I am confused

[BLONDEQT1]

First of all I want to thank you all for your support. They way that each one of you responds makes me feel a lot better...it nice to be able to talk and get some support from people that understand what I am going through. My biggest problem with H is the disrespect that he gives me. I dont know how to go about like it doesnt bother me. Also like last night....wow he came straight home from work...and then after dinner he advised me that he was going to have a few beers....then he asked me if I minded if he went....I smiled and said of course not but he said that he could see in my face that I didnt want him to go....Boy oh boy.....he went anyways! I really didnt mind though.....Yikes I am crazy!

[NYsurvivor]

My biggest problem with H is the disrespect that he gives me. I dont know how to go about like it doesnt bother me.

You're the one letting it bother you. You're letting it push your buttons and affect you, instead of letting it roll off you. We all know that the secret is to detach. GAL helps in detaching. Don't focus on these things, don't dwell on these thoughts. You're feeding your negativity, and that's going to make it rough for you. Nobody can do this work for you but you. Change your thoughts, and your feelings will change.

[BLONDEQT1]

Okay for everyone that cares....tonight has been awful for me. I did some thing right and the rest wrong. I just need to type about it.....I need support. I decided to finally do my GAL.....I got my nails done...feet done...eyebrows waxed....the whole enchilada I was starting to feel good because my H was going to watch our D...but of course before I went to enjoy myself he wanted to argue....I hate arguing! He did tell me again that he wants a divorce. He is not happy being married. He thinks that I am stupid for wanting to forgive him after I know that he has on EA which involved S. He told me I was an ass because I saw him a a hotel and I know what he was doing.(At the time I thought he was alone....I didnt know she was there or I probably would have fought with her). He said that he would never be able to forgive me if I did something like that. I told him that he can have his own opinion but that my belief is that a person should be forgiven if the make a mistake...but not if they continued doing it. (I guess that I am stupid) I let me tell me that and that he was so unhappy with me and that of course...he loves me but is not in love with me. It hurt but I was so pissed that he was trying to ruin my night that I blew off that subject. He also said that he will have to live the rest of his life knowing what he did and that it hurts me. I told him that I am moving on and if he cant then that is his problem. (excuse, excuses, excuses) He said that our D will always be part of his life. He was really mean. He told me that he is not seeing the OW and that he feels that he should become gay because he is sick of women. I told him that I think that he would be a great gay man. Sorry I was mad. I hate that he blames so much on me. I told him that I was trying to make our R work but that I cant work alone. He said....."Idont know how many time I have to tell you that I want a divorce...when will you understand." I dont understand that if it is that important to him...then move. Stop staying here with me and go on his way. He said that we are having money problems...(they really arent that bad) we have things to pay off when we were cleaning up his credit...plus hospital bill. (I had baby and kidney stone surgery) I told him that we are tight because we have to pay back things that we HAD to do...its not like I go out and spend money on stupid things...I did throw the fact that he has been going to the bar spending our money to have beers...approx $100 a week. I am one person that likes when others are happy and I will go without. I guess I feel that he was trying to throw a lot in my face....It hurts so bad(sorry NY I probably really did a bacckslide...and its not gonna happen again)...I wish that he knew how important life and our marriage is to be...but he is so hard headed and I dont think anything I can do will ever change that. He left to go to the bar the minute that I got home but I am still so hurt and mad that it doesnt bother me. I am so sad and I dont know where to go or what to say next....Please help me. Does this mean that it really is over Please help me!

[NYsurvivor]

BlondeQT, you've had kidney stones? I've had kidney stone attacks. Brrrr. if you can go through that and childbirth, then whatever your H throws at you is nothing.

Which was worse, BTW? A stone attack or labor pains?

Look, your H is sucking you into fights because he's a WAS, and some of them need lots of negativity to offset their guilt. So they'll put spins on things and repaint the marital history as all negative and get you into brawls with them just so they can justify their plight.

Don't fall for it. Walk out of the room, tell him, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and don't feed him his negativity meals.

He said he loves you but is not in love with you? Standard operating procedure for a WAS. Don't give it a second thought. THEY ALL SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT! I got that speech too. Don't listen to them. Any couple that's ever reconciled, had, at one time, a partner who said something like that, OK?

I told him that I was trying to make our R work but that I cant work alone. He said....."Idont know how many time I have to tell you that I want a divorce...when will you understand."

Duh! To him, the relationship is unwanted! It was hurtful to him! Understand the psychology of the WAS. They want OUT of the relationship. You, the LBS, come along saying you want to keep that relationship intact and work on it, and to the WAS, you're saying, "Hey! That relationship that's hurtful to you, that you want to escape? Well, I insist it's viable and I'm committed to working on it regardless!" To the WAS, you're continuing to be insensitive to their needs, you see. That's why he's saying to you, "how many times do I have to tell you... don't you understand?"

Does it mean it's really over? No, of course not. The only time it's really over, believe it or not, is either when YOU say it's over, or one of the two of you dies, OK?

