Hello again

Yesterday and last night were not so good. I had a falling out with my good friend, and we have sort of made up. But I had been feeling increasingly unhappy about things between us. I do not feel much empathy from her. At one point I referred to H, and she immediately launched into "but he's NOT your H anymore!" Well, seeing as she dumped her H and is officially in the same position as me, being legally separated, she DOES not get it, with me and my attitude to H and my M. I didn't endeavour to explain, as I have come to realise that she isn't someone I can share this with. We are too different. We both hail from the same country of origin and are like family to each other, but intellectually/emotionally we are miles apart. I don't mean higher/lower, but our ways of thinking are just not similar.

I can't go into all the ins and outs of what happened, but she had already sensed some withdrawal from me and commented on it. I told her it was nothing specific, I just don't share much personal stuff with her, as I don't with my sister. That just leaves you guys on the board here.

'Tis a lonely place to be, in some ways (I don't mean the board. )

Then I went with another friend to a big out of town superstore for some retail therapy - all household stuff. While I enjoyed the time out and thinking about ways to make our house more homely, I felt depressed coming back. I am spending money on the house, while I don't know if long term I should remain in this country at all. Then my friend, who is a visiting nurse, told me about a man she sees who had a serious accident and who will probably not walk/work again, he has a wfie and kids to support, they are immigrants to this country, and are having a very rough time financially. It set me thinking about how precariously I am positioned being here without H part of our family.

I got to thinking how even before all this happened, I used to fear if something really bad happened to me, that H might not be there for me. Do I want someone like THAT back in my life? Is it just wishful thinking that H will EVER come to terms with the responsibilities in his life? If he already sees himself as having given too much, what hope is there for a more giving H? Who wants someone who is working on developing their cruel side???

I am also tired of the one sided nature of all my interactions with H. It's all about H. What he is working on, what he has bought, what he thinks about A, B and C etc. He doesn't express much interest in me and my life, except for wanting my feedback on his work.

No, I am not goig to just blow up all of my hard work, I will still treat H as a friend, but perhaps not be quite as available. I can aleady sense some pulling back from him in the past few weeks. The eye contact is direct, but he's not really seeing Livnlearn. He is back to talking exclusively about wanting to speak to/see D, not me. Next weekend he is having D up, and over Easter he wants her up etc. He has forgotten about having me up for more than a few hours, is seems. Fair enough.

Last night I woke up and worried about every aspect of my life. Mostly about money, security and my relationship with H. I guess I just have to plug on.

Livnlearn

PS Can you believe this? Even as I was checking this post for typos, I received a letter by registered post from my country of origin, from someone dear to me. His only child, who is married with three kids (so he is the bread-winner for six people in total) was just run over by a truck and may lose his hand.

And then H rang, sounding all chirpy, thanking me for sending up the stuff from his parcel with his landlord. I told him about the accident, and he sounded sorry. Then he rang agin, telling me to read something on a news website, that he thought I should know about.

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates