to a minimum.
I need the space to take care of myself and think for myself.
I do not wish to be yanked around even one more day.
I will agree to paying 50% of the mortgage from next month, in return H will have to set up a standing order to pay me what is due on a regular basis, without my having to go and get it. I will remove my name from our joint account and return his card to him.
The last towhold he has to beat me up about money will be gone. Of course, I fully expect him to start up about the house, how I have the use of a great house while he has to live in a small place etc etc etc. Well, tough. The laws of this land award use of the family home to the mother with custody, until D is no more a minor and I will not be steamrollered out of here before I am ready. I have put in much effort and time to finding this house and getting it set up, stuff that H wouldn't do for a home or a family in a million years without someone else to do it for him. (Remember, his 'doing' only = making money.)
The reason I resisted the idea of joint custody so forcefully is that I never saw any evidence that H put any effort into being a father to D, more than just the fun things. And I still don't see any evidence of that.
Joint custody would have meant him paying less to me for D, him not pulling his weight in other parenting departments, and Livnlearn cleaning up the mess/taking up the slack in any case, as I usualy do.
I am not sure friendship can work between us, as I think H is a user at heart. I don't wish to be used.
Sure, I won't be unfriendly, but neither will I be particularly friendly. No invites right now.
I emailed him over the weekend (early Saturday), suggesting if he was coming down this week he could stay overnight here for a day or two, as D was upset about us not being together at Easter. We could do fun things with D for a day or two. I have not had a reply from him. Frankly, the way I feel now, it would not be a good idea anyway.
D was inquiring what I had planned over Easter, she said she didn't like leaving me down here. I told her not to worry, I would be fine, I had plans to go away and enjoy myself.
At this stage I am not really making enough to cover 50% of the mortgage, the utility bills and all my expenses as well, but finding a way to solve that is going to be more pleasant than having to deal with my H.
I looked at a whole lot of job ads this morning in town. The fact is there is nothing really that I can do. The few jobs I COULD do are either evening jobs, morning jobs or full time. Part time work is not much a feature in this country, but it would really suit me to work weekday mornings only. But I will continue to keep my eyes open.
Meanwhile, I need to get a move on with my personal work.
I cannot afford to waste another minute or day thinking about H and what he might be thinking or doing. Not another day.
I was re-reading Dr Laura's "10 Stupid Things that Women do" and it is a good kick in the pants.
Taking responsibility for myself is NUMBER 1 on my agenda.
Being in a good place myself allows me to be a decent parent to D.
Husbands and boyfriends don't even figure on my list of needs right now. Not really. Before I marrid H, I was NOT, repeat NOT, one of those women who always needed a guy to be around her. I didn't marry out of desperation, I was self supporting and did all kinds of things, was adventurous.
I would like to have saved my marriage, but I am going to shift my focus away from that right now.
I am going to fix myself.
Ok, so with this new feeling of determination, what should happen in town today?
I have dreaded bumping into OW 1 these last two years. At first I feared I might want to do something violent. I used to think if I ever came across her in the park, standing near the edge of the lake, I would happily have pushed her in!
Then I feared I would be so emotional that I would do something embarassing, or cry, or God knows what.
I have spotted her a couple of times from behind in the two years since the bomb.
But today, she was walking down the road towards me in a narrow street, on my side of the pavement. She looked a little different, sort of nervous and animated, walking as if she was in a hurry. She had on large and very dark shades.
I don't recall ever seeing OW 1 in dark glasses before. I have known her since my first year in this country, we were friends for ten years. Not only that, today is a dull overcast day!
I looked at her full in the eye (couldn't actually see her eyes behind the shades.) I was expressionless, but I looked at her straight. She sort of turned to look at me, then averted her eyes and sort of scuttled past.
Guess what? It felt good to have happened. I won't pretend that I have any good feelings about her at all. But I have gone past worrying about her or giving her any importance.
She didn't look like a happy person. If anything, she looked like a tradegy queen running to ruin.
And my heart didn't even thump with emotion.
But I sure am going to be a little choosier in the future about who I spend my time with.
That's all for now, folks!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I am SO proud of you. I am proud of you for putting a name to your fears, for plunging ahead with what is best for you and D, for not allowing H to "control" you. By control I mean letting his bad behavior, antics, and selfishness determine what you were or were not going to do. I for one was always afraid that upsetting H's applecart by somehow trying to ask him questions concerning $ or his plans for keeping the S's would somehow push us in the wrong direction, but I think now that I was just letting him take advantage of me.
