Welcoming Myself Home

[Hopeful_Scared]

Hi everyone,

Slowly, Sage just wanted to add my 2 cents- Sage on one of your thread you talked about listening more and trying to listen for 4mins without jumping in.

That helped me realise that I rush in without really listening to H. I have worked to stop doing that. Now he is much more open and even turns off the TV to have a conversation ! Also I used to think that acting outraged on H's behalf when he tells me stuff that his family or other people have done to upset him, was the way to go.

Now I just listen and try to (silently) validate H. It works much better and he really opens up more.

Also, I used to really question H if he said hi to someone I didn't know or ask about something I was suspicious about. Now I just try to relax and H spits it out without my asking and looking nosy.

[slowly]

Hi Jennifer, Sage, Mollie and Hopeful_Scared - Thanks for stopping by

Could he possibly have been thinking that some muscular loverboy was over there helping you move the heavy stuff while he was away? I wonder if that thought flitted across his mind.

Jennifer - this may be the case, in fact, I am going to work on seeding this thought a bit more as I do think one of 'our' problem is that NG feels too safe with me. Time for me to spread my wings a little and make him at least wonder.

Sage - you should know that much of the confidence to sit back and listen came from reading your threads - it really does work, though I seem to need constant revision to keep me focused on listening.

Mollie - trust me, it was the same with me, CRAZYMAKING Practice does make things easier. Having something else to do is a big help too!

Hopeful_Scared - glad your H is opening up - way to go

Neither of us is travelling this week - yay Though it does promise to be a busy week, with lots of client meetings for both of us. It was a lovely relaxing weekend, we did quite a bit of sorting out - a new wardrobe is always good motivation for a spot of spring cleaning

Goals for this week:
+ enjoy time with colleagues from out of town, and get on top of backlog at work
+ build in some mystery around Slowly
+ get manicure and pedicure

Slowly

[slowly]

Hi Pen - Its taken me almost a week to process your feedback I find thse days taking my time over things is the way to go, my new comfort zone.

Speaking for myself, I’ve decided to analyse why I chose to participate in an affair isn’t really that productive. Will understanding why I entered one affair prevent me from entering the next? I doubt it – because the reasoning could easily change. I could enter affair one because I wasn’t paying attention to a friendship and let it get out of hand, and enter affair two because I’m feeling neglected in my marriage. What works proactively against future affairs for me is realizing the effects of affairs, and the pain they cause. I don’t want to cause, or feel, such pain again.

This is very likely NG's thinking, though he keeps telling me he will explain one day, just that he is not ready yet. I guess when I peel off the 'why' layer, I'm really trying to understand what sort of guy my husband is, that knowing the hurt it could cause, he still went ahead. He had to comfort his sister and pull her back from an attempted suicide some 15 years ago when she found out her H had been having an affair. He cannot claim to be ignorant of the pain this kind of betrayal causes. To this day, she will reference the affair as a source of her unhappiness But that's a different story altogether.

I suppose I'm at the phase of piecing where I'm looking at NG more carefully - do I really know this person? Am I liking what I see? He certainly does not seem to have grown from this experience - so many things are still all about him. As well, Monday musings, I suppose.

Slowly

[slowly]

Happy Tuesday

Had a great day Monday, getting caught up on numerous little things that had been hanging around for a while. What a boost to the ole PMA If I can sustain this rate of productivity, I'll be ahead of the game by the end of the week, wahoo !

A slight surprise to the day, had a call from ow's sister, wanting to clarify some things. Nothing major, just some doubts in her mind about her own sister's version of things, and she is more comfortable with me, go figure. NG happened to overhear part of the conversation, I was ok with taking the call in his presence. This then led to some discussion, he wanted to know how often ow's sister was in touch (first time in 4 months) and went on voluntarily to tell me that the last email exchange he and ow had (4 months ago) was bitter, and that in his view she 'totally lacked integrity' and the whole experience has left a bitter taste in his mouth. He was not surprised her sister did not trust her, as he now believes ow to be highly manipulative. Happily I was in a good place with my excellent day at work, and was able to just listen without any strong urge to verbalise any opinion.

