A difficult topic and not an easy one to just let go of. I find Betsey's questions and Pen's observations very useful – could be extended to many other ‘issues’ in our journeys.

If I understand the assumption here, it is if you knew the "why." then you would somehow feel more secure in being able to recognize any early warning sign. Or better yet, ensure that none of the 'why criteria' ever surface again in this millennium – and that “the spouse” would be contributing to the security of the M by being able to tell you the “why” the a. happened – taking all active steps to avoid those whys again.

I liked Betsey’s questions – but I’d ask you one further:

- What would you be doing differently if you knew the why?

- And perhaps more importantly, what do you believe you would be feeling differently if you knew the why? (Particularly in regards to Betsey’s questions)

I think we seize on the “why” question as some sort of security blanket, as if getting that one elusive piece of the puzzle will help everything come together, and we can R-E-L-A-X, because we can get it all under control. We know the why’s, so we fortify our M by ensuring they no longer creep in.

But as Pen points out, the “why” in this particular case may have no bearing on any future situation. Ugh, I know – but it is worth letting this sink in. Seeking the ‘why’ may not be the insurance card you’re really looking for.

Go back to the “what would you be doing differently” question – and ask: what is really keeping you from doing this? Is it fear? Is it adherence to the thought that without the “why” I can’t complete the picture, and therefore can never quite feel secure? I also guess that part of it is wanting H. to do some of that processing, hoping he will do his share in the protection of the M. My guess is that he probably does, just not in the manner or ‘language’ you would use or understand. Just because he seems to avoid it with you, doesn’t mean he’s avoiding it within himself.

Oh none of this easy – I just find it useful to ask myself ‘why’ I am seeking a particular bit of elusive information, and what would I really do with it if I got it. Then I ask if I can’t just decide to behave as if I had the information I thought I so desperately needed anyways. Or if I can’t get it, what can I do to move ahead in a positive manner anyways – trying desperately not to cling to some assumption that makes me stuck somewhere. As you know, I’m a big fan of questions – and I find that the more I ask of myself, the more I uncover and find that there really is very little I need to know from outside myself.

And still I know the hardest words for me to embrace have been: let it go.

Big hugs,
-H2H