Well, I got over the need to be perfect, and have put some thoughts down about what works and what I believe does not. This is based on observations of the past 6 months, to be honest NG was in such alien mode before that I'm not sure I can reliably take stock from that period.
What works
+ being me, a fun person to to be with - we have shared life priorities, enjoy a similar sense of humour, living style, I'm generally an agreeable companion, despite having a strong personality, which I know he enjoys
+ smart - due to his self-perception based on experience early in life, having a partner who can boost his own esteem is important. He enjoys being with someone smart, as long as it is within his defined frame. I guess this is a common enough negotiated stance - I want my friends to be interesting, but not intimidating
+ presentable - NG is interesting, shys away from the knock-out gorgeous, appreciates the neat, presentable look, low maintenance, low key.
+ independent - NG can be quite a paradox; he likes to be wanted, but not to be needed. I clearly need to navigate through getting a life in the contect of our shared life. THis can be tricky
what does not work
- Demonstration of being hurt - no space here for any displays of negative emotions, again, i think due to early life conditioning. My issues used to be hugging my hurts visibly, when I shrug them off and look more positive, he visibly relaxes
- Solving problems - it used to be that he would not have the time or energy to take care of paperwork etc. So over time, I've assumed greater responsibility. I have been noticing lately that he is happier when I involve him in the process and 'trust' him to take care of business.
- Mystery - He has really adverse reaction to this. So I'm still trying to figure out how to maintain some degree of freshness in the relationship. He likes me to make plans without waiting on him (I guess no pressure) but then, wants the ability to veto if it does not gel with anything he does finalise. Huh?
I'm sure there will be some more that come to mind, now that I've started the ball rolling. And yes, Michele, this writing stuff is hard, but it does work I do feel more grounded, which I've needed.
I do feel more grounded, which I've needed. 
