The first thing that popped into my mind is that your H is an introvert. Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs Personality Type scale?
I am in introvert too, so that's why his behavior kind of resonated with me. It's not so much that I am "shy" although I can be. Essentially the difference between introverts and extroverts is how they re-charge their batteries. Introverts recharge by spending time alone -- reading, watching tv or a movie, relaxing, quiet things. Extroverts, otoh, recharge by going out and being with other people -- parties, shopping, trips, etc. I can do those things and I do enjoy them, but I find them draining.
So, if your H is an introvert, I can see where he would enjoy having his mother there to visit, yet it would be draining for him too. I'm not sure about the computer thing, unless he truly just doesn't feel like messing with it. I imagine it would mean reformating the hard drives before you give them to charity, and that would be a pain in the arse. Maybe he sees that as impinging on his recharging time on the weekends/evenings?
If he is indeed an introvert, he probably prefers to spend time with himself or just a few close friends. It's not that we introverts don't like to cultivate long term relationships; we'd rather have just a few very close friends than tons of aquaintences.
Yeah, he can be a little introvert, but also he can be that kind of person who prefers not to makes decission and wait for another to take the first step... that bc his acctitude towards his mother... so... maybe its time just to let him make some steps and decissions... and to let him feel secure and happy bc doing that...!... by little things you can do that... for example... not talking again about his mother and letting him think about the possibility of taking that break with her...!!... Ill stay around Andrea
Hi Slowly- Thanks for visiting my thread! I will keep chugging along.
FYI- I am somewhat of an introvert. When I am with people, it can drain me of energy, I liek people, and I like being with friends and meeitng new peoiple, but I just have to beware of my energy levels and not get too far out there, and when I get lazy o overwhlemd, I don't make any plans at all.
Quote: I've decided to leave NG and his social circle behind, its a cheeseless tunnel at best, and frankly, he is fun to be with as he is, so why ponder on other possibilities?
Excellent. I agree completely.
Quote: I'm finding when I don't interfere, things do happen, and my life is all the more relaxed for it.
Even more excellent! This is one of several times recently he's really stepped in when you've let him. Great job!
Looking forward to hearing about your holiday... when is it?
Its a wet Saturday afternoon and we are happy to be at home, just pottering around. At least we were until about an hour ago, when NG sat down to an intensive session on his laptop. I'm in serious danger of wigging out - is he on email to ow So here I am for some theraphy
Martha - Thanks so much for the feedback - I rather suspected his acute introvertedness to be at the root of this, but its good to have some agreement. I'm only just begining to understand just how emotionally drained he seems to be after any social contact, even a few hours at work. And, just how difficult he finds it to process more than one issue at a time - more so than the normal male, shall we say The thing with the computer is nothing more than that, because I've cleaned up the drives. He just did not want to deal with potential hitches, so this is something I'll deal with when he is out of town. Remember the new wardrobe and bedroom revamp I did when he was out of town? He still recalls what a relief it was not to have been around when it was done.
Andrea - you have caught one of his tendencies - the procrastination over decisions, but then silently seething when the decision is not exactly as he wanted. For example, this morning we had to sort out some things at the bank, and in my new persona, I just agreed with all his suggestions. At one point, he snapped out a 'don't you have any opinion' out at me - after which I offered a couple of suggestions which he immediately shot down. So back we went to doing things his way. Incidentally, one of the things we had to sort out was an emergency topping up from our savings to his current account - something I used to do, and now he knows I will no longer be responsible for, and is fully aware he messed up, so I understand there was much frustration at himself too. He procrastinated over the transfer a month ago, expecting me to relent and carry the chore, and when I did not, he got into trouble. When I help, he is annoyed, when I don't he let's things go bad. I'm detaching.
Quote: when NG sat down to an intensive session on his laptop. I'm in serious danger of wigging out - is he on email to ow So here I am for some therapy
Hi Slowly, Heard your call for some therapy... What do you mean he's on email to ow?????? This is new, isn't it? Until I know more of the details, I can tell you that I've been reading some of Sage's early threads lately (the first couple in Piecing) and they have been VERY helpful to me in identifying when my thoughts take a turn towards my fear center and distort themselves into 'real' monsters - and of course, how it affects how I feel and interact with others.
Quote: something I used to do, and now he knows I will no longer be responsible for, and is fully aware he messed up, so I understand there was much frustration at himself too. He procrastinated over the transfer a month ago, expecting me to relent and carry the chore, and when I did not, he got into trouble. When I help, he is annoyed, when I don't he let's things go bad. I'm detaching.
