I have started a journal, and it does help me put things into perspective. I highly recommend it.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hi Slowly- "The only other thing I can think of is this -- there's your business, his business and God's business. I have found such peace giving myself permission to not get involved in anyone's business but my own. That means I have stopped spending much time speculating what others think or feel. How can I really know unless they tell me? Believe it or not, it's freed up a ton of time for me! "
This is great advice. I find that the anxiety of situations that I have no control over can really suck a lot of energy, get my little hamster wheel going in my brain, and then I am controlling (attempting to anyway!), and then a moment later I am crazy!
What can you give up on and turn over to the universe/God/HP/Great Spririt to deal with so that you can deal with things you really do have an impact on (your behavior and attitude)?
Well, I got over the need to be perfect, and have put some thoughts down about what works and what I believe does not. This is based on observations of the past 6 months, to be honest NG was in such alien mode before that I'm not sure I can reliably take stock from that period.
What works
+ being me, a fun person to to be with - we have shared life priorities, enjoy a similar sense of humour, living style, I'm generally an agreeable companion, despite having a strong personality, which I know he enjoys
+ smart - due to his self-perception based on experience early in life, having a partner who can boost his own esteem is important. He enjoys being with someone smart, as long as it is within his defined frame. I guess this is a common enough negotiated stance - I want my friends to be interesting, but not intimidating
+ presentable - NG is interesting, shys away from the knock-out gorgeous, appreciates the neat, presentable look, low maintenance, low key.
+ independent - NG can be quite a paradox; he likes to be wanted, but not to be needed. I clearly need to navigate through getting a life in the contect of our shared life. THis can be tricky
what does not work
- Demonstration of being hurt - no space here for any displays of negative emotions, again, i think due to early life conditioning. My issues used to be hugging my hurts visibly, when I shrug them off and look more positive, he visibly relaxes
- Solving problems - it used to be that he would not have the time or energy to take care of paperwork etc. So over time, I've assumed greater responsibility. I have been noticing lately that he is happier when I involve him in the process and 'trust' him to take care of business.
- Mystery - He has really adverse reaction to this. So I'm still trying to figure out how to maintain some degree of freshness in the relationship. He likes me to make plans without waiting on him (I guess no pressure) but then, wants the ability to veto if it does not gel with anything he does finalise. Huh?
I'm sure there will be some more that come to mind, now that I've started the ball rolling. And yes, Michele, this writing stuff is hard, but it does work I do feel more grounded, which I've needed.
Quote: Well, I got over the need to be perfect, and have put some thoughts down about what works and what I believe does not.
It's funny that I have recently done this myself, along with a lot of other lists such as things I did or patterns that contributed to our situation, issues involved, solutions & progress. I haven't posted those lists yet. But I think it's no coincidence that we have both returned to listing these things now. After a while of being here I lose my way; lose that beginner's mind; lose the freshness of looking for patterns & solutions. And this type of exercise also helps me feel more grounded - like a broad map of where I am and what I am working on. I also think it helps not to slip back into old patterns that I already know don't work and keeps me more focused on what I can control: ME!
Slowly, great list! It looks like you really have a handle on what works and what doesn't. So how do you take "independent" -- which is a definition-type term -- and make it practical? Would that be having your own schedule? How about "smart"? Would that mean going to hear lectures with NG, or taking in a foreign film?
See where I'm going? What are the practical things you can do to keep the "what's working" working?
Dear H2H - You got it so right, I think after a while, we lose the edge that made us be good solution detectives in the begining. In my case, because NG is home, and apparently more present than ever before, it seems easy enough to assume everything is OK. But in reality, we have brushed too many issues under the carpet, and they may very well emerge with a vengeance at some point
Hey Michele - I like your questions, they make me stop and think a bit more Too often, I'm happy with the conclusion before I've thought through the implementation details.
Independent - for us, this means making plans without waiting for him to define the framework. I found that he actually likes his options narrowed a bit. Turns out ow was the scene setter in their relationship too - she gave him new options of places to go, things to do, and by defining her plans, invited him to tag along. I used to do this, and then over time, got comfortable just chilling out at home. Since dbing, I've gotten back into the circuit with my friends, and sure enough NG always tags along. I just need to do more of the same, have my plans, which apparently make me more attractive to him
Quote: How about "smart"? Would that mean going to hear lectures with NG, or taking in a foreign film?
This is an easy one Just good ole fashioned common sense, and quick wittedness. Oh gosh, a foreign film will be tough for me, never mind NG. We are not really high brow, just street smart type folks, usually. Well read for sure, but more science than arts. I think NG is entirely comfortable his wife is smart - he just forgot to appreciate this for a few months when he chose to spend time with ow who he describes as having the mental agility of treacle
One more thing that does NOT work with NG, asking him to process more than one concept at the same time. No he is not slow, just reluctant to be stressed. Anytime I try to get through a list of chores, I meet resistance. If I stick to one thing that is important, he is more than willing to be extremely helpful. Something to remember, this slowly stuff.
Quote: One more thing that does NOT work with NG, asking him to process more than one concept at the same time. No he is not slow, just reluctant to be stressed. Anytime I try to get through a list of chores, I meet resistance. If I stick to one thing that is important, he is more than willing to be extremely helpful.
This is pretty Martian-esque, too. Project-minded, that lot is! Just one thing at a time.
YES! Like S., who thinks when I say "We need to get our airline tickets for your sister's wedding at the end of May and while we're at it, figure out a good time to go down to the mountains to see my parents at the end of July," that "we're "traveling all the time!"
This is an astute observation on your part: one thing at a time.
Brava, Miss Smartypants, for picking out the positives and sticking with what works.
Hi Martha - You've just reminded me that I need to dig up my MV book and revise
Its the begining of a long weekend here, we have Monday off, though no one is really sure why. I'm planning to tackle the attic, I have some work related stuff going back 12 years - stuff I wrote, client feedback, about 30 books where I've taken copious notes - well time to let go. To be honest, I've not looked at them in over 5 years, so no point building a dust heap. NG is a little surprised that I'd be willing to get rid of things, I just retorted that I'm moving on, and let him make of it what he will.
Plan to go shopping this afternoon, Sunday lunch with a dear friend tomorrow, and hanging out on Monday with a couple of ex-colleagues who are back from their 2 year assignment in DC. Should all be fun, and NG seems interested in tagging along.
I do feel more grounded, which I've needed. 
