Can it really be May already? I guess we must be having fun
Lately, it has occured to me that by focusing my first goal around NG, I wasn't really being fair to him, or to me. He may be having a bad day, or week, or month, and to have my joy impacted by that is just barmy. So four months into the year, here is an update on my goals.
Enjoy today, everyday - The more I live this, the more I believe it to be critical. By shedding shackles of the past, and not speculating on the future, I find myself able to be in the moment with more awareness. Whether or not NG is in the picture, I believe this should be my mantra.
Get specific on health improvements Yes, I do get cranky when I'm unwell. And lately, I've not paid my health as much attention as I need to. By the end of June, I want to be back at 55 kgs, and have made sufficient lifestyle alterations to sustain my weight at this level. Its warm enough to cycle now, and I need to get out a couple of times each week, this means finding cycling buddies, which should be fun.
Communicate better with NG I started re-reading MV yesterday, and can I say just how much of an overdue exercise this is? I can see how I've gotten sloppy again with listening, expressing and just being. I may need to go back to the ole listing of positives.
My home is slowly but surely becoming a more comfortable place, physically as well as metaphorically. I hope to welcome you too!
The long weekend is almost over, but a 4 day week is not too bad, I suppose.
Yesterday we hung out with one of NG's distant cousin. I was surprised, as this is the time we usually spend with NG's 95 year old grandma. All NG said was that when had called, his grandma was not too chatty, but this cousin was keen to see us, which made his choice easier. It dawned on me that he really does not feel comfortable taking the lead in a relationship, hence his comment a few months ago that ow pursued him - I guess she made it easy by making him feel wanted, sought after. Message to self - don't wait for NG to take the initiative all the time- share the load
Hi Michele - Good idea. I'll have to fold this into my approach. To be honest, I've been a little nervous about taking any lead, as it could have come across as pursuing. But, in our case, pursuit could well be a 180 as I am guilty of only responding in the past Certainly something can change here.
NG seems to be most content when his circle is just so, I suppose his LLs are:
Quality time - it seems important for him to feel that I'm in the same 'space' as him - not just physically, but mentally (enjoying the same program on tv for example) and emotionally (tired, relaxed, engaged etc). This is actually very hard for me, as I'm a restless soul who needs to be doing things all the time, so I've had to learn a lot, and it has helped me as I have carved out time to reflect.
Words of affirmation - he tries to hide this LL, and is certainly not good at dishing it out, but I have noticed a lightness in his step when he has been able to bask in WOAs. Especially when it is R related. So me thinks this is how I'll tackle the suggestions.
Its a beautiful sunny spring day here and we are both working from home. We both seem to be most at peace when this happens.
NG and I certainly have a lot of unfinished business, stuff we have just glossed over that will no doubt come back to haunt us at a later date. I don't think we are in any hurry, but every now and then, I just feel things are not 'so'.
The press here seems to be so full of affairs - from the recent royal wedding, the celebrity sagas and agony columns. I noticed yesterday that NG turns the page very quickly when there is something in the papers - he is definitely still very uncomfortable about the whole thing.
Somedays it is very, very hard to act as if, when what I'd really like to do is have a meaningful discussion with him, about how he is coping, about why the spontaneity has seeped out of our relationship. But, none of this will get us closer, so we let sleeping dogs lie, for now. I just hope he is ready soon.
Quote: Somedays it is very, very hard to act as if, when what I'd really like to do is have a meaningful discussion with him, about how he is coping, about why the spontaneity has seeped out of our relationship. But, none of this will get us closer, so we let sleeping dogs lie, for now. I just hope he is ready soon.
Patience, patience, patience. Oh yeah, and did I mention patience,Slowly?
If you need some spontaneity, create some for yourself. Maybe NG is not comfortable with it right now. It sounds to me like he's seeking a lot of security and spontaneity can wreck havoc on security.
Quote: Somedays it is very, very hard to act as if, when what I'd really like to do is have a meaningful discussion with him, about how he is coping, about why the spontaneity has seeped out of our relationship. But, none of this will get us closer, so we let sleeping dogs lie, for now. I just hope he is ready soon.
Hi Slowly! I do know how your'e feeling (being a world class talker myself! ), but I gotta remind you that many, many of us around these parts feel we need a "meaningful conversation" to get answers to our questions. And those very same many of us have come to learn that it very often doesn't happen; that it often is the very thing that makes our S's cringe & withdraw - BUT that does not mean we don't get answers or information in other ways....
"About how he's coping" - I think you can SEE that with his sweeping past the touchy bits of news . . . There's probably some more time & processing needed. But he seems to do this best on his own, and when he's ready (if I recall correctly) he does open up to you & reveal little bits.
"About why the spontaneity has seeped out" - Um, ain't that kinda an action thing? Talking about spontaneity is a bit like planning a rash decision, no?
Go girl, add some spice and without expectations of NG jumping in to add his own mix of spice. He just may surprise you when you're not looking - and if not, I'm guessing you're more than able to add the kind of spice that will please both of you!
Slowly, honeybun! I am going to coach you now. If you want spontaneity in your R, be spontaneous! If you want to know how he's coping, ask him!
You can be spontaneous a zillion ways -- tell him you love him, breakfast in bed, have some unusual meal, DO A 180!
On "how he's coping" -- you could ask him. And you could also ask yourself if you already know the answer. Have you read the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell? He says we are all experts in day-to-day living. You are the expert on your M. How do you think he's coping? Is that knowledge enough for you? Or is what you really want something different? Like a big "clear the air heart to heart". Or, in Betsey's terms, an "exit interview." Perhaps, in your case, "a re-entry interview."
Figure out what you want and why you want it and I'll bet you'll be able to answer a lot of your own questions.
Now, I have been to the gym and stink to high heaven -- and have a client in 30 minutes. Can I pull off a shower and the requisite primping in time? You bet!
Martha - Yes, slowly prevails I need this reminder every now and then. Thank you also for highlighting that he is looking for security, and is probably charting the safest possible course. I must be sensitive to this. Over lunch just now, we got chatting about our mortgage, and I was making some suggestions. For every one, he would ask me why I put that forward. In fact, anything I say out of the ordinary, he will ask why, as if looking for a hidden meaning. Makes conversation very difficult sometimes.
But, we are heading in the right direction, and yes, I need to be better friends with her, Patience.
Slowly- thanks for the tips on QT with your NG, I have the same problem, of nervous energy and the inability to match his energy. I think it is incredible that you 2 can work from home together and talk and discuss and be patient with each other. That is a start.
I want to ask… you think something is missing, and it just isn’t “so” in your R, but….. is it possible that you have some disquiet in YOU that you need to address, an anxiety over something that may be totally unrelated to him, but it is a bit easier to pin on the R than deal with what is inside you? That is a total stab in the dark, but I do that sometimes, and wanted to see if you are too.
Slowly
Certainly something can change here.
Slowly