Well this dynamic sure sounds familiar to me! And I'll give you a big gold star for not jumping in to the rescue. I recently had a similiar situation with SO where he expected me to make excuses for him to someone else. I'm pretty sure he felt bad about screwing up and wanted me to get mad about it or come up w/ 101 reasons why he should come to the event. Then he could vent his frustration at me, my reaction & my judgmental/criticizing attitude. But I simply didn't - I validated that he must indeed be very tired and said I had to go. (BTW, he did end up going!)
I think this is one of those situations that will get worse before it gets better. It reminds me of myself in a way - when I used to lay my problems at his feet to "fix" - and when he left and I could no longer point my finger elsewhere for blame or for fixing, then I had only myself to deal with. And well, now I see clearly what's mine to 'fix' and take on the responsibility willing. I suspect NG will come to this point eventually as long as you continue to gracefully decline to remain the fixer.
Hi Slowly, Sometimes we do better at the DBing than it feels at the time.
Quote: When I help, he is annoyed, when I don't he let's things go bad. I'm detaching.
You are setting boundries and H knows this is now one you will not cross--he may test this once more just in case the boundry wasn't firm... Detaching sounds easy on paper, I find it most painful. Partly because I can do it, although it would be easier just to fix things and be done with it--then things snowball...such a cycle. If he's emailing OW, you can't change that. Look for the positive things he is doing and let him know what you appreciate. Did you know most of what we worry about never happens? Reading your thread has helped me thru some rough waters...
Hi H2H and midwest - Thank you for the excellent feedback. I shold correct myself, I don't know that he is emailing ow, it just was reminiscent of the time when he was on email to her all the time I now recognise this as more my problem than his.
Goodness, he is present with me almost all the time, even working form home more often than at work. I can just see how the 'need to control' is rearing its ugly head - ugh. I just need to work harder at this.
Its a wet Monday morning, we are both at home all day. Our holiday may have to be postponed as both of us have inherited quite a lot of work to finish off from departing collaegues, or as a result of re-alignment in the company. I'm not too upset about the postponed holiday, we are finding ways to chill out as we go along.
I'm hoping to spend more time here this week, just been feeling a little undirected lately, and need to find my dbing centre again.
Its the crack of dawn and I just could not sleep anymore, a lousy dream/thread of thoughts that had me getting sad, so here I am
Yesterday just rushed by, as did my intention to find my dbing feet again. Hopefully today will be better. I think my problem now is that we seem to be slipping back into our pre-a ways, and I'm just so afraid of the whole cycle starting up again.
So my assignment for this week is to figure out what about our old ways is to both our liking, and working at making that bit better. What was not to our liking, and improving on it.
Slowly, I don't know whether you're a writing gal or not, but sometimes it helps to get ideas and thoughts out of your head and onto paper.
You could make a column entitled "What's Always Worked", another titled "What Never Works" and one called "What's Working Now"... maybe one "What's Not Working Now".
Then write away!
It could help you frame up how to get back into DBing, by giving you a real list. I'm a list girl, so I know this tactic works for me.
The only other thing I can think of is this -- there's your business, his business and God's business. I have found such peace giving myself permission to not get involved in anyone's business but my own. That means I have stopped spending much time speculating what others think or feel. How can I really know unless they tell me? Believe it or not, it's freed up a ton of time for me!
I hope today finds you in a better spot, ready to pick up the DBing challenge again. The dirty little secret we all know is that DBing is really about helping ourselves -- so maybe you can think of it as a treat for Slowly!
Jennifer 
So here I am for some theraphy 
The thing with the computer is nothing more than that, because I've cleaned up the drives. He just did not want to deal with potential hitches, so this is something I'll deal with when he is out of town. Remember the new wardrobe and bedroom revamp I did when he was out of town? He still recalls what a relief it was not to have been around when it was done. 
And I'll give you a big gold star for not jumping in to the rescue. I recently had a similiar situation with SO where he expected me to make excuses for him to someone else. I'm pretty sure he felt bad about screwing up and wanted me to get mad about it or come up w/ 101 reasons why he should come to the event. Then he could vent his frustration at me, my reaction & my judgmental/criticizing attitude. But I simply didn't - I validated that he must indeed be very tired and said I had to go. (BTW, he did end up going!)
I now recognise this as more my problem than his. 