H called on Friday evening to inform me the landlord would only be going up for the day on Saturday. Did I still want to send up D? I said, of course.
Then he spoke to D about it, and she started to cry a little with disappointment.
I spoke to H again and asked if he had asked the landlord about when they were going up for Easter and he said no.
I said, could you ask them tomorrow please, as I would like to have an idea when she will be up.
H said, if it comes to it, I could come down and fetch her. I said great, when? (Meaning which day?)
H got really angry and started to say, OK, at exactly 11.15 ... (in a very sarcastic way)
I said, I meant which day at least? (Thursday? Friday? Saturday?)
He just put the phone down.
He is calling ME avoidant?
I asked D why she was so sad, and she said she misses her Dad, but when she goes up she doens't like to leave me here. And there's no one up there. Why can't we all just be together?
Good question, D.
I mentioned the little daughter of w3, and she said, well, they live far away, and we don't go there all the time...
Quote: Ask yourself - are you responding more to the mortgage question, or to the walk with w3?
I'm annoyed that H seems to have forgotten all about his invite up to his place in March "when the weather is nice" which it is, at the same time he is having 'lovely' walks with w3. Not detached.
But I would be more detached if at least he would tell me when D is due to go up and I can make my plans in peace.
His phone call about the mortgage also upset me, because he said the usual stuff. He actually asked me how much I was paying. He doesn't know himself, even though it is paid directly into his bank account. His bank statements still come to my address here. When he comes down, he looks at his mail and only opens the 'interesting' envelopes, leaves his bank statements unopened. Then accuses me of knowing more about his financial affairs than he does of mine. And I don't even open his post any more, since we separated our finances!
It is true I don't tell him of my affairs, which I do to protect myself. If we are legally separated, so be it. I never kept secrets from him before, but I need to protect my interests now.
I am going to send up all his unopened mail with D today.
The reason I pay only 40% of the mortgage instead of 50% is because I am not making enough money.
H keeps haranguing me about getting a "proper job". I asked him why he didn't get one as well, if he is not getting much work?
He too is freelance, and wedded to the idea that he ONLY makes a certain amount, and can't make any more. Although his colleagues all seem to be able to make more than him. And he is the one who boasts that he does stuff so fast.
He has decided to work so much and not a bit more, I have to work and look after myself. He needs to be free to pursue his other career. He also needs to be free to go away for, say, eight months, to work on projects. I need to be the one who is tied down here looking after D, and with the full time 'proper' job that will not allow me to pursue any of MY personal work.
Since the bomb, when he was supporting me virtually 100% financially, I have scaled down what he pays in stages, according to my ability to pay for myself. Now there is only a small difference between what he pays and what he thinks he should pay.
I suppose his insistence that I pay it is somehow proof to me that he is NOT moving any closer to me, just getting himself in the position of having got shot of his responsibilities as a married man while enjoying my 'friendship' as convenient.
Once money from my mother's estate comes through, I might be able to make a few decisions which will make me more independent of H. It won't solve all my financial problems by any means, but it will help ease things a little.
I sometimes wonder, if I suddenly got a good, well paying job so that H didn't have to pay more than the very minimum, would his love for me suddenly bloom again? He has told me that the only thing he feels sorry for was that he wasn't 'harder' on me in the marriage, that is - forcing me to go out and work. At that stage, I think that my love for H would disappear, as I can think of kinder and more loving ways to 'get me to do things'. And it completely overlooks the fact that he was doing f**k all in other areas of the marriage, leaving me feeling like *I* was carrying the major share of the burden.
I have gone over and over this point in my mind - that my 'not working' killed his love for me, and I have come to the conclusion that it is a red herring. All over these boards are myriad reasons that our WAHs are supposed to have left, and when the woman was working full time AND looking after the many kids and home almost exclusively, the H turns around and says he felt 'neglected'.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
