It has been so long since I have posted to the boards that I actually had to go back to the instruction page and re-read how to do it.
I am starting a new thread, but will first re-cap a brief history for the many who do not know me, then give an update for all my friends who might remember me even though I disappeared for a while.
Hi all, I am Pam now 40, yipes that 40 thing happened while I was gone too. I have an S15 and an S12. My H is 43 and has been having an A since Jan 2003, with an OW who lives in another country, a country where he goes frequently on business.
I became aware of the A in August 2003 and we went through a pretty rocky period thereafter where I did all of the "wrong" stuff. I didn't find out about db until much later.
The A seemed like it was on again/off again, but in reality that was pretty much my H feeding me a line of crap. In April 2004 I kicked my H out of the house (really what I did was move his stuff out to a vacation home that we have about an hour away from here). This move was precipitated by two things, I had read James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" which advocates kicking out the errant spouse in an attempt to preserve the marriage, save your sanity, and bring the spouse to their senses by bringing them to their knees. Secondly, I had found an e-mail that my H had sent to the American consulate requesting a visa for OW to come here. That was pretty much the last straw, since at that time he and OW were supposed to be a thing of the past. When I confronted my H about this e-mail he said that he wanted out of the marriage.
So I moved him out on Good Friday last year. Two weeks later I went for an appt. with a new counselor, thinking that I was taking the first steps toward making a new life for myself. Wrong. She advocated for trying to save the marriage and had me read DR and DB.
So I came to the board for the first time the end of April 2004. There were various steps of progress since then. I am most proud of the fact that I have Gotten a Life Details to follow later on.
There has been the usual roller coaster of a ride with H. He comes close, then moves away like all the rest of 'em. In recent months he has become much more of a liar, a drinker, and not the kind of guy that I really want to spend the rest of my life with. He was diagnosed as being depressed last spring, but only took the meds for about 8 weeks. He is back on them again of of about 3 weeks ago. He and OW are still involved, he supports her financially.
His self-owned business has really taken a nose dive, but that is a very long complicated story in itself.
I pretty much disappeared from the boards around Thanksgiving. The day before T-giving there was serious violence at S15's school, 7 kids hospitalized, but no life threatening injuries, thank goodness.
I decided about then, that I was spending way too much time here on the boards, giving of my time and emotional energy in a way that was leaving me depleted. I also thought, and still do believe, that I needed to take my concerns to God first. So I decided to take a break from the boards, not knowing if I would ever return.
But here I am, for better or worse.
If I remembered how to link my old stuff, I would, but I don't. So if any of you want to read it, I will endeavor to remember.
I am now a published writer. I have had several articles published in a local magazine, and they must like my writing because twice I have had the featured article of the issue.
I also got my substitute teacher's license and have been doing some teaching 2-3 times a week. I am not a teacher by training, but had the credentials to get the license and it is a good fit with my needs and my kid's schedules.
On a sad note, my grandpa died in January , which has left me pretty much an orphan, if you can be an orphan at age 40. My parents died 22 years ago in a car accident and my grandpa was the last one left.
S12 and S15 are doing ok. In the past month we have had several conversations regarding "feelings" which is progress for us. We have settled into the idea that H isn't coming back.
H is so far away from the man he used to be that I barely recognize him, much less even like him. He lies, he drinks, did I say he lies? He supports OW but is not faithful in supporting us financially.
I have not yet taken any legal action, but financial necessity pretty much dicates now that I can't live in limbo land any more. He blames all his failures on me. Everything is my fault, it is my fault that he had the A, my fault that his business went south, my fault for kicking him out of the house. He accepts no responsibility for his actions and it ain't pretty.
Through the past year and a half he has said many times that he wants to break it off with OW, he lists her faults, claims that their relationship is too complicated, blah blah blah. But they are still together. During my hiatus from the boards I found out that she was here in the US in August, just days after I went with him to Vegas. So she has a visa to travel here and I do not doubt that somewhere in his pea brain that H is planning on bringing her here permanently. He is now talking of moving to California and I think that he wants to start a new life with her there.
Our R has seriously deteriorated. On one level I still do love him, but I do not like the man that he has become. He is icky.
If any of you have any tidbits of advice I would be glad to entertain them.
I am still getting used to being back. LnL when I peeked back at my old thread I saw that you had reached out to say "hi" thanks for trying. I literally didn't even lurk one time.
I would have said even a day or two ago that I was still trying to db, but in reading the posts of others I guess maybe that is not so true.
It strikes me now, if I was totally honest, as a little bit bizarre how we all wait and watch for the tiniest sign of progress in our sitch's. Meanwhile our H's are still up to their eyeballs in their A's. And here we are "acting as if," getting a life and trying to be irresistable, attractive etc.
