Quote: ...I dont want a divorce at all...I was just agreeing with him (180)I reaaly dont want one. I have forgiven him but I feel that all relationships with "friend" have to end.
I think your use of the "180" here was very wrong. You agreed to something you know you didn't want. Right now you are understandably going through a wide range of emotions, so you most likely weren't thinking very clearly. I know we aren't supposed to have R talks, but in this case, I do believe you need tell your H that you're not ready for a D. Maybe a legal separation is the way to go here as depth and experienced have suggested. This will give you the time you need to DB and improve yourself so that in time your H will hopefully see you as someone he really doesn't want to lose. During this time apart, don't worry about what your H is doing. It's beyond your control, and constantly thinking about it will only consume you. Right now your H isn't thinking of you. He is only thinking of himself and what he wants, but while he is apart from you, he could very well one day "wake up and smell the coffee." He could suddenly realize that he has made the biggest mistake of his life. But the only way he will realize this is after you have made changes in you for the better.
Pick up a copy of Divorce Remedy (DR) if you haven't already. It's a very big help. This will take more time than you think, but this is a much better way to go than getting a D. Be strong and good luck.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
BLONDEQT1, you did the RIGHT THING by "agreeing" with the divorce, even though you don't really want one. Let me tell you why it was the smart thing to do.
Your H at this moment believes that he wants a divorce. In his mind, the marriage is over. That's why any talk of "saving this marriage", "I'm devoted to this marriage" and all that coming from the LBS means NOTHING to the WAS, and in fact, infuriates the WAS because, again, in their mind, the marriage is OVER and any persistence on the part of the LBS is construed as more of the same behavior that led the WAS to walk. It's construed as the LBS being completely insensitive to the needs of the WAS.
Now, by agreeing with the WAS regarding the necessity of a divorce, you are in fact making them feel as if you are on their side. You are no longer someone they can point their finger too as the source of their woes, at least as far as this matter is concerned. there is no one for them to fight against, and you are providing no fuel for their justification. Instead of raising their defenses, they can relax, because you've agreed with their position: that the marriage is over.
Now, this is important: There is a BIG difference between someone saying they want a divorce, and that same someone actually getting the divorce. Though you've agreed to the divorce, you DO NOT do anything to help attain it. You don't fight it, you just don't help it along. In other words, let the one seeking the divorce do ALL the work in attaining it.
I have forgiven him but I feel that all relationships with "friend" have to end.
BlondQT1, again you have done the RIGHT THING. Understand that every correct action will feel wrong in every corpuscle of your body. This whole strategy is counter-intuitive, OK? Chances are if you FEEL you've done the wrong thing, you've probably done the right thing. You'll find in reading many posts, that it's when the poster acts on their FEELINGS that they make mistakes and backslide and take two steps backwards.
By "forgiving" your WAS, one of the things you've done is to establish a way back for them. By forgiving, they need not feel that, were they to come back, that you would then reprimand them with an "I told you so!" or "See? You made a big mistake, Charlie. The grass wasn't greener after all, huh? Was it? Huh, huh? So there!".
The WAS needs a way back where they will not lose face. For a WAS, for any human come to think of it, it's difficult to admit one was wrong, especially when so much damage came out of their actions. They have to tell the OP that everything they made the OP believe turns out not to be the case (such as "my LBS was a monster and YOU, my dear OP< are an angel!"). They have to hurt the OP. they have to reverse course in front of all their friends and family. It can't be easy. They're going to try as best as they can to make it work having left you. So the only thing you can help with is letting them know that you're not ever going to rub it in their face. That you understand that this was something they felt they had to do. You do that by forgiving them. You do that by building a friendship.
There's a difference between the throwaway line. "Can't we be friends?" and truly being friends with someone. If the WAS has expressed a desire to maintain a friendship, Oh boy are you in luck! Having a great friendship is tons better than having a bad marriage. having a great friendship is a terrific basis for a better relationship with your WAS.
The onus of building that friendship is entirely on your shoulders. Be a real friend. granted, the WAS isn't going to treat you as a confidant (but if they ever do... you're more than halfway home!), but you can make every contact with them, every face-to-face with them, one of pleasant experiences. be positive, bright and full of PMA. GAL, fill it up with interests and things to do, and soon, you'll be much happier. ACT as if you are, until then. The more you GAL, the more your WAS will shrink in your life. Work on becoming more and more detached from them... but stay LOVING. VALIDATE and LISTEN to them. Become a friend. Friendships last much longer than most relationships.