Wonder what today will bring. Slowly

[slowly]

Just regular life rolling on over here. I saw this over at Betsey's new thread, and wanted to explore it a bit more - H2H, can I say just how apt your observations sometimes are?

I was re-reading The Dance of Connection this week, and the following sentences struck me as particularly relevant for me, you, GBO and well, many others of us here, all in slightly different ways:

"We can never know the totality or full potential of other people (or what they "should be" for that matter), but who they are with us has something to do with who we are with them. Through our conversations, we unwittingly enlarge or diminish the potentials and possibilities of everyone around us.

I'm finding that this coupled with the adage Bets has been advocating often to me, that one person can change the dynamic, is having some subtle yet profound changes in the way NG and I relate to each other. He is genuinely stepping up to the plate and taking leadership for 'us' things - for the first time in a long, long time, he is organising the details of our next holiday Its a task that I used to do for fear that if left to him, it'll all be at the last minute and we'll be paying well over the odds. Now that I've let go that fear, and I guess he can see from my actions that I've let go, he is stepping in. Good stuff

Today, I shall be working from home. Off to the salon at lunch time. Out to dinner with some out-of-town colleagues, NG is coming along. Should be fun, no expectations on my side, just going with the flow.

Slowly

[Heart2Heart]

Gosh, thanks Slowly! I remember that as I purchased each new book that it felt like somehow magically the right book appeared in my hands at the right time. Now in retrospect I am beginning to see that almost ANY book was the right book because I lacked knowledge and many, many tools . . . but, as I go back to some of the ones I read early on in my BB life, I find other passages jump out at me and show me a new, more refined concept that I 'missed' on the first devour. I should "know" this because I'm in sales, and I have seen it 100's of times that I can tell customers about things & they seem to have no interest, and suddenly one day when they have a need, they ask me "do you offer this?" And it is precisely what I have been telling them over & over again. Lesson: you just don't "hear" what you need until you need it.

This particular passage struck me and as a person who congers up pictures in my head, I saw many of my friends here on the BB. I knew that a few of us needed to be reminded of this. It isn't really anything we already don't spend a lot time talking about here on the board, but it is well said. And the thought of "enlarging or diminishing" the potential or possibilities was, for me, inspiring.

I'm glad you found it helpful, Slowly. It is something I need to constantly remind myself of. But like you, I do have evidence that if I let go of things, particularly of my fears, I have enlarged the potential of SO and the possibilities.

Have fun tonight!
Hugs,
-H2H

[BeingMe]

Hi Slowly! Thanks for your input on my thread. It is so appreciated, especially since you give such good advice.

I sometimes wonder if one's M ever is stable. If I ever re-marry or this M is saved, I will never take it for granted again. The only constant in life, it seems, is change, and if one expects that, then perhaps we'll be happier.

So, no advice for you, but some musings of mine in this week of weirdness.

[gone]

Hi
I just read through your thread. Lots of answers to questions I have. It is good to know how others handled sitch and are doing better!
Thanks for stopping by my thread and helping me find yours ... to learn from. There is a lot here. It was encouraging and helpful. Worth reading again and again. Esp the why part of the A and letting it go.

[slowly]

Hi H2H - I'm constantly amazed at the similarities to be found among folks here

Now in retrospect I am beginning to see that almost ANY book was the right book because I lacked knowledge and many, many tools . . .

This is so in my case too - looking back, I'm utterly gobsmacked at how little I knew, or was aware of. What a ride this whole experience has been, and yes, Lesson: you just don't "hear" what you need until you need it.
In fact, I recall Sage had an entire thread dedicated to this theme - something like the teacher appearing when the student is ready.

Last night was fun, though for a moment, I let someone else's crisis become my problem - a colleague who failed to plan properly, so my team dinner got hijacked C'est la vie. We had a good time anyway, and managed not to borrow too much of his trouble!

Hard to believe its Thursday already - where did the week go? Slowly, or not, as the case may be...

[IAChild]

Slowly,

Last night was fun, though for a moment, I let someone else's crisis become my problem - a colleague who failed to plan properly, so my team dinner got hijacked C'est la vie. We had a good time anyway, and managed not to borrow too much of his trouble!

Way to turn a negative into a positive! You GO, girl!