Update time. Havent posted in a while. So here is the latest

Took W out golfing on Saturday, invided her best friend and her hubby. It was a fun time, W seemed to be the usual distant and angry person towards me all day. It seems strange to me how some one can be happy and laughing one minute and angry and spiteful the next. The only words exchanged on drive up and back were after I took the ladies cart back. W says "did you get the scorecard?" my response was no sorry did you need it?
W: Well ya it would be nice to know what I shot!"
H: Runs back to cart and asks staff to help find the card, no luck
returned to disgruntled W.
Later I find out that her friend actually already had the card. No apology from W. Nothing stone silence. Oh well.
We agreed to go over to her friends house for supper, got the kids and went over. Continuation of total sepparation of W towards me. Oh well. Had an enjoyable evening dispite her distance and cold attitude. After we got home and put kids to bed, W fell asleep in D5's bed. Came down later and said she was going to bed. I was wide awake and feeling rather lonely so I went for a walk (I made a mistake here not telling W), ended up at a local pub for a few and got home about two hours later. Next day she tells me she was looking for me and was upset that I was gone. I know this was a stupid move and am still beating myself over it.

Sunday W initiates convo. Teh usual opening line is: So what are WE going to do? Lots of silence. W like to pick time to talk when kids are up, makes it difficult to have any kind of long convo. We talked about the disconnection that seems to be going on. I mentioned that I have not disconnected as much as she has and that sometimes I dont take things well. In a prior convo I had mentioned that it seemd like there was some kind of competition going on over the kids attention, she brought it up and agreed that it seemd that way to her as well. Convo ended by phone calls and kids and never got anywhere. W asked that we continue convo once kids got for a nap that afternoon.

Later that afternoon, W asks pointed question again What are WE going to do? I told her that from my upbringing and christian background that I didnt beleive D was an option, however is she felt she wanted to leave then there was nothing I could or would do to stop her. I did state that if she wanted to leave and "give up" on our R then I felt it only fair that she expalin to the kids that she wanted to leave. Nuclear explosion. She yelled that she thought I was saying that we should live in misery for the rest of our lives. I restated that I felt that if we were able to rise above the anger and hurt feelings and work TOGEATHER on finding out what it is the other wants / needs and knowing what we are doing to work towards that goal then I felt we could have a loving family and a loving R. Words fell upon deaf ears. Once the convo started getting heated I tried numerous times to stop the convo and try to pick it up later after cooler heads prevailed (mostly hers, I kept my cool thoughout). W went to a bookstore after convo and picked up two books, one kids book called when mommy and daddy forgot how to be friends, the other was about how to deal with kids in a divorce. I had asked her before she left to try and find a book called Adult children of divorce. She told me she couldnt find it but did find some others that she was sure I wouldnt like.

Later that eve W asked what I thought of the convo earlier (alot of animosity in her voice). I told her I didnt enjoy it but I felt she needed to know where I stood. I then told her I wasnt comfortable with the convo but would discuss what she wanted to talk about (how she sees life after divorce). It seemed that even though she tells me that she tought alot about all the possible outcomes, when asked a direct question on items like how she saw dividing up parenting, she had no idea. I dont really understand what she is trying to have me figure out on my own. On one hand its like she wants me to agree to D and to justify and absolve her of all her guilt in deciding to give up on our R and family. I dont know, but does this make any sense to anyone out there?

I felt I needed to make it clear to her (I think I said it at least 3 times) that I am and always will be commited to her, our kids and our family, however if she decided that she wants to leave there is nothing I can or will do to stop her, but she will have to explain to all (kids and family) that it was her decision to leave, not mine.

Is this too strong? I think for my own peace of mind I needed to make it clear to her that I am continuing to work on things as best I can with or without her.

I hate this silly little game she is playing, I almost wish I could ask her to grow up and face the commitments and responsibilities that are on both of our plates.

Sorry to vent here, seems like the more things go the worse things get. All I can do it seems is to continue to be calm and confident, loving as best I can to the kids and W and pray for things to get better.