I don't think your statement was too strong, in fact, depending on your intentions, it could be a lot stronger in word and action.
If you don't intend to divorce, then stop facilitating her.
"Wife, I have no intention of divorcing you. I am already fighting for our marriage. I would hope that you are willing to do the same."
Wife says: "No, I want a divorce, now."
You reply: "Wife, I have no intention of divorcing you. I am already fighting for our marriage. I realize that I have contributed to the current state of our marriage, as have you. I am willing to do whatever it takes to repair our marriage."
Wife says: "We need to prepare the children for our separation."
You reply: "Wife, I have no intention of divorcing you. I am fighting for our marriage."
You did good telling your wife that she is responsible to the children for her own actions. You make sure that you don't lie to them when they ask you honest questions. You can reply to them in an age appropriate manner, but they deserve the truth.
As for the relationship talks, unless the two of you are planning how to best repair your marriage, then stop with the relationship talk. Planning a divorce is not a relationship talk, that is contract talk and best handled by mediators or lawyers.
One other minor point, don't tell her she can leave anytime she wants. She already knows that, and the fact is, that would be difficult with children. She likely wants you to leave. Don't do it. Don't get loud with her or threaten her in any way. Don't abandon your kids, even with her insisting. Your children deserve a father and a mother.
Keep working on you. Don't play 'contest' with the kids, but make sure you spend time with them. Make sure they know in their own limited way, that Daddy's attention is genuine.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
