Me? OK... I'm not missing my ex like I used to... I'm getting used to being single, having a few flings, still GAL myself. The neat thing about learning to be "alone" is the sense of independent ability that is growing... that I don't need to be with someone to be complete. Though I would love to love someone and be loved, but can do without someone too... but not wish to forever. That's giving me an ever stronger basis to my life, I recommend it.
If I may threadjack for a second, here's my update. Haven't heard from the WAW for near three weeks now. Though she's had glimpses of some interesting new things in my life, I haven't heard from her, so I'd appreciate some thoughts here.
In late February when I saw her last for a lunch date, the "buzz" I mentioned to her about my life was that a director I met was interested in having me read for her, I had met a playwright who was getting backing for a new musical and there was a shot that I could be a member of the chorus, was going to have a couple of my photos exhibit in a show, I was dating... in other words, some new and novel possibilities were budding in my life and she seemed wowed by them... but the monkey in her hasn't contacted me to find out any more about these shiny new things in my camp...
You see, monkeys (WAS) get curious and when the hunters (LBS) leave camp (back off and move on), they come into the camp to check out the things they noticed that are new and shiny (the LBS's new life and interests they're not familiar with). Then when they figure the new things in the camp are more fun than their camp (life with the OP), they hang around and slowly, slowly, the hunters catch them.
Though we communicated briefly in March regarding taxes, there was nothing on her part asking about how these things were coming along. And now... silence.
So I'm thinking a few things. 1. The obvious, she's not interested in me or my life. Which seems odd, because if she wasn't interested, then why bother with making lunch dates to meet up with me and spend 3 to 4 hours with me on those occasions? Unless it's because....
2. That was then and this is now, and so she was interested at that time in February, but then interest dropped off for some reason instead of being piqued? In thinking that, there's also that she's not kept me up to date on some projects she was working on that she said she would. And if she's got to get in to town since February to pick up supplies, ya'd think she'd let me know so as to meet up for lunch again, but as I said, there's been no call from her. Or is it...
3. she is interested, but not showing it and waiting on me to make a call to her. See who blinks first kind of thing. The theory is that my silence is eating her, but she doesn't want to show me that she's interested. She's stubborn. Or...
4. what else may be happening? My inquiring mind wants to know. Anybody have an anecdotal experience that may shed a bit of light?
NY, I love the monkeys and the hunters! My monkey has been very curious lately, but I'm just not hunting. He keeps getting closer and closer to camp, but doesn't sit still long.
A couple flings, eh? Good for you.
As to theories, I hoping it's number 3. She may have also gotten info from a mutual friend and you just have to keep it up. Gotta love a curious monkey. They're so cute and unsuspecting.
It sounds like things are happening in New York. Good for you. My monkey had to go away on a week long trip to the Bahamas for him to see that Mellanie Land might be a better place to hang out. It seems paradise is not all it's cracked up to be. I'm still not hunting.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Thanks for your advise and taking out time to give me some.
Ny.. Its really has been along time and it seems that you are quite contempt in your life. I love all of your analogies. I think that word has spread through friends. I dont believe that she would be able to not talk to you for three weeks. You know curiosity kills that cat....satisfaction brings them back. I feel that your W is getting the information that she needs from someone. I am sure... almost 100% that it would drive her crazy if she didnt know what was going on. Stay strong and sweet....a lot of us here love to hear your advise and to hear what is going on with you. I am so happy that you are not slumming around and congrats on the couple of hook ups.
Well, my update is.... H and I of course spoke for a few minutes last night about the R. H told me that he just has no intreast in trying to work things out with me. :-( He said that he doesnt think life will ever get better between us...(I didnt think that is was ever that bad until we have spat about the affair) We agreed that we hate arguing with eachother and it is just too much now. I told him(I was strong and no tears) that maybe it is best that he leaves for awhile to clear his mind and work on himself.(I dont want him to leave) I told him that I cant argue anymore. I told him that I am willing to trust him again and I just want to be happy. H said that he isnt sure that he can be trusted(Ouch) he said that he never meant to be unfaithful...he doesnt understand it. We had a good night afterwards...he told me how beautiful I am and that he hopes that things can work out between us one day. I am giving him more space to do his thing while he is still there. He said that he doesnt want to hurt me anymore thats why it is hard to talk sometimes....he feels guilty for what he has done.(then why doesnt he stop talking to her.....I think that he really believes that he can be friends with her w/o any sexual tendencies)(NOT) I am really trying to be strong....I really hope that things one day might be great with us(I am hoping)(I am praying) I love my H and dont want him to leave....I think that it will be to hard for me....I wish that I could make him stay and make everything better again...but I always told him that I would never force him into anything.
