I remember when your mum died, I was still on the boards then. It was very unexpected, and I remember when you got home from your country of origin there was still a message on your machine from your mum saying that your aunt had passed away. How are you doing now? Is your dad alive still?
You are so right about the work thing. I do feel some small sense of independence through my working. And I can tell that the kids are proud of me too. I like the substituting but it can be a little nerve wracking, as I have to get up each am and get ready, then wait to see if I get called. But that is just part of the process.
There may be a regular position opening up next fall as an ESL (English as a Second Language) Aide. I have subbed in that area before and I really enjoy it. The pay is not entirely fab, but it works great with my kids daily schedule, vacation schedule etc. I think that the problem is that after 14 years as a stay at home mom, I got pretty spoiled. Any job where I have to show up on a regular basis seems a lot like losing my freedom. But I guess that the job of eating bon bons on the couch is no longer available.
I am more jazzed up about my writing, but that is totally sporadic in nature for right now.
H has a somewhat puzzling attitude toward my work. Regarding the teaching part he is mostly interested in whether I am being called in, making big (ha) $, etc. He cares nothing about what I do there, how I like it, etc. He wants to know about the bottom line.
When I finally worked up the courage to show him my first magazine article, this was his response. "I am really busy tonight and I don't have time to read it." Period, that was it. And my fragile ego hasn't tried again.
It seems like whenever I try to get the tiniest bit of support from him his response is something like this, "You are not supporting me in what I am trying to do, so I am not supporting you."
I suppose that I need to explain something that happened back in December regarding his "support" issue. He approached me, asking me to sign away something ELSE as collateral for his business. After much consideration, prayer, consultation with three good friends as well as my financial advisor, I had to say "no."
It would have been like throwing good $ after bad, as he has totally run his business into the ground since he and OW have been hooked up together. Plus the fact that he was asking me to put my faith in him when he was being unfaithful to me.
My refusal has made him totally furious, but oh well. He says that he can never forgive me. It has also put his business in a difficult position, but he totally did that on his own with no help from me.
If any of you remember my trip to China back in October, that turned out to be a scam to get me in his good graces so I would sign some papers. (which I did, silly me.) But he ain't foolin' me no more.
LnL, you asked about his official position towards the marriage and me. I think that right now he is coasting. He would def say that he is not working on the marriage. And he would prob say that he doesn't see any hope for it. Right now (as always) his focus is on his business. Any R talk on my part is futile.
I also think that he doesn't want to be the one to end the marriage. He would rather say "Pam divorced me." So he just goes along, living his days, ticked off at me and the world in general, everything is someone else's fault. The most responsibility he will accept is to say, "I've been mentally depressed." I know that OW has told him that she wants a committment. But don't we all.
