My H too really has no friends. He has some school friends that he sees very rarely, but the people we (used to ) hang out with were my friends, my girlfriends and their husbands. I think he resents my relationship with them, especially now when he's not included since he moved out. I think he worries that we talk about him all the time. In reality, we talk about him very rarely.
Mel
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Slowly, I hadn't found this link. It is a missing link for me. Thank you for marking it. I think it will help with positive changes. Your steady positive thread is encouraging--even thru struggles. Tnanks (I messed up my password and I'd changed to gone so, now I'm back as midwest.)
Hi Mel - The more I think about the lack of long term friends, the more concerning it is. I really need my friends to sound off with, I wonder what NG does? Is he just bottling in all his stuff?
How does your H cope with simple daily frustrations?
Just sort of jumping in I think D bottled everything up.
He had one long term friend out of town that he never called the friend used to call him about once a month or so.
Then there was the tramp and he called her a friend, but I don't think he sounded off to her about things till they started the affair back up.
He talked to his dad once in a while but not the rest of his family.
I feel that everything was just bottled up inside of him. Every once in a while you would see anger just errupt over something small at the computer and I think some of that was all the build up.
It would be I think in a person that does that's best interest to work on some way of getting the frustrations out.
Hope you are having a wonderful day.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I think it could be a sign of danger or the harmless fact that you are married to a hermit. So let's discount the latter and deal with the former.
Some men distance themselves from their friends when things aren't going right in their R, because they don't feel safe, or comfortable, or whatever, talking about their R when it's not good. Some men distance themselves because they have a controlling or jealous W who complains every time they go out, and so it's just not worth it. There are many other scenarios, but I think it's healthy for him to have friends outside the R, and you should encourage it (lightly, of course), as well as integration of his friends into your (plural) life. Over time he could grow to resent his isolation (or, he could be quite happy with it...).
Does he feel like you quashed his ability to enjoy himself outside the home? Or the interactions with you and his friends were awkward because you weren't the "same kind of people"? Or he was too busy with home duties and eventually gave up on socializing with friends?
Just a few thoughts... certainly not saying this is what's going on, but it's worth a mini-investigation.
Slowly, i totally agree with J possible scenarios, but... when this ant-social actitude began? or he use to be like that even before the bad crisis...?... what kind of friends he use to cultivate or treat?... Andrea
Hi Jennifer and Andrea - I've been mulling over this one all weekend, and am not sure I'm closer to the answer. For as long as I can remember, he has not had long term friends, even before I was a feature in his life. However, to describe him as a hermit would not be exactly accurate either, because in small doses he does like company. The closest I can get to is that he does not like the effort it takes to sustain relationships. Let me give you a couple of examples.
We are off on a two week holiday at the end of the month and lately his mum has been feeling a little melancholic. He has not seen her since last January, though he speaks with her every weekend. I casually suggested it may be nice for her to have a break with us, to which he just said that he had thought of it, but figured it would be too much of a hassle to put up with her. Hmmm.
Just this morning, it occured to me that the 2 ancient computers could be donated to the local orphanage - an acquaintance of ours has been putting the word out that they are looking for such equipment. When chatting, NG said it was a good idea, but perhaps we can do it after we are back because it would be too stressful to negotiate before we go away - now to me, it is just one phone call, and we have over 2 weeks before going away. How can this possibly be deemed as stressful?
He is most happy sitting on his couch watching the telly. Seems to be able to do so for hours at the weekend. He is very organised at work, able to say no to additional things that may cause him to be stretched.
I've decided to leave NG and his social circle behind, its a cheeseless tunnel at best, and frankly, he is fun to be with as he is, so why ponder on other possibilities
He has risen beautifully to the task of organising our holiday flights, car rental and accommodation. I'm finding when I don't interfere, things do happen, and my life is all the more relaxed for it. I'm really looking forward to being pampered on this holiday.
The lack of endearments still irk a little, but I guess I'll just have to learn to live with that. Otherwise, nothing much to report, and that's how I like it
Slowly