I feel so jaded. I just want to be loved and respected and right now that looks to be a million miles away from where I sit here on this cold snowy morning.
Is it just me?
Has the coaster ride been so long and painful that I have lost the will to even try? How do I even psych myself up for what looks like a hopeless cause?
Hi Pamilla... all i can say you is that my h also turne to be a different irresponsible, awfull man you wrote about your h... and now is the same old olfk, or at least very similar of the man i marriage, responsible, always caring about his familly, although we still have many many problems as a couple...!!... My h used and stil use to lay on me all the reasons of his nsatifactions or bad results... so... thats man... so easy mind.. so selfish.. when we were separate i handle situation different and maybe bc that horrible man he change out, i introduce divorce demand and began legal issue inmediatly... so, while i do that, he suddenly ask for a reconciliation... Sometimes i thnk maybe with that acttitude i force him to return, and not to think clearly about what he really wants and what he can give me bc the problems arte still between us... Just a reflextion i wants to share with you... i envy you bc all the improves for yourself in your life... Andrea
Hi Pam - While I'm glad to see an old friend again, I'm sad about the circumstances that have brought you back here So sorry to hear about your grandpa. I can only begin to imagine the enormity of all that you have had to cope with.
Congratulations on the teaching license, and wow, a published author! These accomplishments must help with morale and finances no end. I know during my tough times work kept me on an even keel.
No specific advise, just looking forward to travelling with you here.
I'm also into the GAL mode. I am very interested in hearing about your being published - I have just registered for a Creative Writing course, and so far it's been quite interesting.
Bye for now.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I can relate to the feeling jaded. The entire time I was DBing my H was cheating on me. I didn't have a clue. I saw signs of it but dismissed them because I was too busy looking for baby steps. I thought I was seeing baby steps but now realize he just became a better liar.
I know how hard it is to realize that you should end it. I have filed. As much as my H disgusts me now, I still find myself hanging onto a slim thread he will return to the man he was when I married him. Unfortunately, reality is setting in that its not likely to happen. He is happy with his lifestyle. He is just not happy he got caught.
Giving up is just as hard as trying to keep it together. I find myself wishing that I would have given up before I found out everything my H was up to but I know that if I had, I would have spent years of my life debating whether I made the right decision. Now I know I made the right decision.
I continue to DB just not with H. I hope the skills I have learned will help in any future Rs I have.
Thanks so much for coming to visit. Thank you also for the condolences. You're right, it has been hard, one more thing on top of all the rest.
I may be at a whole different spot than I was 4 months ago, but in some ways I feel a whole lot better off. Though it seems more than likely that my marriage is not truly salvageable as it stands now.
I have never participated in AA or AlAnon, but I know that one of their precepts is based on the Serenity Prayer. To be completely honest I used to think that prayer was sort of dopey, some sort of pious cliche that you hung on the wall in the guest bathroom. But the other day it hit me in a brand new way
God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change...
Wow, I thought how true is that. I cannot change H, cannot change the circumstances of our M, but I can change me. And the rest I just need to be peaceful about. Serenity is my new goal.
So I am thinking that instead of watching for H's baby steps, which never seem to happen and are usu. in the wrong direction, I need to be looking at my baby steps. And just like how we applauded our own babies for their baby steps I think that part of the reason we are all here on the board is to applaud each other's baby steps.
So yeah for us, yeah for trying to learn something from all this, yeah for getting a life. Yeah for caring enough about our marriages and our vows to really try to stick it out through better and worse.
We are special people and if our significant other's don't recognize that, that is their problem.
Because this is my journey too, it's about my personal growth, who I am, who I am becoming, and what I have learned from all this.
I can relate to so many of the things in your situation. My Mum died last October (and her sister three days earlier, the aunt I visited last summer). It's hard not to feel almost completely abandoned sometimes. But this morning, my daughter woke up in the most sweet mood and I thought, be grateful for what you DO have, Livnlearn.
Good on you for getting your work published, and getting the teaching work. There are times in between the despair when I feel exhiliaration at being independent, inspite of financial precariousness, as I am sure you do.
Throughout all this, what has been your H's official line? That he is working on things? Or is he openly stating he is not coming back?
I'm in a similar place of confusion about how much longer I want to put effort into DBing the M.
Good to see you back though (if you know what I mean!)
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I have had several articles published in a local magazine, and they must like my writing because twice I have had the featured article of the issue.
, which has left me pretty much an orphan, if you can be an orphan at age 40. My parents died 22 years ago in a car accident and my grandpa was the last one left. 
