Good thought, J - and hey, LNL, that IS the other interpretation here - that he'd like to spend more time - DRINKING - in your home???? Maybe you could get him drunk and take advantage of him?
He pays all D's expenses - I worked out what she on her own costs over the course of a year, plus 60% of the mortgage.
I pay 40% of the mortgage, the utility bills (madam D loves long long hot showers, and getting her out is always a stressful challenge!) and of course all 'my' stuff. We also split certain house tax bills.
H is not a man who works long hours. Just a couple of days ago he was telling me about going for a walk in the early afternnon with w3. The day before he had lunch at her place. Even now he bsoasts about how he finishes so much work in only so many hours.
He wants to work less, so pressures me to work more!
I would be happy to work more if the work came my way. The work that comes my way these days seems to be linked to inordinate amounts of stress.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
It doesn't make a difference going to bed at a 'reasonable' time, I just wake up earlier, to worry about stuff!
You know, I emailed H yesterday about -
1) Firming up times and dates over Easter (LESS than a week to go)
2) Passing on his message that the bank wanted to speak to him
And yesterday's call was the result. The usual triggers are him having to pin himself down, and money.
Do you remember I posted here way back that H wanted D the WHOLE of the Easter vacation, and I was slightly taken aback, but said OK? (Taken aback - partly because he didn't mention anything about my going up despite his earlier invites, and partly because he didn't ask me if it was OK, just told me what he wanted)
I STILL don't know when D is due to go up or come down.
On the phone, H mentioned coming down next week to go to the bank and to do other errands. I hope he doesn't ask to stay here. Maybe he can come down for the day and take D back up with him.
I need space from this man.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H rang just now to say he had just got in touch with the landlords, and they didn't know whether they were going up for the weekend or just for the day, tomorrow. H asked if I had plans, I said, yes, I have plans. He said they would let him know late this evening.
Folks, I feel REALLY tempted to draw a line in the sand very soon. I feel like packing up a couple of bags of H's stuff (there is still loads of his stuff here, he only took away stuff he wanted and needed, left the rest for me to deal with, then talks about the 'sh*t' here) to send up with D every time she goes up in the landlord's car. That way he would not have an excuse about not being able to take it. I have made a pile of his post, the stuff he doesn't bother to even look at much when he comes here.
BUT, I know many have said that quite often the WAS is close to thinking about coming back, but the LBS is impatient and does something that sets the whole thing back to square one and the WAS runs back into the tunnel.
See, H is pressuring me to pay more towards the mortgage, but hasn't lifted a finger around here for the last two years. He tells me I have the use of a great place (true) but I am the one working on it to improve it and make it nice to live in. His sh*t is still here. Why should it be?
I wish I knew what was on his mind. But I am becoming clearer what is on mine!
He just like he feels he shouldn't have to pay Livnlearn anything now that we are no longer married, why should I have to deal with his cr*p and his ever changing plans re: D and on and on?
But I am sitting on my hands, for now.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: BUT, I know many have said that quite often the WAS is close to thinking about coming back, but the LBS is impatient and does something that sets the whole thing back to square one and the WAS runs back into the tunnel.
Quote: But I am sitting on my hands, for now.
I think these are the pertinent parts of your post - and I think you know it.
Ask yourself - are you responding more to the mortgage question, or to the walk with w3?
Also next time he brings up the mortgage question - what would happen if you said something like "oh, dear, is your business really failing that badly?"
I guess either he'll puff up with "oh, no, I can afford it, I'm getting plenty of work" - and maybe decide to pay it rather than lose face - or, he'll confess how terrible his money problems are.
Now - here's a thought - why not tell H that you ARE going out of town for the Easter break, and since he can't arrange a ride up for D, he needs to come down and stay with her at the house because you will be GONE. I know - you don't like the idea of him staying there - BUT - staying there while you are out having a great time with friends - and leaving some clues about a "mystery man" around the house - might piques his interest AND get him away from w3.
Quote: Now - here's a thought - why not tell H that you ARE going out of town for the Easter break, and since he can't arrange a ride up for D, he needs to come down and stay with her at the house because you will be GONE. I know - you don't like the idea of him staying there - BUT - staying there while you are out having a great time with friends - and leaving some clues about a "mystery man" around the house - might piques his interest AND get him away from w3.
I think you are getting mixed up and I didn't make it clear. D is due to go up for this weekend. Then again over Easter, which runs from next Thursday till the following Tuesday. To date I don't know the dates she will be up over Easter. And I still don't know whether she is going up for the day or the weekend tomorrow.
I was frankly looking forward to time off. Maybe going out on Saturday evening, you know?
I don't want to have H down here with D while I am away. I could NOT stomach him seeing OW1 with D, or having her over here. Seeing as he hasn't ever apologised for having OW2 over here depsite my express wish against it, I don't think H 'gets it' yet. It is a mere inconsequential detail to him, nothing more. He won't do/not do anything that inconveniences him.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H called on Friday evening to inform me the landlord would only be going up for the day on Saturday. Did I still want to send up D? I said, of course.
Then he spoke to D about it, and she started to cry a little with disappointment.
I spoke to H again and asked if he had asked the landlord about when they were going up for Easter and he said no.
I said, could you ask them tomorrow please, as I would like to have an idea when she will be up.
H said, if it comes to it, I could come down and fetch her. I said great, when? (Meaning which day?)
H got really angry and started to say, OK, at exactly 11.15 ... (in a very sarcastic way)
I said, I meant which day at least? (Thursday? Friday? Saturday?)
He just put the phone down.
He is calling ME avoidant?
I asked D why she was so sad, and she said she misses her Dad, but when she goes up she doens't like to leave me here. And there's no one up there. Why can't we all just be together?
Good question, D.
I mentioned the little daughter of w3, and she said, well, they live far away, and we don't go there all the time...
Quote: Ask yourself - are you responding more to the mortgage question, or to the walk with w3?
I'm annoyed that H seems to have forgotten all about his invite up to his place in March "when the weather is nice" which it is, at the same time he is having 'lovely' walks with w3. Not detached.
But I would be more detached if at least he would tell me when D is due to go up and I can make my plans in peace.
His phone call about the mortgage also upset me, because he said the usual stuff. He actually asked me how much I was paying. He doesn't know himself, even though it is paid directly into his bank account. His bank statements still come to my address here. When he comes down, he looks at his mail and only opens the 'interesting' envelopes, leaves his bank statements unopened. Then accuses me of knowing more about his financial affairs than he does of mine. And I don't even open his post any more, since we separated our finances!
It is true I don't tell him of my affairs, which I do to protect myself. If we are legally separated, so be it. I never kept secrets from him before, but I need to protect my interests now.
I am going to send up all his unopened mail with D today.
The reason I pay only 40% of the mortgage instead of 50% is because I am not making enough money.
H keeps haranguing me about getting a "proper job". I asked him why he didn't get one as well, if he is not getting much work?
He too is freelance, and wedded to the idea that he ONLY makes a certain amount, and can't make any more. Although his colleagues all seem to be able to make more than him. And he is the one who boasts that he does stuff so fast.
He has decided to work so much and not a bit more, I have to work and look after myself. He needs to be free to pursue his other career. He also needs to be free to go away for, say, eight months, to work on projects. I need to be the one who is tied down here looking after D, and with the full time 'proper' job that will not allow me to pursue any of MY personal work.
Since the bomb, when he was supporting me virtually 100% financially, I have scaled down what he pays in stages, according to my ability to pay for myself. Now there is only a small difference between what he pays and what he thinks he should pay.
I suppose his insistence that I pay it is somehow proof to me that he is NOT moving any closer to me, just getting himself in the position of having got shot of his responsibilities as a married man while enjoying my 'friendship' as convenient.
Once money from my mother's estate comes through, I might be able to make a few decisions which will make me more independent of H. It won't solve all my financial problems by any means, but it will help ease things a little.
I sometimes wonder, if I suddenly got a good, well paying job so that H didn't have to pay more than the very minimum, would his love for me suddenly bloom again? He has told me that the only thing he feels sorry for was that he wasn't 'harder' on me in the marriage, that is - forcing me to go out and work. At that stage, I think that my love for H would disappear, as I can think of kinder and more loving ways to 'get me to do things'. And it completely overlooks the fact that he was doing f**k all in other areas of the marriage, leaving me feeling like *I* was carrying the major share of the burden.
I have gone over and over this point in my mind - that my 'not working' killed his love for me, and I have come to the conclusion that it is a red herring. All over these boards are myriad reasons that our WAHs are supposed to have left, and when the woman was working full time AND looking after the many kids and home almost exclusively, the H turns around and says he felt 'neglected'.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I can totally empathize with you regarding the issue of our H's spending time with the kids and making plans to do so, so that we can make our plans.
Quote: H said, if it comes to it, I could come down and fetch her. I said great, when? (Meaning which day?)
H got really angry and started to say, OK, at exactly 11.15 ... (in a very sarcastic way)
I said, I meant which day at least? (Thursday? Friday? Saturday?)
He just put the phone down.
He is calling ME avoidant?
I struggle with this in a big way. My H wants to spend time with the boys, but he NEVER wants to decide this ahead of time. His idea of notice is to call at 4:30 on Friday and say that he is on the way to pick them up. Sometimes he has them two weekends in a row, sometimes 3 weeks will go by w/o him keeping them overnight.
ANY attempt, and I do mean Any attempt on my part ends up in a fight, with him saying that I am too rigid, that he likes to just take life as it comes, enjoy his freedom, etc.
It is nauseating, but I think it is sort of like a power thing now, because if I do say something it is like I run the risk of him deciding not to take them at all just because he wants to tick me off.
I don't like the situation at all, but I can't seem to summon up the energy to do anything about it. I also have to be flexible because H travels frequently and is gone over the weekends sometimes. So basically he gets the boys when he wants them, when he decides he wants them. It is a heck of a way to live.
This morning I am taking them to go camping with the boys scouts, they wont be back until noon tomorrow. Since this event has been on the calendar for a while I was actually able to make plans for once. I have a friend coming over for dinner.
Maybe you could get him drunk and take advantage of him? 
