H rang this evening to speak to D. I picked up the phone. H talked about the lovely walk he had with w3 and her dog, up the hill behind his house. He has mentioned that this woman never walks anywhere, and once she walked the 2 kilometers to his house from hers and was proud of herself for it.
It is hard not to put together the facts - no invite from H this month although in January he talked about me going up for a weekend in March when the weather is nicer (the weather is nice), his cleaning the flat, having w3 over to go for a walk with, he ate lunch at her place on Monday..... and NOT come up with the fact that H harbours designs on this woman. She is about ten years yonger, attractive and blond. And is the nearest person living to his place, full time!
H tells me all this stuff himself. He rings to tell me this stuff.
What I am to think?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
but reading about your dream story reminded me that I had a dream last night. It was a nightmare for me but when I told my children they found it funny. Perhaps you'll find it funny too.
I dreamt that my h returned home. Needless to say this was a major shock and we were working very very hard at making things work! My d19 said wow mum that was a bad nightmare. I said oh noooo that wasn't the nightmare bit. The fact that my son 16 moved in with OW was the nightmare bit! My children all just rolled around laughing at that bit. I think this dream shows where our fears really do lie.
Thanks for dropping by my thread by the way....I did reply to you on there also.
Insomnia is keeping me up in the wee hours, and no prizes for guessing what is contributing to that. I have had a stressful week all round - starting with getting bad news from someone in my country of origin - his grown up son was invovled in a bad accident and may lose his hand... I tried ringing them yesterday but they were not at home.
I allowed myself to get roped in to that job I was not keen to get invovled in after the woman virtually pleaded with me to, yet now she is finding fault in everything I suggest and driving me absolutely nuts! I haven't felt moved to get in touch with my friend as I still have to process some of those negative feelings about her. And then H rings and tells me all about his lovely time with w3.
Pam, w3 I explained about in a post some months ago. She is a woman who used to be the girlfriend of a friend of ours about ten years ago. She turned up living close to H in the hills last year. She has a kid of about four, and a boyfriend who is not the father. The boyfriend lives in the city and comes up regularly. I started seeing red flags with some of the things H said about this woman. I voiced my fears that she would turn out to be OW3 at some point down the road.
The trouble with telling H all about my lovely walk with male friend is that D knows this guy and will no doubt inform H that he is much older and not attractive in any way, not likely to be a romantic interest, as I have made very clear. But, even in that regard, I think I am getting into hot water. Older guy phoned the other day and offered to buy D a new bike (I have to get one for her as she has outgrown hers). I declined.
I just want to crawl under a blanket and sleep for a long time, but even sleep doesn't come, after going to bed early to catch up on it.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Don't you hate that insomnia? I always (ALWAYS) slept like a log - until the last few years. But honestly, I don't know that i can blame it on H (or D14) - because in my case, there's a clear hormone connection. But when it happens - I find my brain going around and around, worrying about little things, unable to shut off.
I find the only thing that helps (since I can't turn on my bedside lamp and read - that would wake H up_) is to go out to the living room and watch TV. Bad TV will usually put me to sleep within an hour or so.
Don't worry too much about w3. You have no control over that. I do still see some positive signs with your H - but it might be time to step up the mystery, maybe invent a guy you are seeing when H takes D?
After some other chit chat stuff, he talked about mortgage payments. I pay about 40% and he 60%. He wants it to be 50%-50%. I would like that to be the case, if only to FINALLY get him OFF MY BACK, but my finances have been wobbly the last few months. He started up about - when I was going to pay my full amount?
I told him it was NOT a good time to talk about stuff like that, I didn't have any figures at my finger tips, it was NOT a good moment for me as I had other precoccupations on the brain, but he hammered away at it, brought up some of the alien speak - I am avoidant, I always get to make all the decisions etc etc etc. THE RICH F****ing irony of that!!!
I slightly lost it at that point. Had a bit of a rant, then told him it was NOT, repeat NOT a good time to talk about stuff like that. I pointed out how avoidant he was when it came to things like pinning himself down to dates when he would have D (he claimed he NEVER said he wanted her for the whole Easter break ) just part of it. Talk about backtracking and lies!! I sometimes think we should restrict ourselves to emails only, so that I have written/printed proof of everything that passes between us. Back to the bad old days of being adversaries.
This all came up because his bank rang here and asked him to get in touch. I very kindly took down the message and number and told him about it by email. I did manage to ask him WHEN WHEN WHEN he was going to tell his bank that he doesn't live here any more? For nearly two years now. I didn't get an answer to that.
When *I* have money problems, I have not ONCE gone to H to tell him about them, I have just worried to myself, tried to figure out stuff by myself. But he dumps all his stuff on me, EVERY TIME.
He refers to paying ME money, like it has nothing to do with his daughter, who lives here and is taken care of my me virtually 95% of the time, even on HIS visits here, when I cook and clean and all the rest, for them both.
The last visit, he had the nerve to go to my cupboard, look at the bottles of wine and one of another aperitif - all quite modestly priced items, and tell me I could always get in some nice whisky for him. The expensive stuff, which I don't even drink. How bl***y cheeky is that?
This man doesn't look at ALL like he is moving closer to me. He just needs a place to stay in town, a comfy berth once in a while. Someone to listen to when HE needs it.
Boy am I angry.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I cannot claim any special wisdom on marriages or dbing, but I have to confess that when I came back to the board last week and read your thread the following quote of yours from today is exactly what I thought to myself.
Quote: This man doesn't look at ALL like he is moving closer to me. He just needs a place to stay in town, a comfy berth once in a while. Someone to listen to when HE needs it.
Boy am I angry.
In my heart I was rather bummed out as I was thinking that he is really still taking advantage of LnL (although whether he is doing it consciously or unconsciously is a whole different story).
These are all the classic signs of a man who is still deeply in the midst of an MLC. Any progress that you might think you see may only be a coincidence, not him actually moving closer. It stinks, doesn't it?
Does he really expect you to run out and buy that bottle of liquor just to make his stays there more pleasant? The me-me-me of these guys is a little overwhelming.
My purpose is not to rain on your parade, I don't want to see you give up hope, but I don't want to see you entertaining false hope and looking for positive "signs" when it looks like the only person your H truly cares about right now is himself.
My days also fluctuate between being ready to give up on H and then recognizing that he really is just a sad, self involved pathetic specimen of a man right now.
Maybe we need to take a deep breath and just realize that we are in this for the long term although the short term looks a bit crappy right now.
To continue the 'creating mystery' thing from Pamila's thread, I feel right now that if any INTERESTING males showed up my way I might be quite happy to check them out for real, and to H*ll with H. He's out there busy playing the field and then sobbing to me about stuff.
Enough.
Livnlearn.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
LNL - does he pay child support on top of the 60% mortgage? Or is he leaving all the other expenses to you?
Might it be time to visit an attorney, just to see what you might get in a divorce? Then you would be in a position to know what is reasonable and what is not.
And is the nearest person living to his place, full time!
)
I think this dream shows where our fears really do lie.
