Well, its another day....they seem so long when you have problems. Well, H came home yesterday with makeup on the arm of his shirt...and must have realized that I looked over at it because he got a little upset and said that he doesnt like when I look at him. I screwed up...I said it looks like you have a little makeup on your shirt. He aske me if I was accusing him of something and I said no that it must have been my makeup from when he got the baby from me. I know in my heart that he was with her yesterday. I just dont understand how the OW could be the OW. Doesnt she have any respect in herself to not date a married man. I heard from another person that the OW and her husband are getting a divorce. Yikes!!!! I guess I dont know where to go from here. H told me that he was sorry that he thought that I was accusing him so he wanted to start over and he gave me a hug and kiss and asked me how my day was. He has told me a few times in the past night that he loves me. I havent talked about our R. I just try to be happy and nice...but inside I hate sharing my H with the OW. I dont want to give up but I feel liek it is coming to that point in my life. I am soooooo hurt and I feel like my smile doesnt want to be on my face anymore. I Do know that I am a great person and good mother....I wish that I could get the strength to make it through this. My daughter is my life and I hate to think that she wont have her daddy around every night. H new thing is to go straight from work to the bar for a couple beers and then comes home. As you can see I am trying but when do I really know that it is time to move on....and face the facts that this marriage might really be over. I really do love my H I just wish that he would live me the same way.....Anyone have advise.
I screwed up...I said it looks like you have a little makeup on your shirt.
I don't think that's a screw up. I think it's an honest statement of fact.
He asked me if I was accusing him of something
Most probably because he felt guilty, knowing where the makeup came from.
and I said no that it must have been my makeup
Is it a good idea to point the blame to yourself? Would it have been better just to leave it at "No"? Just some thoughts.
I just don't understand how the OW could be the OW. Doesn't she have any respect in herself to not date a married man.
She has reasons that justify doing so for her. Whether unconsciously she's got guilt about it, we wouldn't know. It depends on how she's looking at this. It doesn't matter, it's not entirely her fault. If it wasn't her, it could be somebody else.
he gave me a hug and kiss... has told me a few times in the past night that he loves me... inside I hate sharing my H with the OW...I am soooooo hurt...I hate to think that she wont have her daddy around...
Yes, it is painful. But the pain is from what has happened, and any pain going forward is misery you're giving yourself by reliving painful associations. Thinking thoughts such as "I hate sharing my H with the OW" and "I hate to think that she wont have her daddy around" while true and reflective of your situation, are painful thoughts and from painful thoughts spring miserable feelings. The best thing to do is not to dwell on the repercussions of the A. Focus on the positives.
You were doing great and were on the right path. To keep doing this will require more patience from you then you've probably ever had to serve up before. You will also need to become more and more detached, and you can help that along by pursuing outside interests and filling your life with that. Detach + PMA + GAL = a more tranquil mind and possibly make H pursue you.
Your H sounds confused and may be on a fence. Patience and consistency on your part is needed. We're all in this same slow, slow boat, we can't make it go any faster. Well, we can perhaps a bit by moving forward ourselves, but I don't see anything that approaches a "fast forward" type of result. Some people have been at this for two years or longer, and then get results. It takes longer than you want it to, so don't give up 5 minutes before you would've gotten results, just because of impatience.
when do I really know that it is time to move on
I hear tell that it's when you no longer care and haven't cared for some time. You'll know.
NY... When I wrote that on Saturday I could wait for you to help give me some advise....all I felt was despair. I am still trying to move forward with my detachment..it is so hard as you know. I did wash his shirt that night but I DO know that the makeup was not mine. I wish that he would come to realize something....but of course we all do. I have come to realize that I am a good person and no matter what happens I am going to know that I have realy given my all and if the D was to happen I could always look back and know it. I did not ask him about the OW...nor am I going to....but as we all know it really does take everything we have sometimes just to hold it in...especially the tears. I am so happy that I am on this thread because without some of this moral support I know that I would go crazy with my feelings inside. I really have no others to talk to because I dont want anyone to know what is going on between me and my H. Saturday went pretty good H worked all day and when he got home his phone rang with (Unknown) number...the only reason I know this is because he said that he hates answering calls when he doesnt know the person(Yeah Right) I didnt say anything. On Sunday we took the kids and went and did a few things I wish it was always like that...I had a really nice time. We will se what happens today...it is usually when I think that he meets up with her. His attitude usually changes...Oh by the way he told me last night that his work may be sending him out of town for a couple nights...Maybe it will be good for us to get away from each other....maybe give him time to think.
I am also wondering about one other thing. H has a short temper....not just with me but with his son and our daughter. I dont feel thats fair to everyone. Am I suppose to ignore it or say something to him. Is he like this becuase he dont want to be around us and he feels tied down or is he just a grumpy person.
I would think that a person has certain boundaries and if their partner has a temper/anger problem, that the boundaries have to be enforced. Being angry doesn't give anyone the right to take it out on those near them, right? If the boundaries aren't respected, then it's probably wise to let the angry person know, in a calm fashion, that you'll talk to them later when they're not angry, and then perhaps even leave the room.
Being supportive and loving and agreeable to our WASs does not mean one has to become a door mat and take abuse. That's not what love is.
Thinking in terms of something being fair or not, I'm reminded that nowhere is it written that things must be fair.
Is he like this because he dont want to be around us and he feels tied down or is he just a grumpy person.
Who knows? It may even be something else, or an accumulation of things. Doesn't matter much, that's not the issue. The issue is his choice in handling his feelings and associated behavior. Try not to take his behavior personally. It's his behavior, not yours, that's questionable and totally his responsibility. It's amazing... here we learn to grow and be mature in our thinking and behavior partly for the sake of attracting our WASs back, becoming far better people in the process... while they continue not to grow and act immaturely. Why do we do this? How does the song go? "It must be love, it must be love..."
Thank you again. It helps knowing that there is a place here that I can get help. I am so down on myself...I always try and think what I did wrong to make him run into the arms of another woman. Maybe I need to lose weight...I am a little chunkier since the baby. I hate feeling so down and wondering what I could have done wrong in our M. I know that I am a nice person that was never jealous of him having friends tht were the opposite sex....its just when the friendship went further. By doing the 180 and GAL do you really think that will help the situation
In the book "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr., there's a section on being attractive for your spouse. But you needn't think that you were somehow the cause of his being with OW, he's 100% responsible for that. Your part was in contributing to the environment in your relationship that influenced him to be unhappy. And that's not to overlook the part he played in contributing to his own unhappiness.
The blaming of oneself is a part of the grieving process. thoughts are typically, "Oh, what could I have done differently?" or "If I only could go back in time" or "Why didn't I do this or that?" But, you're not entirely to blame and even if things had been handled somewhat differently, who can say what the results really would've been?
I know that I am a nice person that was never jealous of him having friends that were the opposite sex....its just when the friendship went further.
Boy oh boy, I have a problem there too. On the one hand, how can I prohibit my mate telling them who they can or can't talk to... especially if it's an old flame who is now friendly with them... imagine the OW demanding that your H not speak with you... and yet, my W speaking with an old boyfriend is exactly how the affair began. Of course, she was unhappy. not unhappy enough to leave the marriage, but certainly it came through to the OM and things happened...
What can we do but walk away sadder and wiser, knowing to keep our eyes and ears open lest this should happen again, and nip it in the bud nest time with a heartfelt talk... but more importantly, nip the problems that arise in relationships in the bud so that small problems are not left to become big problems.
By doing the 180 and GAL do you really think that will help the situation
They've been known to do that. Of course, there aren't any guarantees, there are a lot of variables... but one thing we know is that if you don't try these techniques wholeheartedly, then you're pretty much just going on waiting until your spouse changes their mind.
Oops! I guess that I did another bad thing.....I thought that I was doing something cute. H lately has been going to a bar by the house every day to have a few beers...I dont mind that at all.....so today after work I wanted to work on our friendship and be like we use to so I went to the bar...tapped him on the shoulder and asked if he would like to buy a gal a drink(trying to be cute)...he shot me down...he looked at me and said I guess(with what I feel a little disgust)I said oh well I just thought that it would be cute to have a drink before I went home....he told me that the bar was his place away...so I said sorry and got up and he said that he would see me at home when I pick up our D so I can go get my nails done or whatever I wanted to do tonight...(I asked him to watch D so that I could go get my nails done)...I am so hurt and I feel like he destroyed me...I feel stupid and dumb....I wanted to build up our friednship and just hang out....How stupid could I be? I am really down right now...can anyone help?
That would've been a cute idea if you two were dating. H isn't responsive right now to such things, so courting him like that isn't going to go over big, and most probably he was at the bar because he didn't feel like coming home to you... ouch... sorry about that. I used to live in a neighborhood that had one of those "gin mill" neighborhood "old man" bars... the guys have been married for eons and can't stand their wives or home life so they go to the bar right after work and stay there until it's bedtime. Ouch again. But what a miserable life, huh? Let's work on making our lives better than theirs.
Build up your friendship by being a friend and listen to him when he wants to talk and validate his feelings. Give him space. You were on the right track when you started your thread. Stay away from pursuit type of behavior right now.
Ouch! That really hurt! Just kidding...it made me smile! You are always right I thought it was going to be cute but boy oh boy was I wrong. I guess that it just isnt time for that....I need to be there to listen even though I wasnt trying to pursue him. My mind was in the wrong place. You are COMPLETELY correct....if he wanted to be here with me he would have been home and not at some dive bar alone(?)I guess that I cant make a lot of good ideas right now because I am so confused and in despair. NY I dont know your entire story but what I have read I just wanted to say I am sorry for how you have bben feeling and I am here for you when you need a smile or support
I thought it was going to be cute but boy oh boy was I wrong. I guess that it just isnt time for that....I need to be there to listen even though I wasnt trying to pursue him. My mind was in the wrong place. You are COMPLETELY correct....if he wanted to be here with me he would have been home and not at some dive bar alone(?)I guess that I cant make a lot of good ideas right now because I am so confused and in despair. NY I dont know your entire story but what I have read I just wanted to say I am sorry for how you have bben feeling and I am here for you when you need a smile or support 