I have decided I need to work on myself regarding self-esteem, boundaries, and loving myself.
Something that came out of my H's mouth yesterday was "I've learned to be cruel, but not cruel enough". Although it was said in response to D's teasing question, "Daddy, why are you so cruel?" while they were horsing around, I could hear the steel in his voice and knew it was something meant both on the superficial level and a deeper level. Not so long ago he stated that his biggest change through all of this was that he had become crueller. And seemed proud of it. (I know he has the typical WAS attitude that he was the only one who gave, throughout the marriage.)
He also recently said once again that his father was a b*****d. (I can understand that.)
I myself don't want to cultivate cruelty. I want to cultivate something that might seem related to that - strength and self love.
I want to distinguish between being compassionate and being a doormat. And not only in my R with H.
I recently had a lightbulb moment. Having been a freelance worker much of my life, I have been walked over often enough. Something came up this week and I reacted badly (when talking to my friend about it). Basically I was being pushed around and instead of standing firm and stating my terms, I whined, then let fly. Then I realised how pointless that was, and instead contacted the person involved and stated my terms clearly, without apology or agressiveness. Now it is up to them to reply whether they wish to engage my services or not. So far I haven't heard from them, but I feel MUCH better having decided I DO in fact have boundaries, which *I* lay down, not others!
I have learnt a lesson here. Being firm and compassionate both come from strength, not weakness. Cruelty and aggression, on the other hand, come from fear.
I have quite an aggressive personality, coupled with a need to please - not a winning combintation.
I've got to stop being aggressive (fearful) and start being more clear and firm about my boundaries, while being compassionate.
My H phoned yesterday morning and said he was arriving back in town last evening, (a day early) and could he stay one night and then return up to his place this morning? I said, OK.
He arrived, and when offered some supper, he said, on no thanks. And then a little later he ate most of it up. What is it with him, that he HAS to refuse the first time?
Then he told me ALL about his meeting and what came out of it. He was quite pleased with the reaction to his work and ideas of his friend, but no money yet. He admitted he had been very keyed up and pessimistic prior to his trip.
Then he pulled out a couple of DVDs to show me stuff which he thought was the best thing he had seen in a very long time. He wanted to know what I thought of it. I was frankly not half as impressed as he was. But guess what, two people, even spouses or separated spouses, do not have to agree on everything, especially creative work. So without sounding too negative I just made some comments about the work.
This morning he set off straight after we dropped D at school. No kiss from him, but thanks (althought I got two kisses on the cheeks when he arrived, which he conspicuously didn't give last visit.)
H turned up early, just BEFORE my visit to the hairdresser this morning. My hair cut has shaved YEARS off me.
So, that's it from me folks. Time to plan my OWN 'constructive' MLC, as Ellie has suggested more than once!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