NY- The big problem that I am having is that he thinks that he can remain friends with OW. I appreciate our friendship...I just dont think that he can be friends with the OW because they went to far in the first place....the friendship was broken
Unless he's agreed to reconciliate (if he has, I've missed that in your posts), you're not in a position to insist he stop seeing the OW and anything approaching that will just serve as fuel for him to do so.
You, BlondieQT1, have the task of transforming yourself into the better option. It's really as simple as that, though not easily done, and certainly, there are no guarantees. Assuming he's not a sex addict or has some psychological problem that gets him cheating, your contribution to the relationship has combined with his to create a relationship whose influence on H was to make him unhappy, and he decided to deal with that by looking outside the relationship for a fix.
This isn't a matter of whether he's wrong in so doing, BTW. He is, but it's not a perfect world populated by perfect people, so those arguments are futile and only serve to make the individual arguing thus feel morally superior. It's like a self-inflicted gunshot victim, an attempted suicide, comes into the ER. Are you going to argue about the morality of suicide, or are you going to do what you can to fix the situation?
Same goes for whether he's broken your trust (of course he has) or whether he chooses to remain friends right now with the OW. that's NOT your big problem right now. If he wasn't "friends' with her, he'd be "friends" with someone else. I don't mean to sound cold, but, hey, we've got a patient in ER and we need to work stat. Are you willing to focus on what you need to do, rather than on what he's doing?
Nope, I wasn't referencing the LRT. I was just trying to emphasize where the focus needs to be since BQT was looking at H's being friends with the OW right now as a stumbling block. Other than that encouragement, I think she's doing all the right things from the sounds of it.
No, sorry, I meant where you mentioned she was doing the right thing in your first response. I was looking through DR and got to LRT where it's described as being similar to a 180 but only used in an extreme situation (i.e. BQT's H said he wants a D, looks like he means it, and it wasn't said out of anger).
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
No, sorry, I meant where you mentioned she was doing the right thing in your first response. I was looking through DR and got to LRT where it's described as being similar to a 180 but only used in an extreme situation (i.e. BQT's H said he wants a D, looks like he means it, and it wasn't said out of anger).
No, J, that's not the LRT I was referencing in my first post on this thread. The LRT is to go dark completely. I don't recall that technique covering how to deal with a request for a divorce. It's not even really about doing 180s. I don't even think it's in the book at all. I pretty much explained the concept in that post.
Going dark, according to DR, is for when the spouse has left. That kind of extreme situation.
I'm sorry, Michele. I don't agree.
Anyway, regarding how to handle a request for a divorce, in my sitch, I got mentally anguished - correction - I let myself get mentally anguished - over my WAW living with OM and here I was still legally married to her. I felt embarrassed and started the divorce proceeding. Well, it took my FEELING of embarrassment away, but that's all it did. Now I'm getting divorced, duh.
Well, I realized how stupid that was on my part after she got served, and she eventually got to signing the papers. Now I know that D papers don't mean a thing, it just dissolves a marriage license, not a relationship. But still, it's sad, you know? So, I spoke to her and - stupid me - told her I was sad about it. She said it was for the best. So I agreed, and let it go. That, finally, was a smart thing for me to do.
Imagine if I had contended with her instead. Imagine if I had said, "No, dammit! You're my wife! This marriage I'm dedicated to come hell or high water! It's sacred to me! I'll fight you over this divorce!" Where would we be? We would be adversaries. She's off in a new relationship. The marriage was over a long time ago in her mind. That's why she could walk. The relationship was painful to her. Do you really think having the "source" of that pain... in her mind, me... rising up full strength and insisting on keeping that marriage intact, the marriage she felt trapped, hurt, frustrated, unhappy in, a marriage she felt where her life was draining away in, that life was a hopeless prison, that she had to run from... (again, in the WAS's mind)... do you really think insisting that I'm dedicated to that marriage and will fight a divorce will bring my wife back to me? No way! She'd look at me and think, "This S.O.B. wants me to be forever unhappy! He doesn't care about how I feel! He hurt me and all he cares about is himself because he's hurting now!" That's the WAS's mentality.
Agreeing with a divorce if the WAS wishes to initiate the proceedings removes the adversarial nature of fighting against it and helps align the WAS with the LBS.
Again, this does not mean that the LBS needs to agree with the decision. The LBS is agreeing that the viewpoint of the WAS is valid. The LBS is not under obligation to run out and initiate the proceedings. Having the WAS do everything that's needed to get a divorce allows for the WAS to determine if that's what they really want to do, not just say they want to do. And if it does happen, as in my case, it's not the end.