I heard an excellent teaching once on the diff between being a peacemaker and a peacekeeper. I realized that I was totally guilty of being a peacekeeper, keeping the peace at all costs even when it was a false peace.
I think that your plan sounds extremely sensible. You can only change yourself as you are well aware. I know that the db protocol is to change relational dynamics by changing ourselves and the way that we relate to our significant others but I think that I was always guilty of thinking that in the overflow of doing that that there was something that I could do to change my H.
Now I am just sort of thinking that H is a hopeless case. I have not wanted to give up on him or our M, but I may have to to preserve my sanity and salvage some shred of self respect.
LNL I am so proud of you. I know its a hard decision to reach but there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying ENOUGH.
I have not wanted to say this but I see a lot of the same personality traits in your H as mine. The anger, trying to control everything, not seeming to really care. Trying to deal with someone like that is emotionally draining.
Be prepared to waiver. I've done it. Sometimes late at night I am overcome with wanting to try again to make it work but I realize that it is just fear of the unknown talking and not a real desire to reconcile. Every time that happens I remind myself of all of the horrible things he has done and I am right back to dumping his butt.
You are going to be OK. Actually you will be better than OK, you are going to be great.
I had emailed H early Saturday, not only suggesting staying down for a day or two, but also telling him of his landlord's plans of going up with a full car etc (no lift for D). I simply asked them about it when they picked up D on Saturday. He (H) just now 'didn't know their plans and still has to talk to them about it'. Folks, this is the kind of thing I lived with for years.
He didn't mention staying here either. I did ask whether he had received my email, he seemed vague. I described what was in it, he said, oh yeah, I got that one... So, he can't remember anything from one minute to the next.
And it is he who is pulling away from me. I did nothing to bring on this behaviour. But I am not up for being jerked around any more, thank you. I am glad I had that one visit to his place for a few hours, at least I have an idea of the geography of the place my D goes to stay at regularly.
So, H continues to tell me about his plan to pick up D. But first he of course has to ask when exactly are her holiday dates?
I told him I wish to have Saturday free to cycle up to the hills, so I'd like her picked up first thing on Saturday. He says he will get the early bus down and try to pick her up early, but he will confirm that after checking on the bus times tomorrow when he goes up to the nearby town.
Anyhow, then he says he needs to also come down one day this week for some bank work and other errands. At which point I tell him that I intend to pay 50% of the mortgage from the next payment.
And that I'd like to go to the bank with him to take my name off the joint account, give him his card back and get him to start up a standing order for my payments. And get them to change his address to where he lives now.
H says that it doesn't need him to go to the bank to get my name off. I said I think it does, and anyway, there is no harm, it will GET DONE at least.
Then H says, I don't understand why we need to make payments to each other. I say, that way we keep a track of what he pays me and what I pay towards the mortgage. He said it would be just simpler for him to pay me the amount less the mortgage I owe him. I say I would like it done this way, (so everything is clear and leaves a paper trail.) He says sarcastically, "Of course!"
So we agree we will meet up one day this week for the bank work. My LAST hurdle with H on the money front.
Then he spoke to D for a bit.
I think I am going to take a leaf out of Moving Forward's thread, originally advice from our faithful coach Ellie -
Be kind but FIRM!
I feel my heart hardening towards H. No ill will, just not willing to be victim material any more.
Livnlearn
PS I wrote my friend a long email on Friday. I explained my view of things. I thought I was fairly conciliatory and conceded a point or two. I explained why I felt hurt by her behaviour.
We had an OK convo on the Friday evening, talking about her weekend plans and our collaboration on this job thing we are doing together. No mention of my email.
I rang her again Sunday evening for a chat. She was monosyllabic throughout. She is a Moody Miss. I will see how this one plays out.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I agree with the 'kind but FIRM' statement. I will be practicing that in the future in my sitch too.
LnL, I am so impressed with you. Do you have a feeling of freedom, and 'lightness of being'? Do you feel you have finally taken control of your life? It's the way I feel at the moment. I have given up my victimhood, and taking control.
Hope the meeting at the bank goes well. Oh boy, these WAS's have no idea the kind of strong, courageous people they are giving up. Their loss, 'eh!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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