Does anyone have any ideas...so that he might stay at the house? I am trying to be wonderful while he is there...and forever....I really want this M to work out! All info is appreciated!
I found out yesterday that H really gets sick of the house when it gets cluttered....I did the kitchen last night and am going to continue with the rest tonight. This might be one of his LL..or just a pet peave...
Hang in there. Keep being happy around H. Give him lots of space and time. If you detach, GAL, and be happy--you may be able to keep him at home. If he feels safe there he may not feel like he needs to leave while he sorts this out.
While he is there, make sure you look good. Go out, do things for you. Are you doing 180s? Remember to take one day at a time, be patient. Sherry
Mel... Thanks thats an interesting web page. THanks for your support
Sherry... Thanks for your support too! It helps to know that there are people out there who care.
Well... Update time.... Nothing really is new except H is becoming more distant. He got home from work at 3pm yesterday and went out drinking until 730pm. H would not call or return my call. I needed to know his schedule for today so I could advise the sitter. No real communication is going on....I still try to always be happy...but now he goes out and keeps taking more and more money out to do these things. Am I suppose to be smiling when I am the bill payer. I dont want him to leave me but I cant let him try and break the bank becuase I dont know if I am suppose to say anything to him. H told me last night that he is going to go to the drag races tonight so that he wont be home. Why doenst he have to worry about D, bills, the laundry....I work a lot and have everything else to think about....why should he just be able to be happy getting out and leaving me to do everything. I love my H but what do I do now. My mom is always talking about how he should be treating my wonderful with all that I do for him....I hate hearing that...I do things because I love him.
Am I doing something incorrectly with the 180/DB thing...Should I just tell him to go so that he can feel some of the burdens.
I hate the feeling that I am a nothing in his life. I want to be love and cherished. I dont like being ignored or taken advantage of.
I feel the pain in this post, and know that I have those very same feelings. My H was doing the same thing for a while, taking money out with no regards for bills, going out everynight, leaving me to do all the grunt work. I felt and still feel completely unappreciated and unloved. My H is SOOOO concerned if the damn cellphone bill gets paid, doesnt care that I dont have the money to pay the mortgage.
I do things for H because I love him as well, but I also have to stop catering to him. I was telling someone the other day that we have been together since we were 17, so sometimes I forget that H has grown up into a man and is not that 17 yr old, that I wrote his bills out for, did everything, called and made dr appts. He is more than capable of making airline reservations to go visit OW, rent a car to drive her ass around in, but doing it on our DIME. Let some of the things slide at home so you dont feel so burdened. He will take notice that the cleaning is not up to par, maybe he will even pitch in. I stopped my cleaning regiment (I clean just not as often I was obsessive) because I decided that I wanted to live life, not sit around and clean. There have to be some things that would be 180's for you that H would say hmmmm what is going on here?
I'm sick about all this. When I read the things you write both here and on my thread, I can't imagine why he's doing this. But as NY says, we can't think or know what's going on in the head of the WAS or "affair-having-partner" or whatever. If you truly want to save your marriage, you have to keep doing the 180 thing and "acting-as-if".
In my case, it was also very hard to do this when I knew damn well she was going out to see the OP while D12 and I stayed at home. When I read in the book (and when several posters wrote me) that DBing is really for you, it is to make a change in you and if your spouse catches on and comes to their senses, that's gravy, I didn't buy it 100%. However, it's the TRUTH. A month or so ago, I still wanted my W to come back no matter what. Now, she comes over to the house for something and I don't have the same intense feelings for her that I used to. She came over Tuesday night to sign the tax refund checks and I couldn't wait for her to get going so I could get to the gym. I was like..."Is there anything else, is there anything else..." Don't get me wrong, there's something still there but it is getting buried deeper every day.
Again, if you truly love him and want him to stay, your only shot is to keep with the 180's, the nice-nice, letting him see that you are not fazed by his antics and that you are willing to MOVE ON if necessary. I'm sure you will make the decision that is best for you, I've got faith in you!!! Go look in the mirror right now and tell yourself that you are the best. You can handle this no matter what happens. I mean it, go do it right now then come back and read the rest of this and tell me how you feel.
KEEP IT UP...D.
LAD 6-2 (1st Place, I might add...)
P.S. Sorry I haven't posted to you in a while, I'll get better...LATE
Thanks to all of you for all of your answers and support. i really dont know what I would do without you (all of you.) Everybody put your right hand on your left shoulder and put your left hand on your right shoulder.....squeeze! Thats a big hug from me for all of your support.
I will keep all of you posted on what occurs tonight! Well, I know that I am getting my hair done.....hip hip horray!
