wdiftya, I see you are married to a worse version of my shopaholic wife. She does the laundry, takes care of the cat box, and cleans the house. My W used to watch infomercials most of the day and we had UPS deliverys daily. Lifetime, Oh Yes. The network that protrayed so many mean, cheating H's.
My W changed some when I said she could live by herself and watch all the "men are assholes" TV she wanted and she could lay on the sofa and have 2 phones to order things from infomercials. My W worked part time and earned $12K a year, inherited some money and spent $15K a year on her things. Even our D said "Mom's shopping is out of control." The change took several months and W still does retail therapy.
First, you have to "ACT LIKE HER FRIEND" then list what you need in the M, ask what she needs in the M, see where you can compromise, Avoid, avoid, avoid rehashing old hurts, and see what happens.
RE: WE I have the same problem. I tell W that A or B will get done, not both. I try to get her to see her "WE" is almost 99% me and say WE did not discuss this. If we did, I was not around when it happened. I also suggest things that "WE", meaning her and "I" might like to do.
Re: ineffectual quack Our first C was a womens issues specialist. I did not know this fact at the time. The C said my W's motives were normal and I was controlling. The C did help us a little in communicating.
RE: Books Get "Divorce Remedy" it's the up-dated version of DB. DR will tell you what not to do which seems to be more important in the beginning than knowing what to do.
Read DR, read the BB, post here, and be ready for many ups and downs. BE fair, be persistant, and be ready to do what ever it takes. Do not avoid painful conversations. Too many people avoid being real so the spouse will not blow up.
S/crap hits the fan and that is OK if it is getting you somewhere. Quit doing what does not work.