But back off your feelings about what he's doing and work on getting detached. Have zero expectations about everything concerning him and keep on GAL. It's the only thing that works!! You're not getting favorable results having these tête-à-têtes with him... Go back to the beginning of your thread, when you were on the right track. You're letting yourself get too involved with the turmoil... you're dwelling on how this hurts you, get away from that, you'll get burned!!... detach, sweetie, detach... that's how you regain your strength and position... the one who wants the relationship LEAST is the one who has the power...

[MnSPD]

BQT,

Great advice from NY. Just for the record I also have had kidney stones. Wierd.

Any way here is something on detachment that may help.

II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them.

It is a simple concept, but difficult to accomplish. As you move forward with the principles of DBing you will become detached. Lovingly detached. This is a part of the process I posted about. When you are successfully detaching a new sense of calm will find you. The rollercoaster slows wwaaayyyy down and life gets easier. Develop an As If attitude, emotionally detach and let time work on your H.

Stay strong, stay commited and show your H your true character.

Steve

[BLONDEQT1]

NY...
Thank you and just to let you know...I would rather have 10 children in a row without pain medicine rather than a kidney stone.

Well, again thank all of you for your constant support. It really does help knowing that someone is here to help when you need it.

Well, update on H situation.
After I updated thread with my frusteration last night I decided to relax and take a shower and go to bed. While I was in the shower I saw a shadow...to my surprise H was home form bar after just about an hour...very unusual. I told him good night and went to bed...a little bit later he came to the room and he wanted to cuddle and watcht tv. I did this for a few minutes and the rolled over to sleep. I was asking myself why does he do this....but then ecided not to try and analyze this. Of course this morning the other personality was available....he sid bye and walked out the door with his same old who gives a [censored] attitude. Okay....I am ignoring the attitude and (NY letting it roll off of me) Now it is St Pattys day and I know that he is going to go out. Should I just keep a smile on my face and not let it bug me....i want to start out by doing the correct thing...no more backsliding....It just brings me down. I am ready to hold my head up and do what I think is right. Can anyone help me to let me know how i should act and what I shouldnt do...I want to do good but at the same time I am in a state of confussion...

I want to be on the right path!

[NYsurvivor]

BlondeQT, I'm very, very proud of you!

I was asking myself why does he do this....but then decided not to try and analyze this.

Most excellent. That one bit of H's action could've spawned several posts were you to try and analyze it and not one of those posts may have hit the nail on the head, and even if they did, they'd only reflect a feeling of his from last night.

I know that he is going to go out. Should I just keep a smile on my face and not let it bug me.

You know the answer to that one.

no more backsliding....It just brings me down. I am ready to hold my head up and do what I think is right. Can anyone help me to let me know how i should act and what I shouldnt do...I want to do good but at the same time I am in a state of confussion...

The more you GAL, detach, build PMA et al, the less your confusion will be, the less your turbulence will be. The less you do those things and instead the more you focus on H and analyze and wonder, the more crazy your roller coaster ride will be, and it will be a longer ride.

Two rules of thumb I'll remind you of:

1. Consider your H as you would a close friend, and treat him accordingly. That gives you a path to follow.

2. When in doubt as to what to do, do nothing.

[BLONDEQT1]

Thanks again! You are a sweetie....and thanks to everyone else too!

I have decided to be more like NY....a strong person. I love to feel the encouragement. I am not saying that I will not have my week moments or my pissed off ones...but I am going to try.

I love my H but guess what I love myself too!

[MnSPD]

BQT,

I'm going to throw this out there to see what others think. From reading your thread, both of you seem to be a little stuck. Neither one wanting to upset the apple cart so to speak.

Here is my suggestion but only if you are agreeable. Let the cuddling turn into something more. I have repeatedly seen where the physical bond of ML has provided the WAS a sense of calm. Your H is feeling extreme guilt over his A. He feels unworthy, he still cares, obvious, because of the cuddling, but he seems extremely hesitant to take the next step. How many guys have you known that if you were cuddling wouldn't try for something more? There may be a few but not many.

I only suggest this if YOU can handle it. Don't do it if you feel you may be hurt emotionally. My suggestion is to think of the act as an experiment. At least at this point in your R. Let it happen and monitor the results. Work into it slowly, don't go for it at the first opportunity. The next time he cuddles, maybe take his hand and place it on your breast. If he wants more, stop him and say you like him touching you, but you just aren't ready for more. See how he reacts. Let him yearn for you. Very powerful mojo.

Of course you need to be able to do this while being detached. Easy to say, right?

I'm interested in what other may think. NY, any concerns? This is just a thought, go ahead and tell me if you think I'm nuts.

Steve

[NYsurvivor]

IMHO, if an estranged couple wish to have sex with each other for whatever agreeable reason there is (pleasure or a drawing close to each other), that's their business. You know your situation better than I do. Just protect yourself from possibly catching STDs. And like MnSPD points out, don't offer sex as a dangling carrot, or for some reason that you ought not.