Cultivating Self Love

[Livnlearn]

Thanks for the hug, Pam, and for your visit, Soccermom.

A funny thing happened today. I had been thinking hard all over the weekend, though I still managed to get a few chores done, LOL!

I think I am ready to let my M to H go.

I do not want to be caught up in his drama anymore.

I want us to be as separate as possible, so the dramas (no doubt over D visitation etc) will be kept to a minimum.

I need the space to take care of myself and think for myself.

I do not wish to be yanked around even one more day.

I will agree to paying 50% of the mortgage from next month, in return H will have to set up a standing order to pay me what is due on a regular basis, without my having to go and get it. I will remove my name from our joint account and return his card to him.

The last towhold he has to beat me up about money will be gone. Of course, I fully expect him to start up about the house, how I have the use of a great house while he has to live in a small place etc etc etc. Well, tough. The laws of this land award use of the family home to the mother with custody, until D is no more a minor and I will not be steamrollered out of here before I am ready. I have put in much effort and time to finding this house and getting it set up, stuff that H wouldn't do for a home or a family in a million years without someone else to do it for him. (Remember, his 'doing' only = making money.)

The reason I resisted the idea of joint custody so forcefully is that I never saw any evidence that H put any effort into being a father to D, more than just the fun things. And I still don't see any evidence of that.

Joint custody would have meant him paying less to me for D, him not pulling his weight in other parenting departments, and Livnlearn cleaning up the mess/taking up the slack in any case, as I usualy do.

I am not sure friendship can work between us, as I think H is a user at heart. I don't wish to be used.

Sure, I won't be unfriendly, but neither will I be particularly friendly. No invites right now.

I emailed him over the weekend (early Saturday), suggesting if he was coming down this week he could stay overnight here for a day or two, as D was upset about us not being together at Easter. We could do fun things with D for a day or two. I have not had a reply from him. Frankly, the way I feel now, it would not be a good idea anyway.

D was inquiring what I had planned over Easter, she said she didn't like leaving me down here. I told her not to worry, I would be fine, I had plans to go away and enjoy myself.

At this stage I am not really making enough to cover 50% of the mortgage, the utility bills and all my expenses as well, but finding a way to solve that is going to be more pleasant than having to deal with my H.

I looked at a whole lot of job ads this morning in town. The fact is there is nothing really that I can do. The few jobs I COULD do are either evening jobs, morning jobs or full time. Part time work is not much a feature in this country, but it would really suit me to work weekday mornings only. But I will continue to keep my eyes open.

Meanwhile, I need to get a move on with my personal work.

I cannot afford to waste another minute or day thinking about H and what he might be thinking or doing. Not another day.

I was re-reading Dr Laura's "10 Stupid Things that Women do" and it is a good kick in the pants.

Taking responsibility for myself is NUMBER 1 on my agenda.

Being in a good place myself allows me to be a decent parent to D.

Husbands and boyfriends don't even figure on my list of needs right now. Not really. Before I marrid H, I was NOT, repeat NOT, one of those women who always needed a guy to be around her. I didn't marry out of desperation, I was self supporting and did all kinds of things, was adventurous.

I would like to have saved my marriage, but I am going to shift my focus away from that right now.

I am going to fix myself.



Ok, so with this new feeling of determination, what should happen in town today?

I have dreaded bumping into OW 1 these last two years. At first I feared I might want to do something violent. I used to think if I ever came across her in the park, standing near the edge of the lake, I would happily have pushed her in!

Then I feared I would be so emotional that I would do something embarassing, or cry, or God knows what.

I have spotted her a couple of times from behind in the two years since the bomb.

But today, she was walking down the road towards me in a narrow street, on my side of the pavement. She looked a little different, sort of nervous and animated, walking as if she was in a hurry. She had on large and very dark shades.

I don't recall ever seeing OW 1 in dark glasses before. I have known her since my first year in this country, we were friends for ten years. Not only that, today is a dull overcast day!

I looked at her full in the eye (couldn't actually see her eyes behind the shades.) I was expressionless, but I looked at her straight. She sort of turned to look at me, then averted her eyes and sort of scuttled past.

Guess what? It felt good to have happened. I won't pretend that I have any good feelings about her at all. But I have gone past worrying about her or giving her any importance.

She didn't look like a happy person. If anything, she looked like a tradegy queen running to ruin.

And my heart didn't even thump with emotion.

But I sure am going to be a little choosier in the future about who I spend my time with.

That's all for now, folks!

Livnlearn